how do i build a better relationship with my parents when they refuse to accept me for who i am- a disabled nonbinary lesbian

hey guys, i’m not an avid reddit user, so please give me some grace if this is a little scattered and let me know if there’s anything i need to clarify. the main people this story involves are myself (24NB), my partner of a year and a half (22F), and my parents (50s M and F). a bit of backstory is needed to understand the context of this situation. while many aspects of my childhood were extremely privileged, i never felt emotionally supported by my parents. they always had a very specific vision for who they wanted me to be, and let me know that through their actions. i had very little personal freedom growing up. my parents regulated what i wore, forcing me into skirts and dresses despite my refusal. it got to a point that by the time i got to high school, i started wearing them because i wanted the approval and support of my parents. i wanted to be who they wanted me to be. i remember pretending to be sick in order to have any sort of positive care and affection from my parents. if i ever sought advise from my parents growing up i was always criticized instead of supported. i wasn’t offered help on how to move forward, just judgement on my actions that got me into the situation. i knew who i was back then, but my parents did not accept it. i’ve always known i wasn’t quite a girl, but didn’t want to be a boy either. i also knew i liked ladies by the time i could express it. i told my mom once growing up that if girls were allowed to get married, id want to marry a friend of mine. i also want to throw in here that if you intend to try and convince me who i am is wrong, don’t waste your time. i’m also not here to debate if nonbinary people can be lesbians (we exist, go touch grass). other examples of our dynamic include; my father telling me he wanted to grab me by the neck and throw me out the window for leaving a butter knife in the sink, my mom forcing me to wear bows (then showing up to school to scold me if i had taken it off), telling me i was dramatic after finding out i slept on the floor because i felt i didn’t deserve a bed, hearing constantly that if my parents did not have children they would have a boat and summer house, etc. there are a lot more if you need clarification.

now, i want to be clear that there were a lot of aspects of my childhood that were wonderful and very privileged, and i love my parents and family deeply. there are many people out there in far far worse situations than my own, and i recognize that. however, just because things aren’t the worst they can be, doesn’t mean they can’t be better, and i want to try and make this situation better. i am looking for advice on how to interact with complicated family dynamics. how can i help them understand the harm they caused me without attacking them or speaking about them poorly? how do i get over the trauma response to run when i try to speak to them? i’m already in therapy because i struggle with ptsd from when i lived in a different country a few years ago. long story short, i got into a physical altercation because a man was upset i was dancing with a woman in a club. i have had a few subsequent altercations for similar reasons— being ‘encouraged’ to leave a restaurant, nearly being hit by a car for opening the car door for my girlfriend, being followed home on the highway, you get the point.

the situation that brings me here; how do i interact with my parents? I haven’t been able to work for a few months because of the state of my ptsd. if i am startled in public, there’s a chance i could accidentally hit someone, making it impossible for me to work the job i had before. my parents have been helping me get by while i find something else and until i get into school. after starting grad school, i’ll be able to take out loans that can cover my living expenses. when speaking with my parents today about finances, my father threw in my face that I utilize his health insurance for my treatment. and i get it, i’m 24 and should be able to pay everything myself. unfortunately, i am disabled. i feel horrible about having to ask for help in the first place but i’m out of options. i have applied for so many jobs but can’t find anything that i will be able to do. most of the jobs are service jobs, and i can’t work something public facing right now.

this is what i need help with— after speaking to my parents today, i was feeling really awful and decided to call my grandmother (dad’s mom). she is the only member of my family who has never tried to change who i am. because of how upset i was, i confided in her a lot of stuff about my parents and how i did not feel like i could truly talk to them. i told her about a few of the incidents above and she was horrified by some of the things i told her. she told my dad’s sister, who also texted me to check in on me. my dad’s sister has a son (my cousin) who suffers with really severe mental health issues. my parents have always spoken down on him (despite the fact that he is literally sick and it’s not his fault). in my conversation with my grandmother, i told her how i felt my parents look down on me in the same way they look down on him. i just don’t want it to get back to my parents that i’ve told my grandmother this stuff. they already don’t have the best relationship, and my grandmother and grandfather always (rightfully) scolded my parents for being too hard on us. to the point where at one point my parents considered cutting them out if they couldn’t just be grandparents. even at 24 i feel like i’ll be ‘in trouble’ for telling other family about it. how do i move forward? how do i help improve the relationship when every time i’ve talked with my parents about the past, they’ve denied it happened or say they don’t remember it? thank you for taking the time to read if you’ve gotten this far. i love my family and want a relationship with them, but i can’t do it at the expense of myself anymore. i could say a lot more, but i’m just going to leave it here for now. if you need any other examples, have any questions, please let me know and i will do my best to answer them

TL;DR: i don’t know how to navigate the relationship with my parents because they refuse to accept me for who i am, a disabled nonbinary lesbian.