Sorry for the long post.
So, I have a bit of a unique situation. My (35F) grandfather (78M) passed away suddenly a few months ago. He was married to my step-grandmother for about 10 years, they met later in life I only met her a handful of times growing up. They lived 2000 miles away, were always traveling the world, and we were never close. I saw them maybe once every three years, and it was always brief and centered around grandpa.
Fast forward to now: I have a 6-month-old baby, first baby in the family in 30 years. My grandfather never met my child. When he passed, I traveled across the country to attend the funeral with a screaming infant, and that’s the first time the extended family met my baby.
After the funeral, my step-grandma, who has no family or children of her own, decided she wanted to be “great-grandma” to my child. I tried to be open-minded, even though she never visited during my pregnancy, didn’t check in after birth, and really hasn’t played any role in our lives until now. Despite having the means, time, and freedom, she/they just… didn’t.
She asked to visit us for a week, and I agreed. Big mistake. She later told me she was came because she didn’t want to be alone. She offered no help, didn’t cook or clean, spent zero meaningful time with the baby, and disrespected every boundary I set. She was an energy vampire! She has no maternal instincts or common sense, her interactions were bizarre such as trying to feed baby potato chips and never holding them but getting upset when they would cry. She was not loving!
At one point, she said she’s using my baby to fill the void left by my grandfather’s death and to “let her know if she ever gets too weird.” After I dropped her off at the airport, I turned to my husband and said, “She is not family.”
Now she keeps texting me things like “Does baby miss me?” and asking for pictures and keepsakes. What?! She doesn’t even care about the baby, she just cares about herself. I don’t want her involved in my child’s life. I feel deeply uncomfortable with the idea of her ever coming around again, but I also feel guilty just ghosting her. She’s clearly lonely, and in her own way, I think she thinks she’s being kind. But I don’t owe her access to my child just because she’s sad and alone.
How do I tell her, gently, clearly, and firmly, that I don’t want a relationship going forward? That she isn’t family to me and she never will be? I never want to speak to her even again after she handles the will and estate stuf. I’m torn between doing what’s kind and doing what’s best for my family, and they don’t seem to be the same thing right now.
Help!
TL;DR: My step-grandmother (widowed after marrying my grandfather later in life) barely knew me, but after he died, she suddenly decided she wanted to be “great-grandma” to my baby. She visited for a week and it was a disaster: ignored boundaries, did nothing helpful, and admitted she’s using my baby to cope with her grief. Now she won’t stop texting me and asking for pictures, but I don’t want her in our lives. How do I cut her off firmly but kindly without feeling like a terrible person?