Please, bear with me. I’m so lost.
TL;DR. He had come out of a 6-year relationship 8 months before we met. Me, on the other hand – I’ve never been in a serious relationship. I feel inferior to his ex, because I’m convinced she’ll forever be his number one in his memory. Most special, most significant and most meaningful. How do I deal with this fact?
Almost 8 months ago I met a wonderful man online – he’s everything I ever wanted and dreamed of in a partner. We’ve never met physically yet, because we’re from different continents, but we’re planning to in another 6 months.
We’ve had multiple video calls, regular calls, we’ve seen hundreds of videos and photos of each other, we’ve been chatting every day for 5-7 hours straight since day one. We really click. I’ve never bonded with anyone deeper.
However.
He’s my first potential relationship. I’ve never had sex or been with anyone before him. Nothing particularly wrong with me, just very conservative morals, since I’m from a conservative background. And I’m also somewhat insecure.
He, on the other hand, had lived with a girl for 6 years. He had had girlfriends before her, but she was the only long-term relationship of his. I met him about 8-9 months after he had come out of that relationship. And it eats at me in the most insecure way.
As much as he claims that he’s moved on, doesn’t care about her, doesn’t miss her, or that she made him feel very lonely in that relationship, I can’t shake off the feeling that I’m just inferior to her and forever will be. I’m convinced that she’s the love of his life and that I don’t even have a chance with him in real life because I’m just not as good (and she must be real good if he stayed with her for years).
I’m afraid I’ll always feel like I’m competing with a ghost. And he’s shown multiple times now through words and actions that he’s not entirely over her (for example, he calls her names and minimizes her significance, but it reads as him convincing HIMSELF to feel less shit about not having her anymore.)
How do I deal with the feeling of inferiority? I’m just not sure if I should put tremendous effort into meeting him in another country and hope for any sort of affection and relationship if he’ll be forever hung up on her. And let’s be real, you can never truly move on from such a long relationship. Thank you.
Comments
>she’ll forever be his number one in his memory. Most special, most significant and most meaningful.
You need to start by recognizing that this is a story that you have invented. There’s nothing in his behavior that suggests it’s actually the case!
The stuff you describe about not being fully over her, no he’s not, because nobody is free from the emotional detritus of a six year relationship in a year. But “not being over her” doesn’t mean he wants to be with her.
You have this idea in your head that because she was the first, she’ll be this glorious standard that everyone else is measured against, but a lot of people look back on their early relationships – even if there’s some residual affection there – and the dominant emotion is some form of, “Damn, I was really dumb to put up with that for so long, wasn’t I?”
You are looking for someone as inexperienced as you? Good luck with that!
People move on from relationships every. single. day. Like literally all the time. Your naïveté about such things is what’s making you cling to some fairy tale, rom-com notion that a big love is a forever love. It’s not. People outgrow partners, and though they may value the time they spent with them, they have no interest in turning back the clock and moving backwards in time. The issue isn’t “is he over her?—he is—but, rather, why don’t you trust him? And what’s going on with your self esteem to lead you to think you’re “inferior”?
Why weren’t you in a long relationship?
Is he still into her? 8 months and into a new relationship already, I understand your concern, especially as this is your first. I think it mostly depends on if he has moved on or not. My husband had many, I mean many, different hookups etc, and I found out after many years that this was the case. I struggle(d) with this, as i looked for someone more conservative and serious. I think it is a green flag that your partner was able to commit prior to your relationship. And if he now is fully committed to you, then thats a great thing. Count your blessings!