Using a throwaway to avoid doxxing myself
I (27F) recently started a seasonal position at a new workplace. My team is predominantly male, though the department is mostly comprised of young women. I’m generally friendly at work, and I think one of my co-workers (~40M) might have mistaken my gregariousness for something more, but I’m not sure.
He’s made comments about us “having a moment” whenever we accidentally make eye contact, which sometimes happens because his workspace is directly in front of a prominent display that I need to regularly check on throughout our shift (details omitted for privacy). He’s commented on my marital status before, when he mistook a piece of jewelry for a wedding ring. I thought the comments were a little weird, but didn’t think much of them at the time.
Earlier this week, he asked for my number, which again, I didn’t think much of, since it’s common for people in my line of work to exchange phone numbers to inquire about shifts and stuff. I gave it to him, and I knew I had made a mistake when immediately after giving him my number, he asked if I wanted to get food sometime. I said I was busy and wouldn’t have time. A couple days later, he texts me asking if I want to go to a movie with him this week
It’s possible he’s just a social person, but I’m not interested in seeing him outside of work, not as friends, and especially not romantically. This man is 10, probably closer to 15 years my senior, and I thought he would be able to take the hint when I said I didn’t want to get food. I don’t want to come out of the gates swinging by rejecting him if he’s innocently asking to be friends, but I don’t want to hang out with him.
How would you recommend handling the situation? We have to work on this small team together for the next few months, and I’d rather not kill the vibe for the entire team by making this awkward. My workplace is very casual, and the kind of place where many people actually are friends outside of work, so it’s not immediately obvious to me what he wants from me.
How should I respond to him? I left him on read and it’s been over 24 hours, but ghosting seems like a bad strat considering we work together several days a week
TLDR; My older co-worker wants to hang out, and I don’t know how to respond without affecting our team’s dynamic
Comments
“Sounds too much like a date, and I don’t date coworkers. Thanks anyway!”
If he persists, “I’m just not looking to start hanging out outside of work. Thanks anyway.”
If he continues after that, just leave him on read. If he starts saying anything at work to anyone, “dude, why are you making this awkward? I don’t date coworkers and besides, you are way too old for me.” Be sure to say it in front of them. If anyone starts trying to ship you, “That’ll never happen.”
“I don’t fish off the company pier”.
The only thing that will not affect the dynamic is to sidestep the issue indefinitely. Thanks, I have to take care of a few things. Sorry, I’ve got things to do.
A request that he give it a rest changes the dynamic whether he does or not, whether he resents it or not. It changes the dynamic of “I am giving off x much energy on the possibility something might come of it” to something else. And many men who give up their fantasy flirtation are petty and bitter. If you get lucky they ignore you and if you win the lottery they can just dial it back and still be friendly. And unlucky is finding out they are a jerk who were faking being a bearable human to try to get something further.
I love to say to people trying too hard to get my energy to rise up and meet them: you’re too kind. That sounds nice but I have to take care of some things. Thanks, but I am not up for that. Sorry, my vibe is not on board with that. Not this time, thanks. Friendly but off putting and not trying to explain. The repeatable No.
Be 👏 rude👏!!!
This man is ruining the vibe and making things awkward, not you. This man is the problem, not you.
Do not make it your job to protect “the vibe”. Make it your job to stand up for yourself. Stop pleasing and protecting people who have no interest in respecting you.
“I am married. I don’t go on dates with other men or women. I’ll see you at work!” That’s it, girl.
Read the book, gets ideas and suggestions.
Link to a free pdf of Lundy Bancroft’s book: Why does he do that? https://ia902200.us.archive.org/19/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf
HE is jeopardizing the team dynamic. Not you.
You aren’t affecting the dynamic. He is.
When coworkers ask for my phone number, I straight-faced tell them “I don’t have a cell phone”. Most people get it pretty quickly.
“I maintain a strict work-life balance and don’t hang out with coworkers outside of work.”
I’ve been on my current team for 5 years and love them all dearly, but the only time I see them outside of work is for a happy hour that ends by 7pm, and it’s great. Highly recommend keeping it separate.
“I keep my work life and my social life separate. Even if you don’t see the importance of keeping things between employees on a strictly professional level, please stop asking me anyway.”
If he doesn’t stop asking, now you can go to HR and make clear that you told him and he ignored it.
Sometimes men don’t take the hint unless another man is in the picture– real or fictional. Next time he asks you how you are, you can say something like. “I’m great! My boyfriend sent me flowers this morning!”
If he asks you out again, tell him, “Unfortunately my boyfriend and I have a date planned that night.”
It’s none of his business if the dude is real or not. It’s a very obvious way to say you’re not available to him.