I tell her “I love you” a lot but I know she thinks verbal stuff doesn’t mean anything.
I can’t take her out to dinner because she doesn’t like eating out in case of “bad/unhealthy ingredients”. She’s tired often and she works a lot.
But the thing, she’s really upset.
I have broken her trust and failed to keep up with my promises and I am so so so bad at showing love through physical actions. I’ve been very selfish and even cruel to her. A heartfelt apology will not cut it. I’ve realised I’ve been an awful daughter to her, who is a single immigrant mother raising me alone in this country where she has no close friends or relatives. I’ve been downright cruel.
How do I stop? How do I be better? Can she still love me?
And how do I apologise?
I think I still love her. I wouldn’t cry so hard if I didn’t.
What do I do? And what do I do if she no longer loves me?
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I can tell that you feel so so guilty for what you’ve done. You need to forgive yourself for your mistake, just as much as she needs to forgive you.
A parent’s love is unconditional. She will never lose her love for you. Many first gen immigrants are very strict and have a big wall built around them, because they’ve had to persevere through so so much. Maybe start by writing a letter to express how you feel, and to open the conversation up about your fears of her not forgiving you. If you feel comfortable, you can even try to do it in conversation. She may not want to listen but you have a right to speak, and I have a feeling you’ll break her walls down slowly.
What do you think her love language is? It clearly isn’t words of affirmation, maybe acts of service? I’d try doing some small cleaning tasks around the house to help lighten her load – do the dishes after dinner, fold the laundry once it’s dry, sweep and mop the floors. My immigrant mother in law also likes small gifts (obviously this is dependent on the person and culture) like a chocolate bar or candle, just for them to know you’ve thought of them.
I can tell that you love your mom. You sound like you’re trying really hard to make things right and I think she’ll be able to see that once her emotions are a bit less strong.