My parents are kind of stereotypical brown parents. I’m 19 F living at home. And, I’m not moving out anytime soon. They are super against that and quite frankly no one in my family has ever moved out. I don’t think I will move out unless I get a full time job in another state after graduating college.
The thing is, my dad and my mom work at uber and warehouse respectively. And, they are kind of looking forward for me to help them out with bills, which I will but obviously I’m a full-time college student at a cc. So, I can’t cover all their bills completely but I will start by paying the water bills etc.
I’m working on getting a job to help them out, pay for tuition, for gas, and to save up for my surgery. I want to get a chin reduction (I have deep labiomental fold) and I found a doctor in NJ who specializes in it and quoted me 4.5k including local anesthesia. And, additional cost for general anesthesia.
I’m in texas so it costs me extra for plane ticket and hotel stay and food stay and uber if I do go.
But, I don’t know how to disclose it to them. I think my mom will ask me to help pay her credit card bills with the money I saved. And they will see it as unnecessary. But, this insecurity is eating me alive. I’m a poc so I have this weird hyperpigmentation around my mouth and my chin too. So, surgery is the only way imo.
I told my mom subtly when I was with my cousin. But, they both brushed it off. I did tell her that I will save up though. So, Idk what it is going to be like when I actually schedule it. I don’t even want to think about how my dad is going to take it.
And if I wait until I move out, my remaining confidence will vanish. And I won’t be able to enjoy college or daily life like I’m supposed to.
Any advice? Has someone been in a situation like this?
How do I get plastic surgery discreetly?
r/Advice
Comments
You don’t need permission to reclaim your confidence sometimes survival means secrecy. If your family won’t protect your peace you protect it yourself quietly with strategy and grit.
Honestly, you wont be having the money any time soon and by the time it takes to get the money, you might not even feel its worth wasting it on something superficial like that. Get the money first and then come back here to ask about it.
My only advice here is please have at LEAST three different consultations with at least three different board certified plastic surgeons. And see a board certified dermatologist about the discoloration even before that.
The chances a chin reduction a) goes well and b) fixes everything that bothers you, are not 100%.
And you can’t undo it.
Proceed slowly.
Too painful to read with no paragraphs.
Your family is barely scraping by financially if they are working uber and in a warehouse. I do not know how you will save $5k for plastic surgery and there is no way to keep that secret. You cannot get general anesthesia without someone to take you home from the procedure. Do you have any decent health insurance? If so, start with seeing a dermatologist who is knowledgeable about the skin conditions of people with your ethnicity. I wonder whether you’d feel better about your looks if you could get the hyperpigmentation treated?
Have someone available to help care for you after surgery (this will likely be a friend) but go for it otherwise. A high school acquaintance had the most intense underbite I’d ever seen in my life and having her lower jaw shortened 2” by a plastic surgeon was life changing for her.
You’re 19? And trying to save up to pay your parents water bill? What is going on here
If you’re living at home and taking advantage of their hospitality, then you should follow their rules.
Even if you got the surgery discreetly, your chin will be noticed. How do you explain that to them? If they’re so against it, do you believe that a “oops sorry it’s done” is going to be okay (legitimate question because I don’t know)?
Get free. You don’t owe your parents your salary. Get that degree and move out. Join the military if you need to.
Don’t tell anyone you have money honey
Figure out your life and finances first, and dont hide.
If you’re gonna do something wrong then do it right. What, do you think you’re gonna get this surgery and then just avoid the conflict forever? Tell people what you’re gonna do and then do it, don’t wander around the bush about it. It’s better to fuck up with confidence then act like a coward.
And I should know. I’m a massive people pleasing coward. Do shit confidently, it’s way better.
Let’s realign priorities. You will get your surgery but let’s adjust timing.
Totally get where you’re coming from. You’re an adult, and if this surgery is important for your mental health, you have every right to go through with it especially since you’re paying for it yourself. Start saving quietly, maybe contribute a small visible expense at home to ease tension. When the time comes, you don’t need to over-explain just say you’re taking a short personal trip. You’re not being selfish for taking care of yourself. Just be smart, plan well, and protect your peace.
Theyre going to be so mad when they find out you spent $5k on plastic surgery. Literally just wait until youre older.
