33, about to turn 34. I’ve made a 6 figure salary for the last 5 years, basically since graduating from graduate school. This is a combination of both being very lucky, and going into a lucrative field in pharma and biotech. The downside is it’s also been relatively unstable. I got laid off a couple months ago in a large scale reduction. Nothing I could have done would have prevented it. I’m actively applying and interviewing for jobs, but have yet to secure a new role. This is really starting to affect me mentally.
In the past when I was single and dating, I had these cool interesting jobs, and a really nice career. I didn’t feel like a bum. Currently…not feeling so great about myself.
Started seeing a really nice guy 6-7 weeks ago. He doesn’t care that I’m not employed. He still actively asks me about how my interviews go. He listens. He called when I got turned down after the final presentation stage on the same day with 2 companies, even though he has no idea what corporate jobs are like because he’s in healthcare, and he still tried to empathize. But I feel so worthless. In the past, I somehow entangled my worth as a partner with my financial means–in my past relationships, I paid for almost everything for them. Meals most of the time, flights, hotels, tickets to events. My ex boyfriends didn’t really comment or seem to care. Ultimately this led to resentment on my end, but I realize I probably contributed to the dynamic.
Some part of my brain told me back then, “Well I make 200k and he makes 130, so I SHOULD be paying for more.” Or “He makes 50k and I make 150k. Of course I need to pick up all the checks.” The men I dated got very use to it, and ultimately I think I saved them each a lot of money and got relatively used. When I broke up with them I felt bitter for a lot of reasons, but money among them. But I don’t know how to do it differently without feeling like I AM the user/spoiled.
The new guy–he has paid for groceries when we cook, and not said a word. It takes everything in my being to let him pay for a beer, and not try to move quicker. He doesn’t make a high salary right now, and somehow I feel guilty–like I shouldn’t want to dinner dates, we should only cook at home, Because i shouldnt be spending a bunch of money right now or I’m not worth a man spending money on. That somehow I believe I’m not worth taking on dates, bc I’m unemployed and can’t/should be paying for them. Or like someone wouldn’t want to be with me if they knew I didn’t have a job. Which on a conscious level is ridiculous but it’s really hard to let go of. I am not use to a man paying for me, and I don’t know how I got like this.
Has anyone else experienced this? How did you disentangle your feelings on making money, with still being viewed as a good partner?
Fwiw I’m an oldest child as well, currently on vacation with my family, and it’s been really hard to stop myself from paying for things for my siblings in their 20s, which I have always done before this when I was employed bc I could do it (vs my siblings who work in retail and the other who is still in college), and now suddenly i’m just their useless mid 30s sister without a job.
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I mean maybe pause on the dating while things are in limbo, honestly. At least on meeting new people.
I got laid off a few years ago and it was a weird time, first time in my life if ever happened and it was kind of hard to talk about even with friends – you aren’t able to put your best foot forward and it’s a sore subject.
In your case this is just some baggage – both with the you carrying your relationships almost entirely, and on being the financial “provider” for yourself and others.
You need to trust him to manage his own budget. In many ways it’s rude to look down your nose at someone’s contributions to your life as “outside their means”. I mean you might need to manage your budget more tightly because you’re between jobs and have no income, but that doesn’t mean you’re worthless or that this guy’s salary is inadequate to buy ingredients or take you out. You should not be assigning yourself as his personal accountant because you know his salary.
I think you really have some baggage around your self-identity, worth, and income. It’s honestly probably above reddits pay grade. It’s either cover for other ways you feel inadequate or unworthy, or not being in control of others by being financially superior to them is causing you to feel like you don’t know how you relate at all. Hopefully your own family loves you for more than what you spend on them, but that’s the question before us, isn’t it?
Funnily, I actually know a lot of people whose love life took off right after they took a big blow at work, so I really think you’re probably fine here given that you clearly have a good work history + solid prospects in the future. Look, I know this sucks – I would probably feel the same shame/worthlessness in your shoes, even though I don’t think either of us should be feeling those things. But… I dunno, maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. It’s possible you were so focused on work before there was far less time/space in your life for romance. Just don’t lose track of the job search, remember that this period of unemployment is just temporary, and enjoy all the nice things that the universe is bringing you. You’ve been generous enough times that it’s fine to be on the receiving end of somebody else’s generosity sometimes, too.
I think you should stop letting your job at any company define who you are as a person. I’m going through something similar with my partner…when we started dating I used to pay more as the higher earner – if I fancied a gig and he couldn’t afford the ticket I’d pay for his ticket and we go together. Then my career went downhill and we’re almost at a point where he’s caught up and I feel extremely poor and worthless because I hate my current job and the pay I’m at (even if by all sorts of external perspective we’re not poor). You should focus on finding a job but also on discovering what makes you interesting and great to be around from a partners perspective if you don’t want to end up with just another loser who takes advantage of your finances
Have you talked to HIM about it? Like, you’re right in some respects that you shouldn’t really be eating out and spending money on things you don’t need right now. Would it make you feel better if he was to approach this like, “hey there’s this new restaurant I really want to try and I’d love you to come with me, can I treat you to dinner” – you’ve made clear you’re happy to stay in so you won’t seem like you’re using him, he’s made clear that he’s happy to treat you and he’s making his own decisions. It would be different if you were calling saying “hey babe, I’ve had a rough week, let’s go out for drinks” and expect him to pay.
