I’ve made a lot of excuses for it over the years (I told her what happened when I was 22, I’m 31 now) but now that I’m getting closer to the age where I’m thinking about having kids its disgusting that she’s so buddy buddy with him. I could never imagine giggling with the man who put hands on my child. I know in her mind its “not so bad” because it was only once and only touching over my clothes.
Besides my mom and my husband, no one else knows.
I get that he’s her best friends husband and she can’t cut him out of her life but she will casually mention him in front of me and I’m starting to despise her for it. Her friend and this man kept her in their house when she left my abusive dad so I understand she feels a sense of gratitude.
Like she can see it upsets me when he’s brought up but she’ll say stuff like “he’s aging gracefully” or “he’s such a good husband he made us tea”. Like I don’t expect her to cut him off but just dont bring him up like nothing happened???
She has a long history of continuing to associate with people who were awful to me growing up and she’s never stood up for me, but this is another level of awful.
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Cut her off until she realizes her actions have consequences. That’s not someone that has your best interests at heart.
No she absolutely can cut him out of her life, and so could her best friend assuming she is aware of what he did. Likewise you can cut her off or go very very low contact (ie be polite if you see her at another family members house/event) because you decide you aren’t willing to continue accepting this atrocious behavior.
As a parent. No one who harms my child is safe around me. I would not only cut you out of my life…. I hate to tell you this, but I would consider going no contact. My guess is this isn’t the only time she hasn’t protected you.
I mean… if my best friend’s husband assaulted my kid I’d be done with him permanently, and done with her too if that was an issue for her. I don’t know if she doesn’t believe you or just doesn’t think it matters, but either way I’m so sorry, OP.
And complimenting him in front of you? That takes it a step further and makes it worse. Not bringing him up around you is quite literally the least she could do.
If you ceased contact with her I wouldn’t blame you.
Go no contact. Best decision I ever made
She can absolutely cut him out and she should. If my best friend’s husband harmed my child and my best friend chose to stay with him, I would cut them both off. You should teach her this lesson by cutting her off. I also hope you get/got the help you needed.
Ohhh girl, I can relate with this very much. I’m sending you a big hug. This is the worst feeling ever… worse than the actual abuse in my experience.
OP, I’ve been in a similar situation with my mother. My conclusion in my case is that she doesn’t like me. It’s really that simple. She doesn’t like me.
It’s a bitter pill and I still can’t wrap my brain around it. She is toxic and will never change.
I also agree with another commenter about her acting against you like this not being an isolated incident.
For me it’s important to realize how my mom hasn’t been on “my side” a lot because it helped me see how I’ve let other people into my life who have acted the same way. It’s hard to see because I don’t want to admit these people are truly not my friends etc. But the alternative is letting them slowly and silently poison my life.
I would cut her off, that’s inexcusable
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. My mom also chose to still associate with my rapist, and that is worse than the assault. My best advice would be to choose yourself and distance yourself from her and her associates.
That is so incredibly fucked and I’m so sorry. It would be reasonable of you to cut her off completely. I don’t know how you can choose a sex offender over your own child. There’s something wrong with her and honestly it sounds like she’s into him
I would definitely suggest going to therapy/ continue to go to therapy if you’re able. I don’t really know if you can totally get over this. You might just didn’t need to remove the reminder of it out of your life.
I’m not a parent but I assume any parent should be willing to leave anyone in their life for dead if they harmed their child, including their best friend /their best friend’s husband
It might be helpful to post in the sexual assault subreddit, If you haven’t already
This is bothering you for a reason. She did not choose you. I’m sorry all that happened and she wasn’t there for you how you needed her to be.
I have been in a very similar situation. Had to go no contact for a (long) while until they realized they were choosing his/their own comfort over mine and righted themselves. Feel free to message me if you want to vent/chat about it.
She gets cut off until she has had enough therapy to understand the enormity of what she has done to you and can sincerely apologize and make amends.
Please for your sake cut off contact. When I found out my then ex was SAing my daughter I immediately called a assault hotline, the police, got her in therapy and kicked him out and never spoke to him again. My last contact was at court reading hers and mine impact statement. We have worked a lot through therapy so I could acknowledge anything I missed and to address any pain I may have unintentionally caused. She forgave me a long time ago but I don’t think I will ever completely forgive myself. THAT IS THE BARE MINIMUM YOUR MOTHER SHOULD BE DOING FOR YOU!!!
No excuse. Who cares if he is her best friend’s husband. Siding with your daughter is the right thing to do. I would risk losing a friendship if it meant supporting my daughter. Honestly, I would have ripped his throat out TBH. no way I’d be drinking tea made by him. No contact might be the way to go.
Your mom is wrong, 100% but unfortunately she’s the rule, not the exception in my experience.
Your children >>>>> everybody
If that meant her friendship with her best friend would have been over, so be it
I would go low contact with her (no contact if possible). You deserve better.
My mom is still married to the same man that has been verbally abusive and nasty to the whole family since I was 12. When I was 35 I told my mom we would not be going to their house and my stepdad would not be allowed any contact with my family. My mom has always made excuses for him, I don’t like her either at this point.