Sorry, but when you live with family and can’t afford to pay bills properly spending $5k on an expensive and unnecessary surgery should be out of the question… you are young, learn to love yourself 🤗💗
I wouldn’t expect my kids to pay my bills. If they fell on are times & needed to move back in I”d prolly have them give me a monthly fee only to save it for them when they move out. If you are an adult & can save a surgery that will have a huge impact on you then I would do it. BUT you need to make sure you have a second opinion & making sure you’re going to a good Dr. anyone can get a deal if the Dr isn’t that great. You’ll also need someone to drive you from the hospital so take that into consideration.
My advice is to have all the money saved up, the appt booked, really all your plans. Then tell them. If they get mad they will get mad. List all the pros and cons by having it and not having it. Is this something that if they for whatever reason kicked you out of the house over would you be ok with that? Make sure you tell them how much it means to you etc. parents shouldn’t have kids or force them to live with them past adulthood just to help them cover the bills. I know some cultures it’s the norm for daughters to live there until they are married. I wish you luck & keep us updated!
You can’t go alone. You’re going to need someone to leave the hospital with you, and it will be several days before you can fly. Realistically, you’re looking at $10k rather than $5k. You’re going to school, working only part-time, and helping with household expenses. It’s going to take a really long time to save up that much money, and whatever dynamic you have at home now will no longer be applicable when the time comes,
When you do make the trip, pretend you’re going on vacation. If you think they’re going to take your money, do t tell them about it.
Also – make sure you have your own bank account & not one you opened with one of your parents.
Leave your family. Carve out your own place in this world. Good luck to you.
I think you need to focus on getting through college, and getting that out of state job and moving out before considering plastic surgery. Your parents have no business expecting you to support them, and especially not paying their credit card bills! I see no problem with contributing to the household, (you should) but you don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm!
Them “looking forward to you helping out with bills” means they’ll do whatever they can to keep you from moving out. If they are not good with credit, you need to make sure yours is locked down tight.
Furthermore, there’s no reason why you need to let your parents know how much money you have saved at any given time. You need to pay the water bill and whatever other bills you want to/can, and aside from that, let them think you’re just skating by. If they have access to your bank account in any way, it’s time to open a new one that only you can access, preferably at a different bank.
Like I said…focus on getting yourself out of there. Then you’ll have a real income to save up for your procedure and you can send some money home from time to time to help out your family.
You shouldn’t be under the pressure to pay your parent’s bills. I’d look at moving out before any cosmetic surgery.
Staying after 18-19 is just wild.
I think you’re greatly overestimating how much money you are going to make and be able to do all that.
I think you need to give yourself a two by four moment. What does that mean? Clock yourself upside the head with a two by four. Um….I think your family is doing what they need to do. The only reason I would think you’re electing to do something like this is due to pure pressure. I mean beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If someone is encouraging you to do this…you need a new significant other or friends!! I mean…wow. look what all your family does for you and you kind of want to smear them in mud!? Ouch. It just seems your going backwards here. Not forwards. I guess happy hunting whatever you choose. We’re just the internet/social media. But remember some of us have kids as well. Take it for whats it’s worth. Just my two cents worth as a parent.
could you get filler instead? seems cheaper, less invasive, and maybe more discreet.
Wait till you’re older…you’re still a teenager and your body is not done changing…you might not even want surgery once you fully grow into an adult and really think shit out
Your labiomental fold is a reflection of a muscle attachment. Shaving your chin down won’t make that better, friend, whatever the surgeon says.
Also at 19 your face is still maturing. You should wait until 25 at least before doing anything to your chin.
Whenever you get a job tell them you’re making less money than you actually are.
You won’t be able to afford it so I think it’s a moot point.
Do not tell ANYONE how much money you have EVER, especially people who have the power to guilt you into sharing (your family).
First, please wait to get any cosmetic procedures such as this until you are about 21 because your body may still be growing and changing.
Second, get multiple opinions, quotes, and do lots of research before you have the procedure done as you don’t want to spend the money and end up worse off.
