How do you deal with your partner verbally lashing out at you and calling you names like “stupid” or “dumb”?
Backstory to preface; partner needed to be taken to the hospital for an emergency. This is where I may in fact be “stupid”; I’ve driven past this hospital/ER many times before… but given the circumstances (anxiety, panic, thinking about his safety, etc.) my mind kind of blanked/went blurry and I had asked “what’s the best way to the hospital?”. He flipped out on me. I get it. He is in pain, I should be able to figure it out myself/be reliable (his words). But I just subconsciously wanted reassurance knowing I wasnt going to fuck up LOL. But asking that question was indeed a fuck up in his book. I tried explaining this to him after his treatment, but he tells me that whatever reason I have for asking my dumb question is a cop out or an excuse. I genuinely understand that I fucked up by not just driving when he was in pain. But shit… Do I just take the L on this one?
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If you’ve told them their actions and words hurt you and they continue to do them, you can’t change their mind and it won’t get easier to endure. Protecting yourself might mean removing yourself from the situation.
Read what the Gottmans say about “contempt.” What he’s doing is contempt, and contempt is verbal abuse. He (John Gottman) calls it the sulfuric acid of love and the #1 predictor of divorce according to his decades’ of marital outcomes research. Either your partner ceases and desists with the verbal abuse stuff or he’s out. This is not the sort of thing you have soft understanding boundaries around. The boundary with this needs to be cut and dry. He does it again and your relationship is over. Tell him that.
You are supposed to be the most important person in his life. Expect him to treat you that way.
Your fear in that moment was completely valid. A real partner comforts, even in pain they don’t weaponize their hurt to wound you. You deserved patience, not punishment.
I would tell him if he does it again (or similar), then I’m done with the relationship
Was this incident an outlier or indicative of how he treats you in general? Your title indicates a plural. One might forgive it one time….
I wouldn’t deal with a partner calling me stupid. I’d dump them.
You are excusing him FAR too much. You’re entitled to not know where everything is, you’re not Google Maps. Please know there is NEVER an excuse for him to insult you. None of his behaviour is ok or acceptable. Was he grateful for you driving him to the hospital? Please grow some self respect and stop blaming yourself.
i doubt he would walk up to a stranger and call them names, right? so he respects the feelings of a stranger more than yours. he has something in his head that says “it is not appropriate to call strangers names,” but in his head he has something that tells him it’s okay to call you names.
pain aside, it’s about the permission he gives himself to treat you poorly.
Kick them out.
Just because he’s in pain doesn’t make verbal abuse excusable
My 30th wedding anniversary is in 4 weeks. Neither of us have ever called the other any sort of derogatory name and we’ve had some legendary arguments including that time I went out the front in the middle of things and he followed me, still arguing but having completely forgotten he was naked, lol. Still no name calling.
Name calling is a deal breaker in my book. We’ve even taught our kids that if you’re in an argument or debate and you name call, you have lost because that shows you have nothing valid to say.
You’re gaslighting yourself and convincing yourself it’s YOUR fault he verbally abused you. It’s not normal to call your partner names. Ever. My husband has never once called me a name in the 5 yrs we’ve been together.
He’s an ass. I was married to a guy like this and this was how the abuse started.
How do you deal with his verbal abuse?
You leave. Don’t date people who abuse you in any way. Yelling and insults are abuse.
What do you do? You walk away and find someone who loves you and treats you well.
Do not have babies with this man – they will learn to treat you (& women) the way he does. Please don’t let him procreate.
People don’t get to insult me or call me names and stay in my life.