Hello all,
I (32,f) have been working for over 10 years, and this has been an issue multiple times. I’m a friendly person, I enjoy joking around with colleagues, I’m generally friendly to most people, because I think having a nice work atmosphere makes life easier for everyone.
However, it eventually at sometimes leads to men misinterpreting me being friendly to them as having interest in them. It’s at a point where I change a lot how I interact with men in the office vs women. I’m much closer with women in the office, being touchy is normal in our culture -like touching someone’s arm while you talk, putting arm around someone when you walk down the hallway, etc. I specifically and intentionally don’t do this with men, I don’t initiate or reciprocate touch other than a handshake. I keep conversation work-related or basic small-talk like “how are the kids, any fun weekend plans?” And still, it occurred multiple times that men I work with, usually men I’m not even particularly close with or engage with all that much, jump at the opportunity to hit on me.
I had a colleague who drove me back to the office to pick up my own car after we came back from a work event try to kiss me in his car (I reported him). I never even thought anything about this man in that way or had any indication where his assumption came from. Another colleague asked me my room number after we danced together at a staff retreat (everyone was dancing, it wasn’t weird). This year alone, one guy who quit started bombarding me with messages and voice notes and calls as soon as he quit. I was clear that I’m not interested and ended up having to block him. This week another office guy I barely ever talked to drunk called me at night. All our conversations prior to that were about IT support. In the same day, a client asked me to come on a hike with him, not our team that’s working with him, specifically me.
It makes me incredibly uncomfortable at work. How do other women deal with this? I mean I can’t stop engaging with men altogether at work. But how do you act in a way that’s friendly at work without male colleagues misinterpreting it as romantic interest? I just shouldn’t even be friendly to men? I’m really not sure what I’m doing wrong, the ones that came onto me weren’t even colleagues I was particularly friendly to or had much engagement with, I was just generally nice in the same way I try to be with everyone at work.
Or other women are just not even nice/friendly to men to avoid this? Project management is a big part of my role, so I have to have decent relations with most people in the office, including other teams.
With men in the street, bars, its easy because I can tell them to fuck off or just ignore them, but the office environment doesn’t very much allow me to do that, especially when men come onto me in a way that’s ambiguous, but where I can absolutely sense from the vibe that it’s not ambiguous, like asking me to go on a hike alone.
Edit to add, although it shouldn’t matter: I don’t dress particularly well for the office, I dress normal with jeans and company t-shirt on most days, long dresses sometimes when its hot, and I don’t wear makeup, jewelery, anything. I’m not even particularly pretty, I’m a very average, overweight woman. I do have very long hair, do I need to cut it off? I honestly don’t know what I need to do at this point..
2nd Edit to add: all of the men in the above were at least 10 years older than me & married with kids. When I was a few years younger, I assumed that fact would keep these men from hitting on me, but not at all. I actually don’t remember any unmarried men hitting on me at work, it’s always married men, usually with kids.
Tl;dr how do you maintain friendly relations with male coworkers without them trying to flirt or hit on you?
Comments
Let me assure you that guys will hit on you whether you are friendly to them or not. You are there and available to talk to, so you are a target.
Maybe drop into a conversation that you don’t date people you work with. Like if some other people at work are dating you go “Well that is okay but I would never date someone I work with.”
Not every guy will get the hint. They should bring back the Pepe Le Pew cartoons as they are a clear example of not what to do and that she might not be into you. The joke is that Pepe doesn’t realise this and that he stinks. But he can’t work it out, but even kids realise this.
You can’t, sorry. It’s not about you, it’s about them. You gotta be cold and professional to stay safe, and even then it’s not a guarantee.
> I just shouldn’t even be friendly to men?
Frankly, yes. That seems to be the only way not to be seen as flirty.
Now they might call you cold, but they should be less likely to harass you.
Put a ring on?
Your age is different from post to post, both older and younger. Weird huh.
What works for me is pretending I have a boyfriend
Sad but true.
