I know I’m still young and I have time, but it’s eating at me a bit. I’m kinda a late bloomer when it comes to puberty, and it only really started for me maybe a year ago (I’m 16). Since then I’ve started finding men attractive, like VERY attractive. The feeling makes me uncomfortable but I know there’s nothing wrong with being gay. Idk how I stand on women. I kinda stare at guys a lot, and I try to be discreet but it’s kinda hard, like yk, HARD. I try to never look in the locker room but I sadly lack discipline and I do look at times. Stupid decision, ik, cause it’s yk obvious when I’m aroused. But it’s just so tempting, like damn they’re all around me. It feels like two years ago I didn’t care at all, and now suddenly everything is developing in ways that I didn’t expect and don’t want. Well ofc I expected some stuff, but damn not a lot of it. It just all feels weird and intense.
There’s also these guys who make fun of me. They call me gay and weak. One of them is really an asshole, I hate him. He makes fun of me any chance he gets. He makes fun of me in the locker room. He made fun of me while we were in the showers. He takes any opportunity to comment on any flaw or weakness I have. I’m so much more insecure because of him. Is there some way to make people like that stop?
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First thing to remember is that people who troll/bully others are doing it because it gets a reaction.
Don’t react to it if you can help it.
There is literally always a person that will make fun of you for something no matter how “normal” you are. Successful people, homeless people, extremely attractive people, famous actors- literally everyone gets bullied or trolled at one point or another.
What I’m trying to say is you shouldn’t let that prevent you from expressing yourself or being who you are. You’ll be much happier in life if you embrace yourself and no matter how much you try to fit in, someone will still bully you- so just be yourself.
You still have time to figure out your sexuality, you don’t have to decide now or one way or the other.
I’m not sure how much of the bullying is body shaming or simply a result of completely normal body functions and reactions, so I can’t comment specifically on what you may be experiencing in that regard.
But my generic recommendation is that it just doesn’t matter. There is literally nothing you’re doing or that your body does on its own that is abnormal, especially at your age.
People want to fit in, it’s normal, so I just want to make sure you know that you have nothing to prove to them. You are as normal as anyone else there- even if it doesn’t seem that way.
I don’t have any reasons to believe you’re struggling in this way, but I just want to make sure you’re aware people care about you and if you need help with what is happening, you can reach out to your parent/guardian or a trusted adult, like law enforcement or counselor if what is happening falls outside of what you can handle on your own. Don’t do anything permanent- because I promise it’s just a temporary thing.
There is nothing embarrassing with being honest about what is happening and asking for help- it might seem embarrassing, but I promise you these trusted adults take the issue seriously and are not going to judge you for what is happening.
Good luck
Unfortunately, most of the ways to make people like that Stop will get you in trouble, which frankly he should already be in. insulting their own weaknesses back, beating the crap out of them, recording your interactions and showing it to a staff member, that kind of thing. the important thing to remember is this: nothing he says means anything, because he is only saying it to make you insecure. that is his entire goal. he doesn’t actually care about any of that stuff, he’s only saying it because he knows it bothers you. so your best retaliation that won’t potentially get you in trouble is to be overly positive about it. bullies usually don’t know what to do with “thanks man, you’re always helping me find where i can improve myself, i really appreciate it” or utter ignorance to the idea that you’re meant to feel bad about it. playing dumb can make you a really boring target if you keep at it. they will initially try harder, because it’s not the expected outcome, but that’s where emotional discipline becomes your thing to practice.
as for the sexuality stuff, it can help to remember your physical state. you’re having a rush of hormones, and you’re at an age where sometimes the part of your brain that controls impulses is legitimately smaller than the part that creates them; it’s normal to be having trouble with it. a lot of people use mental tricks, like making themselves think about something else in those situations. the important thing is to remind yourself that it’s okay, and to work on accepting your emotions about it without shame. and to not get too frustrated with yourself if you’re not getting it right away! also, remember that you don’t need to label yourself if you’re not sure. labels exist for our benefit, not as something to force ourselves into.
