TRIGGER WARNING: dr*g abuse, physical abuse
I’m sorry this is so long!
My father (42m) and I (26f) have always had a tumultuous relationship. Him and my mom split when I was 3 and he immediately jumped into a relationship with the woman he cheated on her with. They married when I was 11. Growing up he put his hands on my brother and I, both our mom, and our step siblings. I’ve cut him off a couple of times but I usually end up reconciling. But the older I get the more I realize he’s not the one putting effort into making our relationship better. He has apologized 2 times in my life where I thought he actually meant it. While he got sober when I got pregnant, he still does coke, hallucinogenic and other things that “aren’t as serious as mth“. Among so many other things, he has an entitled attitude and talks down to everybody.
Recently, this past March, him and my step mom came up to visit over my birthday weekend. Before coming up they asked if they could take my 4 year old daughter to this really cool children’s museum/play place. I agreed because that sounds awesome right? I also told them I wouldn’t be able to go because I had recently hurt my back severe enough that I’m on pain medication and can’t walk very long. It was so bad I even peed my pants when my disc herniated. The day before leaving my dad asked if I wanted to go with them. I said “not only do I not want to spend my 26th birthday in a kids museum because I can take her whenever, I also severely hurt myself and simply cannot walk that much.” He proceeded to try to guilt me into going saying “you won’t even go to spend time with your daughtet?” Like dude she lives with me, tf?
Anyway fast forward to the night before my birthday, they took us out to a nice restaurant for dinner. In the car on the way home he starts complaining that he can’t say “faggot” anymore. He said this, laughing, in front of me and my GIRLFRIEND. She dead pans me and just shakes her head. In the moment I just shrugged and mouthed a sorry to her. The day of my birthday, they’re late coming to pick her up (they said 10a but didn’t get there until 11), which no biggie normally but she knows the difference between 10 and 11 and knew they were late lol. Anyway, they were gone all day and didn’t come back until around 7 pm. My partner had been cooking meat for street tacos all day in a crackpot and made handmade pico and I know she put a lot of love and time into it. They stopped by for maybe 5 minutes to let my daughter say goodnight and happy birthday to me. They didn’t even stay long enough to let my daughter or even them eat the dinner my partner very thoughtfully prepared. According to them they were very tired.
Note: my dad showed up that day still smelling like the patron he drank the night before.
The only reason I let my daughter go was because she was so excited and I didn’t want to crush her.
After they got home that Monday, my mother called me and said she had something important to ask me and how she knows I’ll tell her the truth. The conversation absolutely floored me and my mom ended up chuckling because she knows I would’ve told her first.
Turns out, my dad told my brothers baby mama that my partner was pregnant and that I was “ok with it”. So she called my mom (me and bm don’t talk often) and told her because she was confused. First of all, like I shouldn’t be ok with it?? Second, even if she was he took the surprise of telling people away from us. It overall was just such a breach of trust and the whole weekend really upset my partner. So we had a conversation and decided they wouldn’t be allowed up here to visit anymore. (We live in OK and my whole family lives in TX) but I KNOW I have issues setting boundaries with them because they are both narcissists and do not take accountability for anything.
So I’m just hoping for some advice on how to approach this.
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Backup of the post’s body: TRIGGER WARNING: dr*g abuse, physical abuse
I’m sorry this is so long!
My father (42m) and I (26f) have always had a tumultuous relationship. Him and my mom split when I was 3 and he immediately jumped into a relationship with the woman he cheated on her with. They married when I was 11. Growing up he put his hands on my brother and I, both our mom, and our step siblings. I’ve cut him off a couple of times but I usually end up reconciling. But the older I get the more I realize he’s not the one putting effort into making our relationship better. He has apologized 2 times in my life where I thought he actually meant it. While he got sober when I got pregnant, he still does coke, hallucinogenic and other things that “aren’t as serious as mth“. Among so many other things, he has an entitled attitude and talks down to everybody.
Recently, this past March, him and my step mom came up to visit over my birthday weekend. Before coming up they asked if they could take my 4 year old daughter to this really cool children’s museum/play place. I agreed because that sounds awesome right? I also told them I wouldn’t be able to go because I had recently hurt my back severe enough that I’m on pain medication and can’t walk very long. It was so bad I even peed my pants when my disc herniated. The day before leaving my dad asked if I wanted to go with them. I said “not only do I not want to spend my 26th birthday in a kids museum because I can take her whenever, I also severely hurt myself and simply cannot walk that much.” He proceeded to try to guilt me into going saying “you won’t even go to spend time with your daughtet?” Like dude she lives with me, tf?