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It really is their problem, its not you. I have a female colleague who is very much my type, and she is very friendly, talkative and touchy. We’re both married. Took me some time to force myself to see her only as a friend.
Your colleagues must understand that on their own and stop themselves. Or you could just stop being friendly with them, become all business.
My advice to you: don’t be friendly. Be polite yes, but never friendly. I don’t talk to anyone at work. I go there, do my job and then i go home. And mind you, i’m in a male dominated field. I’ve never been bothered and never been asked out, and no i’m not ugly lol.
I don’t have much of an answer to you, but I’d like to vent a bit. In my experience, the only time I’ve been able to actually have male friends at work was when I was openly dating a colleague. Men respect other men more than they respect women.
Yes we deal with it. Sucks :/
Unfortunately many dudes grow up interpreting being nice as interest because they either don’t get it or have been told by other dudes that’s what it means. It happens among women as well but not as much as men in my experience
As for how to prevent it unfortunately there isn’t really a way even if you were lesbian and stated so publicly there will be some guy out there that would think “I can change her”
The short answer is that you can’t. There are things you can do to reduce the number of times men hit on you, but you can’t make them stop. For me, I’ve learned that developing a reputation for being brutal and completely disinterested has served me well. I did it with intention because my baseline is friendly and affectionate – but it works so well. It keeps the shady men away. It also makes them less likely to take advantage of you professionally (asking you to do extra work/taking credit for your ideas) because they all think you’re a mean bitch and stay far away from you.
All I needed to do was call out the dudes the moment they crossed the line, directly and immediately (including if it was in front other people), and the next day I was the office bitch to a select group of men and my relationship went completely unchanged with everyone else. There are some social consequences in that some of the men made things unnecessarily difficult for me (for example, I was carrying several boxes while trying to get through the front door and one of them walked in front of me, opened it just enough for himself, and then closed it all the way, leaving me there. Petty stuff like that) but personally I’m much more comfortable managing toddler-like behavior than getting sexually harassed.
Honestly, you can’t stop them, even if you try everything. I recently had this happen to me with a very annoying, persistent coworker. Unfortunately, he was smart enough to be subtle about it all until recently for me to take it to HR.
I did all of the following:
Made it clear I didn’t date people I worked with
Lied and said I had a boyfriend
When asked to hang out after work, I bluntly told them no, and that I will never be interested
Didn’t talk to him about any personal stuff and kept it work related
Despite all of this, out of desperation after getting rejected from me multiple times, he tried to corner me and ask me out on a date while we were on a business trip. Even on the trip, I did my best to avoid any hangouts after work hours, and if we did have to have dinner together with other colleagues, I avoided alcohol to be sober to prevent him from trying anything. He realized I was avoiding him, so he created a fake situation where he was distressed/hurt, knowing I would come help. Only then did he pull his move.
After that, I had solid proof and was done with his crap, so I went to HR about it. The best you can do is to document it all and avoid any situation that would leave you alone with them if you can.
You ask what you’re doing wrong, and from you’ve written, I don’t see anything.
Guys can have women be friendly to them without being creepy, and they should especially do so if they are dating/married. It is their responsibility to maintain appropriate boundaries with the people around them.
It’s sad how many married guys with or without kids 1. Will be creepy to women and 2. Are willing to destroy their marriages and all of the fallout that comes along with that.
Hah I remember my wife telling me “but he is older and married” about colleagues being friendly with her.
I pointed out that does not deter them
Talk to hr and ask them to do harassment training. This is beyond unacceptable in an office setting.
If they don’t put a stop to this talk to a lawyer. You shouldn’t have to alter how you interact with men to get them to act appropriately in the office.
For anything egregious like the guy that tried to kiss you and the guy who drunk called you – report them directly. They shoild be disciplined or fired for that behaviour. The company can be liable for their behaviour if they don’t do anything about it.
Edit: I’m shocked at how many women here are suggesting op should have to alter how she interacts with her coworkers. This is a legal liability issue – the company has to handle this.