it’s okay to feel weird and uncomfortable with new feelings you don’t have much control over. for now, focus on accepting the change; you Do feel this way now, and you’re gonna keep feeling it, and it’ll get less intense over time, but right now it’s very strong because it’s new. comparing it to your lack of it in the past is unnecessary, and a bit mean to yourself. over time you will figure out what works for you personally when it comes to controlling your actions and figuring out when is time to give those feelings attention and when is time to put them aside. personally, i just kinda let my brain run wild with it when i didn’t need to focus on sometimes else or avoid it; by giving yourself an allotted Time to engage the feelings, you keep yourself from feeling too pent up, because you can tell yourself “not until 9” instead of “not ever”. this works for other emotions too, by the way!
i wish you luck on your journey 👍
I’m going to be echoing a lot of what Ok-Business said:
“Weird and intense” is the name of the game at this age, and it is not your fault. When people talk about “teenage hormones” and all that, this is what they’re referring to – this is a time when your body is flooded with chemicals that cause mood swings and really intense feelings, and that’s totally normal.
The other defining aspect of this age is experimentation! Not just with sexuality, but with everything in life – I wish someone told me at that age just how much of how we learn to be “adults” is really just trial-and-error. It’s the same with your personal fashion sense as your hobbies and interests as your career aspirations as your sexuality. You’re going to sound like a lot of other people and you’re going to try on a lot of different hats before you figure out what is distinctly YOU.
So don’t feel any pressure for anything to be permanent! Hell, that applies well past your teenage years too. There will never be an exam on your sexuality, you will never be handed a license where you have to finally decide one way or the other. If someone asks, it’s more than okay to say “I’m figuring it out!” and if they decide to assume they know already, then that’s on them. Can you imagine if someone offered you a food you never tried before, and you told them “I’ve never tried it, let me try a piece before I decide if I like it,” and they told you “Well actually I’m sure it’s going to be your favorite.” Like yeah, sometimes the assumptions might come from a well-meaning or even vaguely informed place – that doesn’t make them true.
Finally, re:the bully – There will always be assholes in the world. You have a bully at a school that you can’t drop out of, you’ll have classmates in a college class you can’t afford to skip, you’ll have coworkers at a job you can’t afford to just quit. One way to mitigate the damage they do to you is to ask yourself – do you even like them..? Would their opinions hold value to you? If they recommended you a game, a movie, a TV show, would you want to watch it, given what you’ve seen of them? Do you think your friends and loved ones would like them? Would you be proud to be known as their friend?
The point being, they might be an asshole, but the people who matter see it too. The people who are good for you will see it too. It’s tough when you’re stuck in school and in one place, because you’re limited to, what, 4,000 people? Less? For an entire 4 years? As you step into adulthood, you suddenly have 1.4 BILLION people to interact with. You can end up in a city with millions of new people to make friends with. I promise you, it becomes a lot easier to just not be near the people you don’t particularly want to be near, and as long as you hold your own standards, you WILL be able to find the people that not just accept you but LOVE you for who you are. Focus on attracting those people rather than changing the minds of people who will, at best, just accept you.
>Is there some way to make people like that stop?
As long as it’s just verbal, try your best to ignore it. I know it’s hard, I’ve also been bullied when I was a kid, I also grew up being insecure about things but really the best thing you can do is to ignore them. What you could potentially do is to download a recording app on your phone and record him saying mean things to you. Who knows, it could become handy.
>How do I figure out my sexuality and get comfortable with it?
Give it time. I mean it. There is nothing wrong with being “a late bloomer”, and there is nothing wrong about being confused. I will give you a practical example. One of my friends was hetero when I met him (we were both over 18 at the time). Several years goes by and he notices that he is bisexual leaning towards men. Around 2 years later he tells me he is fully gay and has a boyfriend (husband now actually). Figuring out your sexuality is not a speedrun, it’s important to try things and learn from them.
I’ll start on you first point: it’s normal to feel submerged by the feelings you have. Puberty is a big change, and you are not used to dealing with those signal your body is sending you. Try not to look, whichever gender you are, it’s not nice to ogle. But it’s normal to feel weird. I am sure you can find ressources for young gay people – keeping in mind that you might be gay and you might not be ! But in any case, those ressources will help you.
Regarding bullies, it takes a long time to lean how to deal with them. The first step is, you have to remember that your value is in no way defined by them. Their mind is sickened by ideals of masculinity that doesn’t really exist. The first step is to go Nelson Mandela on them, remebering that YOU are the captain of your soul. After that, it’s only about playing the social game, and even adults struggle with it. When I was your age (actually a bit older), the youtube channel Charisma on Command helped me quite a lot. Depending on where you live, you can absolutely talk about it with a parent or a school administrator. If you do so, stand by your choice, as it is a good choice: you are using one of the weapons at your disposal to fight back. “Snitches”, “cowards”, are insults designed by the oppressors and hold no values.
