Throw away account
I (F24) just got out of a 7 year long relationship with my ex (M29). I was 17 and he was 22 when we got together. Overall, that relationship was a hot mess. I was financially dependent on him, he was manipulated, blah blah blah. Up until we broke up, he was the only person I had ever slept with.
Right after we broke up I started sleeping with my best friend (F23). She is married but her husband has given her permission to sleep with woman. With us it isn’t just sex. It feels deeper than that.
About a week ago I told her that I had joined tinder and if I’m being honest it’s because I want to have sex with a man other than my ex. When I told her this, she became distant for about a day until she finally opened up to me and told me that it bothered her. She told me that she felt like she wasn’t enough for me and that I was moving on with men quick. I assured her that she is ensured her that she is enough sexually and that she had her husband so I assumed I could be with other men. She became upset and said that men are stupid and men lie and I’m going to catch an STD and give it to her and her husband. While the points she brings up are valid, I’m not a complete idiot. I wasn’t going to be sleeping around town willy-nilly.
She does satisfy me sexually as far as being sexual with a woman. But if I’m being honest, my ex was not the best at sex. He never gave me an orgasm. and size was below average.
Idk what to do. I want to sleep with men but I want to stay in a relationship with her. How do I go about talking to her? Please reddit, give me advice.
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You need to clearly identify your relationship values. What do you really want dating/relationship-wise?
From there, you clearly communicate this with her. Sounds like you want to date/sleep with various partners, including her. She is not happy with that. That means your relationship with her ends.
Your friend is being a little selfish considering you’re technically sharing her with her husband too. This is a really funky scenario I feel like crossing that line with your best friend and her current reaction is a recipe for disaster. If she can’t allow you to form your own relationships outside of this then you might have to decide whether you want to save your friendship or your sexual relationship with her.
What about the husband?
I don’t think you should make decisions for yourself, based on what your current lover would prefer you to do. Of course she’d rather be your one and only.
Your only obligation to her is to be honest, if you decide you want to expand your range of sex partners. You owe her that much consideration, especially since you say it’s more than just a sexual connection.
So: what do you most want for yourself?
It sounds like she may decide to cut you off sexually, if you decide to have sex with a man on the side. But if you don’t, you’ll continue to miss out on the M-F sex you’ve been craving. Every benefit in life comes with a corresponding cost, so I think you’ll just have to figure out what’s most important to you, at this young stage in your life – the only life you’re ever going to get. I wish you well.
Your friend is being a hypocrite.
She has you, and her husband
But you wanting a male partner means “she’s not enough for you”
She is totally selfish, just look at her dynamics with her husband, I believe he accepted it so as not to lose her and even so she wants to use the same dynamics on you, you can only do it with her and nothing else using guilt and sex as a currency of control, use apps, have sex with as many men and women as you want. You are single and free to be whoever you want.
It’s wild that you would describe your relationship as a hot mess but somehow not realize this is… worse? The same? Bad?
You recognize that your ex was manipulative but seem to have no idea that your “best friend” is doing the same shit with guilt and gaslighting when you are, factually her side piece.
You’re not “in a relationship”, she’s married, but she still wants some one-sided exclusivity and you’re asking how to tell her?
I don’t think that lady is your friend. I don’t think she gives a rat’s ass about what’s good for you.
I’d also not date anyone for a while. You gotta work on that self-respect thing first.
It’s insanely hypocritical for her to complain about feeling like she’s not enough for you when she is MARRIED. I say this as a polyamorous person myself: if she cannot handle the people she is sleeping with seeing other people, she shouldn’t be doing any type of non monogamy. She is not allowed to expect exclusivity from you if you can’t have the same from her. It’s normal to have some jealous feelings, but it’s 100% on her to work through them, not on you to avoid doing the things that are upsetting her when it’s just you living your life.
I’ve got to point out that if she’s in an open relationship with only the permission to have sex with other women: you’re either not in a relationship you’re just sleeping together, or she’s cheating on her husband. She has an agreement that she can have sex with women, if your emotional connection goes beyond that- it’s cheating. Even in non monogamous relationships, cheating can still happen if someone breaks agreed upon boundaries.
I strongly suggest you demonstrate good boundaries since she isn’t, and stop sleeping with her. She does not have the correct mindset to be doing non monogamy in a healthy way. Maybe you’re friendship can be salvaged but continuing to sleep with her is a baaaaaad idea.
Your friend is being an asshat. You’re her side piece but she’s supposed to be your only piece? I’d bet her and her husband were hoping you’d be their toy together at some point. It’s not up to her what you do.
What a soap opera