So I have decided to start therapy to address emotions and feelings I am having that I can’t really pinpoint. Some related to my marriage and I am sure some related to life in other ways. On the surface outsiders would probably think my marriage (12 yrs) is fine. However, there are things that I don’t care for. If I bring up any of my feelings or try to talk about issues, even when she starts the conversation, I almost immediately have it turned around on me, or she gets really defensive. Other times she may just storm off and not want to talk until it is on her terms. Then when she comes out she is upset that I am still in a bad mood. I feel this way because I don’t feel like there was any resolution. I am the more emotional one in the relationship that is willing to open up and be vulnerable whereas she isn’t. This is probably why when I open up l, she gets an attitude or defensive. I know this was a lot about my marriage, that is probably most my stress is the behind the scenes stuff. I want to improve the marriage but it doesn’t seem like she wants to or she thinks it is fine. Yet I am at an impasse, because if I try to open up to improve things it’s met with resistance. I have had thoughts on my mind of different outcomes also. Just trying to weigh it all. I know she will get defensive when I tell her I am going to start going to therapy. I was going to keep it light and about me needing to work through my own things. Right now they are my things and maybe later she needs to come in. Right now I just need to see where I stand, because I don’t want to be walked over or on about this. I feel like if she makes a big deal about this, that maybe that is the straw that broke the camels back? What advice, in general would you be able to give about anything?
TLDR: I’m afraid if I talk to my wife about me starting therapy she is going to get upset and defensive since she is that way when I bring up sensitive topics at home. How do I approach the best? If she is upset about it, should this be the straw that broke the camel’s back?
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You don’t need to justify or explain going to therapy. You can be as vague as you’d like about your reasons (“I have some personal struggles that I want professional help with.”). If she pries, you can tell her you don’t feel comfortable opening up with her about your feelings.
Aside from specifics… it sucks that you’re in a marriage where you don’t feel like you can talk openly with your spouse without fear of getting trampled on.
If you focus on doing it for yourself and coping with life better, that shouldn’t cause any issues. So, keep it at that when you tell her. Don’t bring up relationship issues when you tell her because that will feel threatening or accusatory.
If you keep it focused on yourself and she gets upset, just let her. If she yells or whatever, let her know you’ll discuss this when she’s calm because you’re not willing to fight over your choice to improve your mental health.
Have you researched attachment theory, bc I’m going through something very similar and attachment theory explains it perfectly? I’m an anxious attachment and he’s an avoidant. I’m starting therapy next month. And you just tell her. “I’m taking care of myself and going to therapy. Just thought you should know.”
Man that sucks having to walk on eggshells just to tell your wife something, the fact she gets mad at you indicates she is the one with the problem. How is the intimacy and sex life between you or is it a dead bedroom situation? In your case I would just tell her and expect to get yelled at. But in all honesty in your shoes I would walk away. She is emotionally abusing you and fucking up your mental health. On another note I would be asking her why she’s always getting so upset at you there is something off about her.
Right now, I would keep the motive to yourself.
I’d keep to something like:
>I am interested in it. I think it would be healthy for me. I am 37 years old. That’s a lot of history. Lots to unpack. I feel it would be healthy for me to talk to a professional and explore the inner workings of my mind. Self improvement. I want it.
I know in reality, its:
>My marriage is over my head, I have no idea how to handle my wife anymore. I need external support so I can have the tools on how to navigate some of the situations I am. I am doing this to save us, with or without my wife’s participation. Its out of love for my marriage.
But that doesn’t seem like something your wife will comprehend due to her current behaviour, would go above her head.
Keep it vague for now. Once you explain things with your therapist, they should provide you with a way to start peeling away these deeper layers with your wife, giving you the tools for navigation.
And if you ever do get to the point where your therapist is genuinely helping out… Please avoid saying stuff like “Well, my therapist said this, therefore I am right and you’re wrong” as if you have a one up on her. Don’t use that as an argument/communication point. Stick to your personal thoughts, just you and her, therapist excluded from the conversation.
honey, im starting therapy.
Just tell her. I’ll be home late Thursday bc I’m going to start therapy. Why would you tell her it’s bc of her? Keep it light
Everyone can benefit from therapy if it’s available for them to have it. I would like to have it myself.
Definitely will. I’ve been to therapy before, so this isn’t at least new from that standpoint. Just that I am being proactive with myself now, where I wasn’t before. I’m excited to talk to somebody with zero knowledge of my life.