Anyway fast forward to the night before my birthday, they took us out to a nice restaurant for dinner. In the car on the way home he starts complaining that he can’t say “faggot” anymore. He said this, laughing, in front of me and my GIRLFRIEND. She dead pans me and just shakes her head. In the moment I just shrugged and mouthed a sorry to her. The day of my birthday, they’re late coming to pick her up (they said 10a but didn’t get there until 11), which no biggie normally but she knows the difference between 10 and 11 and knew they were late lol. Anyway, they were gone all day and didn’t come back until around 7 pm. My partner had been cooking meat for street tacos all day in a crackpot and made handmade pico and I know she put a lot of love and time into it. They stopped by for maybe 5 minutes to let my daughter say goodnight and happy birthday to me. They didn’t even stay long enough to let my daughter or even them eat the dinner my partner very thoughtfully prepared. According to them they were very tired.
Note: my dad showed up that day still smelling like the patron he drank the night before.
The only reason I let my daughter go was because she was so excited and I didn’t want to crush her.
After they got home that Monday, my mother called me and said she had something important to ask me and how she knows I’ll tell her the truth. The conversation absolutely floored me and my mom ended up chuckling because she knows I would’ve told her first.
Turns out, my dad told my brothers baby mama that my partner was pregnant and that I was “ok with it”. So she called my mom (me and bm don’t talk often) and told her because she was confused. First of all, like I shouldn’t be ok with it?? Second, even if she was he took the surprise of telling people away from us. It overall was just such a breach of trust and the whole weekend really upset my partner. So we had a conversation and decided they wouldn’t be allowed up here to visit anymore. (We live in OK and my whole family lives in TX) but I KNOW I have issues setting boundaries with them because they are both narcissists and do not take accountability for anything.
So I’m just hoping for some advice on how to approach this.
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I don’t really understand what you are asking here. If you don’t want them in your life then just say as much. Are you asking about how to tell them, like literally what words to say? Or are you more so unsure that you’d be doing the right thing?
Have the conversation. Make a list of reasons you need to stick with it. Give a copy to your partner, with your permission to beat you over the head with it when you’re tempted to reconcile.
This is such a tough situation but you are doing the right thing by putting your well being and your family first it takes a lot of strength to break cycle proud of you for choosing peace
I hope your SM drove to the children’s museum! No way, would I have allowed my father, who smelled like tequila, to take my child anywhere
OP,
It’s not a conversation that you need to have in an immediate fashion. I strongly suggest you organize your thoughts, make extensive notes, and then ultimately mail him a letter explaining the reasons for your cessation of any relationship with he and SM.
Instruct him that he need not reply. And then block them.
Good luck. Drama and trauma. You don’t need the toxicity!
No need to make a grand announcement. Just stop feeding the demons, be busy, don’t call, don’t return calls, don’t visit, too busy to have them visit, stop talking to and giving information to other family members. If you must talk, talk about something so generic it is boring, a new recipe, the weather, the grass, your life is great. Stop feeding the demons.
Just keep it short and to the point. You’re done. He can lose your phone number. Don’t bother calling because he will be blocked.
Don’t try to explain the why and wherefore of it. As a narcissist, he’ll just flip it around onto you and manipulate you into believing his lifetime of being a shit parent is your fault. Don’t give him that opportunity.
I didn’t make an announcement. I just stopped saying yes to invites and ignoring calls. Eventually he got the message.
Tell them nothing- just block and move on.
“Crackpot” sounds fitting.
If you’re sure about it, then send them an email telling them that you’re going no contact, and if you choose, you can tell them why. Then block them on all communication platforms. I prefer the written option because it doesn’t require confrontation, and you can carefully craft and revise your email, so it says exactly what you want to say.
Just stop engaging. This is all nonsense. Cut them off or you’re bringing the drama on yourself.
Your job is not to get them to agree that what you are doing is right. You don’t have to convince them of anything. You probably can’t anyway.
You job is just to straightforwardly tell them what you are going to do with them, and then stick with that, no matter what they say.
If they ask for reasons, it’s not because they are open to understanding your point of view. They only want reasons so they can tear them down, and say they aren’t good enough. So don’t fall for that. Don’t engage in conversation, because they aren’t capable of the give and take honest conversation requires. You tell them, then you walk away.
You don’t, you just keep your distance. You dont need their permission or bring unnecessary drama, you just…live your life without them.
As other stuff said you can quietly distance yourself / go no contact with people. You can pull the I’m just so busy or unavailable card. You also can just stop trying to engage them in conversations or trying to hang out with them. Match their energy back with trying to hang out with them. A lot of times you’ll find that you are the one that is reaching out to them to hang out or try to engage them and just stop doing that.