If you can see a therapist, it will help you process what happened and regrow after it. If not, there are some hotlines for young people, by phone or by chat, and it’s normal to use them. They are here for you, and they chose to give you and others this opportunity. Don’t be afraid to use it.
I wish you luck. High school is insanely hard, but in the end, it’s a side of life we grows out of, and it gets better after.
For the last paragraph, maybe ask your parents to enroll you into Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and try to get to the point where you can do 50 pushups in a row and 15 burpees a day.
You don’t have to figure out your sexuality, being a teenager can be a confusing time. For your bully, I would tell the coach that a guy is bothering you while you’re showering and it’s weirding you out. If that doesn’t help, then start a written paper trail. For bullies, if you stick up for yourself, they usually go after someone else.
I just have to say this: if you were a girl, people would try to tell you that this bully “likes you.” (As the mother of two females and grandmother to another, I taught mine that this kind of bullshit is how so many women are conditioned to accept meanness and disrespect in relationships).
Sexuality is a huge thing for all of us. However you navigate your personal path is solely your responsibility. Please opt for radical consent for yourself and any partner you have and be responsible. You’ll be fine if you take that advice to heart, no matter what.
As for your bully: DO NOT ACCEPT THAT DISRESPECT FROM ANYONE EVER. I don’t know the particular details, but there are lots of ways to shut down a bully. Find the one that will work for you. (Embarrass him, completely ignore him, ask a teacher to meditate a conversation, snipe back…lots of ways. My nephew got rid of a bully by giving him a disparaging nickname that caught on at school…my granddaughter took one down by constantly saying how brilliant the guy was, loudly and sarcastically. And one of my daughters hit a boy and took her punishment with a smile). The most important thing is that you don’t allow his comments to you about whatever “flaws” he says you have to be any kind of truth.
Remember that every single person has insecurities. Each of us also have gifts, talents, interests and the ability to grow.
If you need or want to talk to someone, check out The Trevor Project
http://www.thetrevorproject.org
Best wishes to you! You write well so I can tell you’re smart. Be good to yourself and don’t let anyone tell you who you are!
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For sexuality, I think in the future labels are going to become few and far between. Right now since we are fighting for equal rights in that department and starting to accept it more in society, labels feel much more validating and important. With this in mind know that you can learn more about yourself and how you identify can change. It’s all a spectrum. I used to identify as bisexual, then as I learned more about gender and sexuality I thought I was pansexual. Now I identify myself as polysexual because while I’m attracted to any gender identity, I do tend to be attracted to masculine feeling people more often than feminine (though I am attracted to feminine people as well).
You’re getting a lot of great advice from other people regarding the bullying, so I’ll only share my personal experience with it (though I’m not sure I recommend handling it the way I did). When I was a kid, my father told me “If anyone is ever picking on you, you tell them, ‘this time, this place we’re going to fight.’ Then you’ll see most bullies are cowards. They won’t show up and they’ll leave you alone, because you’re more trouble than you’re worth.” He did also teach me how to punch so that if I did get in to a fight, I had a chance since I was a pretty small kid. Honestly, the being more trouble than you’re worth, has been his advice for most things. Like if I’m ever by myself in public and I don’t want to become a target, try to look confident and tough.
I hope you are able to resolve the issues at school, and that you’re able to be patient and kind to yourself as you learn more about yourself.
I’m trying to think of what I’d tell my 16 year old self when faced with a bully, because I was bullied and I didn’t have anybody to turn to. What worked for me somewhat was I stopped reacting. That’s what they’re after. The reaction. If you just be as boring as possible eventually they’ll find someone else to bully that gives them a better reaction. Either that or learn how to defend yourself. Learn how to actually throw a punch with some power behind it and then hit him when he least expects it. Like that scene in back to the future where Marty’s dad knocks Biff out. There are all kinds of tips and resources on YouTube on how to do that. I really recommend the first option first, but if it comes down to it and you’re about to be hurt, you should know how to fight back.. as a victim of bullying I wish I knew then what I know now.