We have been together for over a year and things are good sometimes.
We live in a very rural community and consent isn’t dwelled upon or talked about in depth at our public high school. It’s just the simple no means no.
He doesn’t seem to understand that multiple no’s before a yes is not consent. And I’ve talked to him multiple times about it and he’s said he’ll do better but I’ve noticed no improvement.
The only improvement I’ve seen is in myself, when I hold my ground in saying no before he ultimately gives up but he acts upset.
He definitely prioritizes sex every time we hang out. He begs me to let him just “stick it in” and if I say no he’ll beg me and say please over and over until I say yes.
And when I want to do something that benefits me sexually, he’ll refuse. He definitely only cares about himself and his pleasure.
I know I should probably find someone better. But I’ve been with him for so long and have bad attachment issues and I don’t know how.
I’m in therapy and we’ve talked about everything but her advice hasn’t been helpful so far. Outside of his lack of respect for my boundaries, I am happy and we have good times when he isn’t thinking with his crotch instead of his head.
I’m just scared of the inevitable pain I’m going to feel leaving someone I know I still love, even though it will be beneficial to me.
Tldr, me and boyfriend live in rural community where consent isn’t a deeply talked about subject, he begs me to have sex with him until I say yes, but we’ve been together for so long and I have a deep attachment to him and outside of the consent issues, our relationship is good and it feels incredibly difficult to leave him.
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Unfortunately, what you’ve taught him by refusing him 20 times and then giving in on the 21st is that he has to ask 21 times before he gets sex. He’s really a garbage human being and I support you breaking up with him.
There is no easy or pain free way of breaking up with somebody. You just have to do it. It’s like ripping off a Band-Aid.
As the saying goes: “time heals all wounds”. I guarantee you in a year you’ll look back and wonder why you stayed so long with him.
There are so many men out there who will treat you so much better than he is.
Should be easy. Nothing to love about the guy you just described unless I am missing something. What part of this is normal to you?
You just leave. He doesn’t care about or respect you at all. Sexual coercion is assault. It’ll only get worse. Please leave.
Break up with him and leave him, block his number and tell him not to contact you anymore. You’re very young with your whole entire life ahead of you, and you can have a great time being single or with an appropriate partner. One day you’ll meet a partner who is good for you, and you’ll know that because you enjoy your time together. Until then, go to college and hang out with your girlfriends. This guy is so not worth your time that it’s not worth your time to read this sentence.
You’ve just got to firmly stick to your no’s. No means no. Thats it. That’s what you need to communicate to him. At the moment you are validating his behaviour. If he just pushes enough you’ll cave in. Everytime you say yes, you’re validating that pattern
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Think of the short term pain of a breakup vs. the long term pain of staying with someone who doesn’t respect you. It’s hard to imagine anything different at that age when you have limited experience, but I promise there are people who will listen to your boundaries and treat you better. Leaving him will be a tough growing pain, but you’ll come out so much stronger in the end.
Break up with him. There are real men out there who would treat you well. Break up with him and don’t go back.
Imagine staying with this guy. Having to give it up when you’re sick, or pregnant and nauseous, or have just given birth and your stitches are still in. He won’t care. He’ll see your exhaustion as an in. The less resistance, the better. You’re just a receptacle to him. Your body is a convenience for him. Your desires aren’t real.
This is a man that doesn’t see you as fully human. The implications of that are something you should think about. There’s loads of feminist content on the internet about this, and I really advise you to take a look. It’s an attitude that is held by a proportion of men, like your bf, and it requires a complete surrender of your self-respect and disassociation from your own goddam body.