I don’t know how to address this with my friend or if I even should.
My friend has two daughters and I have one myself.
My friends eldest (6) is the golden child and can do no wrong in her parents eyes whereas the youngest (3) is always described as a nightmare,challenging & naughty. Even in front of her. The parents preference for the eldest is so obvious to the point that they are paying for the eldest to have a private education but will be sending the youngest to a state provided school.
They complement my daughter (1) for how laidback and well behaved she is. Saying how they would have another if they could guarantee it would be like her but knowing their luck it would be like their youngest. This was said in front of the child.
It makes me so uncomfortable for the youngest who is a darling girl with a vibrant personality and if anything the parents are making the eldest insufferable. The eldest even describes herself as “the best child”.
As much as I know it’s not my business, my heartbreaks for the youngest who deserves to be loved as an equal in the family.
The entire thing makes me want to distance myself from this friend but I feel so protective over the youngest and try to speak as positively about her as possible and encourage her when we are together.
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They need to get a handle on this now and stop speaking badly in front of their youngest, because this is the kind of behaviour from parents that creates resentment and gets them left in a care home one day with no visitors.
Children feed off their parents’ attitudes too and at 3, she is old enough to understand what they’re saying. As she gets older, it’s all she’ll hear and that is soul destroying for a child.
If you want to say something, next time they say it in front of her, maybe just nod your head in the child’s direction and say “I think she’s old enough to understand what you’re saying now, maybe just be a bit careful with your choice of wording in front of her?”
It might sound harsh and to the point, but there really isn’t another way you can tell them without getting your point across.
First, do you know if any other of their family’s members see this behavior? Most of the stories I’ve read had family members that knew about the abuse but kept quiet. Also talk to other neighbors if they have seen the abuse. If there are others then get together and have an intervention or call CPS an explain what is happening. You could even show them stories about what happens to their family dynamics if they could to favor one child.
I think you call it out right in the moment. “Friend, it makes me really uncomfortable when you talk about your daughter like that. Especially in front of her. Please don’t do that around me.”
I honestly would be stepping away from this friendship and would absolutely tell her why. Her behavior is emotionally abusive and damaging. It’s not actionable by any child protective agency but that doesn’t mean it’s not damaging. And I wouldn’t want my own kid around that either.
My immediate response would be, “I honestly don’t understand what you mean. I have been around Child 2 often enough that I can honestly say she is a great kid. Sure, she is only 3 and has bad days just like the rest of us, but I have never regretted being around her. How is she worse than Child 1 in your eyes? Does she [list two or three obnoxious/bad things Child 1 does regularly without being reprimanded]? If so, she may only be copying her sister and trying to be more like her.”