How do I [42 M] learn to forgive my wife [39 F]…
We’ve been together 10 years, and married for 5. We have two wonderful children together, and she’s a fantastic mom. The problem is I don’t feel any romantic interest anymore, and it’s because of issues we had.
I noticed for a while she was going through some issues. It started even before the kids. I would plead with her to talk to me. Let me in, tell me what’s she’s thinking, but she’d swear everything is fine. Once our first came, it really started wearing me down, so I started therapy, and healing on my own. I suggested she do the same.
As time went on things would get worse. Her drinking would increase. She’d be less attentive, less caring, we haven’t had sex since our second was conceived because she would just shirk off my advances. Again I would try everything, date nights, gifts, I took care of the kids every morning and made sure to be home every night to help.
We’d have moments where I thought we were making progress. I’d thought her drinking had gone down, turned out she just got better at hiding it. We had sex one night, and she put zero effort in. It felt like a desperate attempt at attachment. This leads to our current situation
I’d finally had enough. It was death by a thousand cuts, and all it took was one stupid incident to put me over the top. It was finally enough that she noticed the dramatic shift, that I had finally broken, and it prompted her to make a change. She had a breakdown at work. They gave her time off, and set her up with mental health services. She’s been home for the last couple weeks, and trying her best…. But I can’t feel anything.
I don’t know what I’m expecting, but I had to get this out. I don’t hate her, but I feel like any romantic love is long gone. How do I go about forgiving years of neglect? Has anyone been through something like this and had things go back to normal?
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She sounds miserable, and overworked, and is in the midst of a mental health crisis, and your biggest concern is your penis? Let her go. Let her live a better life.
You don’t. She would have to change and win you back. She has to put the effort in dates and whatnot once she is stable enough to. Forgiving too easily and enabling will put you right back to square one. She has to see therapy through till the end. And that would be the ultimatum that I would put in place.
Sorry to hear what you have gone through. If you want the marriage to continue, tell her how you are feeling then tell her you both need to go into marriage counseling. If she refuses, there’s not much you can do by yourself to fix this.
Good luck.
I think sometimes you just get to a point of checking out and it’s too late to get it back. I don’t know. I hope you can, if that’s what you want.
You don’t have much of a relationship. You’re still young and can find someone who cares about you. Someone you can communicate with, have mutual respect for and understand each other. Could it be your wife. One would think but I doubt she is willing to put in the work required so you both can be happy together.
This is a difficult situation. Resentment is hard to overcome and forgiveness, it takes a lot of work and a lot harsh honesty, with ones self especially. Its been years since i started the work and I still struggle with it at times, the hurt and the pain will still creep up on me today.
I would start by taking accountability of my own actions. Recognizing that I had chosen to stay in this situation and that I had chosen to continue a relationship where I was being neglected. That I had chosen to do more, even though my needs were not met. These are decisions I made.
I’d work on improving my own emotional intelligence as well and ask myself questions like, why wouldn’t someone change? why change now? What forces are at play that would prevent someone from making the change?
You don’t feel anything because she gives nothing. What’s in this for you. Not really sure why you reproduced when this was going south but it’s too late for that. For the sake of you and your kids get out. Let her have her sadness alone.
It would be interesting to hear her take but then in many of these cases the other party doesn’t want to be forthcoming.
In the end you can only do so much, irrespective of the circumstances.
The mad thing is that avoiding whatever issue is involved, never makes the problem go away, but people do it anyway. I’ve got no real explanations.
Sounds like she has hormonal issues, get her to the dr
You’re not overreacting, you’re underreacting, honestly. It’s not about “permission,” it’s about basic respect. Springing a random out-of-state trip to comfort some girl he barely talks about, then getting defensive when you express discomfort? Huge flag. Trust your gut.
I mean no disrespect by asking this question at all it just sticks in my head. Do you think that she was having an affair that you had no idea anything about with somebody at work that’s why mood changes and that’s why maybe she had the breakdown at work?
I think sometimes you can’t – or if you can it takes a lot of effort on both sides alongside things like intensive therapy.
She might have been going through some stuff but it doesn’t help if she wasn’t seeking help and was hiding it from you rather than confronting it. Part of being in a relationship is allowing the other to support you.
I am so sorry you are going through this, sounds like you are well adjusted and have resources… I have a suggestion, it could either fix things, or completely ruin them… maybe run it by a counselor first. It will however have an effect, get your house in order, see a lawyer and file for legal separation. Tell her you are busy caring for and minding the children and raising her as an additional child is too much to bear. You want her to go live with (friends/family) until she gets her stuff together. When she is ready you will hear her decision about whether or not to go through the separation and on to divorce, or whether she can prove she is worthy of sharing a life with you and the kids. ..