As a mom I would have dropped that person and probably that friend if she stood by him.
You cut all these people from your life. Once you become a mom , well you already see it. For people we love, for our children. Their safety is of utmost importance and no social standing, no relationships trump that.
OP – I’m a mom of teens. And not an overprotective mom, my kids have a huge amount of autonomy, and I am a busy as fuck working mom.
Two years ago I watched a soccer coach yell at someone else’s kid until she cried and my daughter literally quit the team that weekend (it was during a travel tournament). I can’t imagine what I would have done had that coach physically abused my own daughter. This behavior by your mom is 💯 unacceptable and you should have been protected- this lack of parenting is not a reflection on you.
I think for the sake of your future children you should cut ties. My dad came from an highly abusive home and when I was 1 he cut all contact with his mom and that was FOR MY SAKE. He recognized the pattern and broke it.
She’s just someone capable of giving birth and that’s all. She failed to protect you multiple times and is continuing to do so. That however is not a measure of your worth and value as a person. It wasn’t your fault. If she doesn’t respect you, respect yourself and stay away from her. She will never be the mother you need her to be. I’m sorry, OP. You deserve to surround yourself with people who care about you and love you.
I’m a mom. If my best friend’s husband touched my kids over their clothes I would blow that friendship up if I had to. Fuck that “she can’t avoid him”. Yes she can. She absolutely can.
Even if my child didn’t want me to do anything other than be their confidant, as it sounds like is the case for you, I’d still drop that friendship like a hot coal. There’s no possible way I could be within eyesight of that man without lunging for his throat.
Your mom is a piece of shit.
With all love and respect to you, I’m so sorry for what you have been through and for how hard it must be to grapple with this betrayal from someone you love. I just want you to know your feelings are more than justified, and I think you’ve probably muted the full extent of what you feel because you think you shouldn’t feel that way. This situation would fuck with anyone’s mind. If you can, I really think therapy could help you unpack and deal with this.
Here’s my advice (I was in a very similar situation unfortunately)
You: Mom, please don’t speak of Abuser in my presence. It is deeply alarming.
Mom: But he is so considerate! He made me tea!
You: If you keep praising or even talking about him, I will leave/hang up/ be unavailable for texting for a week.
Mom: But he…
You: LEAVE or HANG UP or STOP TEXTING FOR A WEEK
If that doesn’t work, I would seriously consider going no contact. Her behavior is revolting .
I was SA’d by my older sister’s friend. Even after she learned of this, she stayed friends with him and for years would sneakily drop him into our conversations. Updates on his life, nostalgic comments about him. It was strange and sadistic.
Eventually I realized my sister was harmful to me and I went no contact.
Cut her off. Who needs enemies when this is what their family is like?
She can definitely cut him out of her life she clearly cares more about her friendships than her daughter. If I were you I’d never talk to my mother again that’s disgusting
A man sexually assaulted my husband when he was a young teen. His mother is constantly talking about him and has even tried to get us all to go stay at his place in Florida for his 90th birthday (absolutely not). My husband puts up with it and has asked me not to make a fuss but one day I will explode and tell her off.
If this man ever was in my presence, I would not be able to keep my mouth shut. It might have been more than 30 years ago but it’s disgusting and haunts my husband and I would definitely end up in jail.
In what world can you not cut your best friend’s husband out of your life (or the best friend for that matter) when they molest your child?
Why do you feel this way?
And your mom is foul.
She absolutely can cut him out of her life – don’t give her an excuse like she’s doing to you.
I was in the same position – my mother actually went to my abusers funeral and CRIED when he passed. She associated, spent holidays with him for years without me knowing. I found out tidbits over the years and she always made it seem like it was a coincidence. But even coincidences – she should’ve walked out and not entertained.
I am no contact with her. I won’t allow someone in my life who can’t do the bare minimum which is protect their child. I am still her child just like you are your mothers. Peace is expensive my friend and it cost me a mother but truthfully what I learned through therapy and my support system is she was never a good mother to begin with so what I lost is the dream of a mother.
Lay down the law and if she mentions him again, hang up the phone. Leave the event.
My (late) mother would constantly denigrate my father until I told her not to and enforced it. I completely understood why she did it, he used to beat her, but at that point they’d been divorced over 30 years, he hadn’t laid a hand on me for over 20 years, and I had long since forgiven him. I refused to talk about him with her at all because of all the vitriol, she was the most bitter person I ever met. But she’d keep prying until I said something about him and then she’d pounce. “Ewww, your faaather used to beat me” “such a creep” “how can you staaaand him”? It gets fucking OLD after decades.
Anyway, I obviously have some unresolved issues lol. But put out your boundaries and enforce them.
Sounds like you have to give her a hard choice him or you , then you will have even a hard choice cut her out of your life or walk back on your own decision , if she chooses him
So many boomer moms are like this. I went through similar, my uncle basically abused or tried to abuse all the kids in my family, and my mom and the rest of her family acts like it never happened. He died in 2017, and she still will bring him up, the other week she was like “It was ‘uncles’ birthday last week”, etc.. I can’t figure it out, it’s really disturbing.