Hey guys. Recently I did somethibg to my girlfriend which I am ashamed of (nothing like cheating, etc.) and which also brought up past traumas of hers. In the moment I did not even realize what I said however after she told me it hit me like a truck. We have talked about it afterwards and I apologized profusely which she forgave me. She has since said she is okay and it’s not a bother to her at all however I feel like what I did is eating me alive. It sounds dumb and I feel like it’s wrong for me to feel horrible about it or that I don’t even have the right to feel like that in the first place. I overthink lots and since then it has only gotten worse and I can tell it’s causing strain. I don’t even realize I’m doing it most the times and it’s not fair to my girlfriend. I need advice on if how I’m feeling is normal or acceptable and how I can forgive myself when that’s what my gf keeps urging. And how to better manage overthinking.
How do I forgive myself
r/Advice
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Whatever it is that you did, was obviously a mistake, and wasn’t aware of any traumas in the past that were tied to those actions.
She forgave you. that’s a win.
Now, the biggest part, is to forgive yourself. until you do, you’ll always feel like she didn’t really forgive you…. and that, you’ll be pushing something on to her, that doesn’t exist…. which in turn, might start messing up your relationship.
So, do the hardest thing possible: Forgive yourself… only then will you move on..
forgiving yourself means accepting that what you did was wrong, then making a genuine effort to do better going forward. have some compassion for yourself along the way. you mentioned not always realizing when you’re doing it, so try to be more mindful in those moments. as long as you’re not doing anything abusive i think things will be okay. it might also be easier for others to support you if you open up about what your mistakes were, but that’s your choice.
The most important part of this is realizing that you are not the source of her trauma. Once you truly accept that, you can forgive yourself for triggering it.
My husband has triggered traumas and PTSD responses from me in the past. He could see the PTSD responses immediately and was always amazing at simply being there. Over time, I’ve felt completely safe and at ease with him. We’ve been married for twelve years, and I haven’t had a trigger in likely ten.
As for traumas, they’ll come up every so often for both of us. We both know the other person isn’t responsible for those traumas. As long as we’re open about what is a pressure point, we can avoid those things in the future. Some things that used to be buttons are no longer problems.
Don’t worry. You’re doing it right. Don’t keep beating yourself up over it. Just don’t use that trigger again now that you’re aware of it.
it’s totally normal to feel this way. Even if she’s forgiven you, your mind can keep replaying it. The fact that you care shows you’re a good person.
Try to focus on what you’re doing now to be better, not on the mistake. When overthinking starts, gently shift your attention to something positive.
It’s okay to feel this, just don’t let it control you.
It kinda depends on what it is you said to her you know.? Sticks and stones may break her bones, but your words could cut her forever 🙁 be mindful of your tongue my friend. It’s easy to let it fly without thinking but words literally scar us for eternity.
I’ve been here before. My wife had a SA instance in her teen years and one night I started to initiate intimacy with her not realizing she was as asleep as she was. She had woken in the middle of it but didn’t say anything because she was in shock. HOLY CRAP I felt SO BAD. She said things like “I don’t know how we come back from this” and I just couldn’t even live with myself. I’d be lying if I didn’t mention intrusive thoughts during this time. It was bad. I felt like an abuser to the one person I loved the most in this world and it tore me apart. I took a LONG walk in the middle of the night, it was cold and I purposefully didn’t wear a coat so I could just feel the pain. It was also not a great neighborhood and I felt so much like shit that I told myself if someone did a drive by or something on me then it was just whatever at that point. Rough.
So, all that to say that you will need to forgive yourself before you can move on. But if it helps you feel any better just remember that you cannot ever FORGET this moment. Tell yourself that “Never forget this” so you can make yourself a better person from this. That’s what your girlfriend is hoping for too and she obviously loves you because she has put her faith in you becoming better than that too.
What did you say?