Not romantically, but I’ve had these chats with my best friends after being financially destroyed by an ex, I was paying off crazy credit card debt and didn’t have the money for fun stuff. I had to say, hey I can’t do Christmas present this year, and is it cool if some of our hangs are low/no cost. They were so supportive and sometimes did treat me to something or other but were mostly happy to go for a hike or watch a movie at home. Just communicate! If people love you, they’ll understand.
No advice just solidarity. Family and past partners judge others heavily on their ability to contribute (by having a job) and it’s taken its toll. The job market is pretty rocky in my field and hasn’t helped. Chin up and hope you find a way to work through it.
This podcast episode has some thoughts on unlinking your self worth from your capitalist output.
https://schoolofnewfeministthought.com/productivity-simone-seol/
I can’t relate to everything you’re saying, but what I can relate to is in the past making more than my partners and I used to earn more than my husband. I had a side hustle that was the same as my full-time career so mine was double. In saying that a lot of my worth and identity and confidence was tied up in what I earned. It was a big part of my ego. So when that second income Disappeared, it was a huge and steep learning curve, trying to differentiate myself from my earnings and me being confident in myself just for me being me. It really affected me and it was a process. But I’m on the other side of it now. Now I don’t have that masculine energy which I also love. The right person will love you for you. You’re more than a paycheck
I don’t know that I have any solid advice but just wanted to say that I can really relate to what you’re going through. I’m married and recently laid off – a company wide reorg and truly nothing I could do. I’m getting a generous severance package but even so I’m realizing I have REALLY tied my feeling of self worth to having a job and being a provider. I’m married and my wife hasn’t really been able to work for most of our relationship due to a number of chronic illnesses. And I’ve always been totally fine with that. I was happy to be the one with a job and the provider. I have always stressed to my wife that she is a good and equal partner because she takes point on SO MUCH of the household side of things in our life together. And I truly believe that. But now that I don’t have a job I find I am really struggling with that. I feel like a total failure, even though we’re fine with money and healthcare coverage due to my severance package. Just the fact that I’m not working full time has me spinning out way more than I would like. I recognize that I’ve got some unpacking to do now that I realize just how closely my perception of self and worth is coupled to actively working a full time, well paying job. But I want to say that I hear you, you’re not alone and I hope you’re able to realize your worth in a relationship as being separate from the pure finances of what you’re bringing into it. And I’m going to try to do the same…good luck to us both.
So when you made money you paid for everything and the guys didn’t stick around., and you question if maybe you were taken advantage of. And now you have a guy that wants to be around you and cook for you…..honey, he likes you for more than your money.
First, congrats on what youve made of yourself. You’ve done a lot and should be proud of what youve accomplished. Try not to look at this as a low. You have an open book and get to choose the next chapter and you have a supportive person who genuinely cares about something as boring and yet crucial as an interview.
I just wish you the best of luck finding something you can be proud of.
I didn’t have this exactly, but I did have a really integral growth period when I landed on my ass after years of placing all my self worth and value into proving I was a hard worker, being super career focused, busy, self-sacrificing. I had some related stuff around people-pleasing and never asking for help or leaning on my community. After a ton of therapy, I can see those roots were based in worrying that if I asked anyone for anything, I would be too much. I was worried that if I wasn’t hustling, people would consider me to be lazy or stupid. I don’t know if your stuff is like my stuff, but I think you’re being presented with an opportunity to reshape how you understand your own value, not as the labour you put in and the resources you produce, but in just being. Him showing care for you is a sign that you are enough.
It’s me. Hi 👋
Last year, I went from a $130k job in healthcare to totally unemployed, living back home with my mum at 32. It was a huge shift.
I started casually dating, mostly out of boredom. And honestly, I felt pretty silly about the whole “unemployed and living with mum” thing. But here’s what blew my mind: the dating scene looked completely different. I’d always been the higher earner in relationships, and honestly, I never realized how ungrateful my exes were until I was on the other side.
Suddenly, I had all these guys who wanted to step up, who wanted to buy me things. It was wild! Like, where were they when I was actually making good money? But, there was a catch – always. Because I’d been both the provider and the one without income, I got pretty good at figuring out who was genuinely kind and who was just trying to get some leverage.
It sounds like your new guy is one of the good ones, and I totally get that feeling of being super independent or even feeling guilty about accepting help. I felt that vulnerability, that unease about relying on someone for help and not feel like I’m doing “enough” to give back. But at the same time, it was also kind of nice to lean into being treated well, something I hadn’t really paid attention to before because I could always “fill the gaps” myself.