I feel like a failure and a dumbass even though eveyobe calls me smart I have a 3.7 gpa and I am graduating with honars. Most of the teachers I have said I was bright and am going to have a bright future. When I was young my dad would always call me dumb and said I was gonna go to jail and that the only thing I knew is how to speak english good. I was struggling kid in elementary school with adhd (I didn’t know I had at the time) and I thought I did bad because I was dumb and my parents didn’t belive in adhd.I worked my butt off to be a good student in high school. When I passed my drivers road exam my dad yelled at me infornt of eveyone and said I should have failed and they passed me top be nice and I’m too dumb to drive. When I got the email that I was gonna be an honor grade my mom said congratulations. But after that she would randomly start complaining about how kids who graduated high school are dumb and even those with honars and that they made school too easy and she said the same thing about the drivers exam. My parents said that they don’t wanna go to my high school graduation and said it’s not important and it made me think it doesn’t matter. They also blame for having crmo which is bone infection which I can’t control and when I was little I couldn’t sleep because of the pain and would cry all night and they would get mad at me for that and would say I ruin thier lives. And also they don’t want me to move put or drive for college and just wanna drop and pick me up everyday from college. I feel too dumb and unprepared for college. The only thing I learn from my dad is slave in school arranged marrige and follow the same faith as them. My mom says the same thing. I think I learn more life lessons from listening to J Cole and Kendrick Lamar then them
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Your parents are abusive. I’ve been unpacking things with my bestie, who had a narcissistic mother, and her mom did so many of these things. The thing is, my bestie is smart, accomplished, funny, and caring. Her mom held all of her mistakes over her head, told her she wasn’t good enough, and that nobody would ever want her.
I say this with all of the best intentions for you: You will never win your parents’ approval through your accomplishments. This is not because you’re not truly special and amazing – you are! It’s because your parents are broken people. They are not capable of the kind of love and validation you’re looking for. Additionally, a lot of this is about control – if they tell you you’re not special, you won’t go off into the world and do special things. That’s selfish and not ok.
I wish I’d known this earlier about some of the people in my life. I felt like I wasn’t that special my whole life, but then after decades of work and reflection I realized it wasn’t ME, it was THEM. I’m actually a delight.
Here’s the bright side: If your parents don’t go to your graduation, they can’t disappoint you with their reactions to the ceremony. If I’ve got them judged correctly, they will probably be critical of a million things (the ceremony was too long, the principal gave a bad speech), they will focus on their own comfort (the seats were uncomfortable, the air conditioning wasn’t on), and downplay your accomplishment (it’s not a big deal because they graduate everyone these days).
And honestly? I feel like they’re holding this over your head. They want you to beg them to go. And that’s really cruel, IMO. Withholding love and approval from your child so that you can feel MORE important to them when they have to beg for it…not ok. I have a 14 y/o and I NEVER want her to feel like she’s less than 100% loved by me.
Do you have a friend that will adopt you for the day? Go out to dinner with their parents? Or save up a little and get yourself a nice meal to celebrate? This internet stranger wants you to know that your accomplishment means something. Keep at it, you will be a success and you will be able to find people in your life that actually support you.
My therapist told me to meditate for a few minutes every day about things I’m proud of that I accomplished. So I added a daily task reminder to my calendar. It’s helped a lot.
My other recommendation is to move out as soon as possible.
Assuming you’re in the USA:
Put your ID papers in a safe place, or store the information needed to replace them.
Get a bank account at a different bank than your parents.
Check your credit records to make sure no one has used your information to get money for themselves. r/debt has information on that.
Apply to colleges far enough away that you have to move there.
Talk with a counselor to get the help you need to recover.
If you’re under 18 years old, you might also benefit from discussing your situation with CPS.
I was born with a disability and struggled a lot in school early on but then ended up at the top of my class later in life. Your parents being very discouraging is wrong of them.
Life is hard, however it’s actually okay to fail at times.
You might be surprised but success actually comes from failing. I’m not lying.
Look at every successful person ever. Disney, he failed multiple times. J. K. Rowling, failed many times (got married to the wrong person and divorced, was homeless for a time, wrote Harry Potter while homeless and sent it to many publishers but they all rejected it except one), etc.
I suggest you talk to people you consider successful (maybe a teacher, aunt, uncle, grandparent, etc.) and I guarantee that you’ll find out they had lots of setbacks in life.
Failure is basically just one attempt and it’s supposed to be where you use that information to learn and grow. To prepare for the next attempt.
One of the keys in life is that you learn and try again with a better method. And you keep doing that all life long.
But, on the other side of your struggle, well, I personally do believe in God and so I do think that you are loved.
However, you are always valuable no matter what. One reason why is because you will affect others you meet—even if you don’t think so.
There’ll be other people who relate to you.
If you haven’t seen it I recommend watching the song called “Through Heavens Eyes” which is from the movie “Prince of Egypt.” I think it covers exactly a bit of what you’re feeling.
One of my favorite series which is old now is the anime Naruto. In that it has a phrase I like and stuck with me and that’s, “I see myself as a proud failure.” Which in the context of the show means that he sees that each time he failed it was a stepping stone to his eventual success.