Lastly, it isn’t any of your family’s business what you decide to do with your money as long as you are paying your portion of the bills. A lot of people are telling you not to do it, but they don’t live your life and they don’t have your face or your internal dialogue, so if you really want it, DO IT. Just be smart about it and know that your family will find out. There is not a discreet way to come home with a puffy, operated-on face (that puffiness takes longer than a few weeks to go down). Plus, you’re looking for a change that probably isn’t that subtle. If it is subtlety you’re looking for, then you would probably want to look into other options outside of surgery.
Additionally, I don’t work as a plastic surgeon, but I am a skin specialist and work in the industry alongside doctors. Message me with any questions you may have as I won’t be judgmental about any questions/concerns you may have:)
We’d need to see pics to know if this is a legit problem and not a hypersensitivity. Some people blow their imperfections way out of proportion.
If it is a legitimate life-altering issue, your parents should be at least sympathetic if not fully supportive.
Definitely tell them you’re serious about it and you want to go through with it. Don’t try to sneak off or hide it from them.
Are you hoping they don’t notice? Because they’re your parents and they will. I’m sorry.
You may never find it easy to leave home. Once you start helping with the bills (which is reasonable if you live at home), they will rely on your contributions from the point on. They need to be moving on or up to better jobs towards the day you do leave.
Your family is barely getting by, and they are still supporting you as an adult.
I know you are young, and I’m sure this seems like a high priority to you, but it really isn’t.
It would be incredibly irresponsible to spend that amount of money on cosmetic surgery in your current situation.
Your plastic surgeon won’t tell you this, but surgery probably won’t completely resolve your self esteem issues. You are better off getting help with that first.
I can only imagine your extreme emotional discomfort with your appearance and the desire to change it.
But, this is your face we are talking about. You don’t want the cheapest surgeon, you want the right one. The cost here is much more than you expect, if you do it right by vetting multiple surgeons. Make sure you pick the RIGHT surgeon, not the cheapest.
And you need a safety net if things go wrong. I had plastic surgery by one of the best in the nation, but I wound up with tissue necrosis. Caring for that meant much more in costs.
Saving money, not just for the obvious costs but the unforeseen, is always a good idea. Finding the right surgeon for your face (experienced with your skin tone, type, and condition) is critical, don’t skimp.
I think you have several years before you can do this right, and it is not something I personally would skimp on.
I don’t know what the condition you named is, but I’d say if it’s strictly cosmetic. It can wait. Not that you owe every cent of your money to your parents or anything but if they are struggling, it would be good to help them.
What are “stereotypical brown parents?”
There are many AMAZING plastic surgeons in TX. Don’t go to NJ. I don’t think you should hide it from your parents, but it’d be easier if you stayed more local (ish).
PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS ALONE!!
I was almost 300lb as a child bc of abusive parents. I left home and dropped weight. Got fit. Wanted the skin removed.
With all that said. SURGERY is exceptionally hard on the body.
Let alone facial surgery. You will be swollen. In immense pain bc it’s right on your face. Just like tooth pain can be intense. Facial surgeries are so hard.
Too many things can happen. Infections…. YOU WANT YOUR FACE TO FALL OFF?
Go watch the show Botched… and then report back later. Bad surgery, especially on your face, can leave you completely disfigured and disabled!!!
This isn’t a joke. Especially with the face. While bad tummy tucks can be hidden with clothing. Even if you had necrosis…. which is the skin dying. Grafting that area is easier than fixing a face.
Others have mentioned getting 3 consultants, and that’s an amazing idea.
But you need to talk to your family. Id suspect you are Indian? Im not but have knowledge enough about the culture bc of where I live.
Regardless, your parents would be far more disappointed if you did this without their knowledge and had an extremely bad outcome. Where would that leave them as well?? Especially if you needed more surgeries, etc?
Per Google what you’re talking about is just the way your chin sits under your mouth.. your face is still growing! I’m sure someone somewhere has something to upset you and therefore you’re having issues.. frankly speaking with parents working such low paying jobs you first need to focus on survival .. those debts are probably from your expenses too. You can learn how to do makeup to auit your face from finding on some on Insta with similar features and see a dermatologist for your skin. Good luck
Sorry to be blunt but you need to stop being delusional.
Your family can’t afford to live nevermind save 6k for an elective surgery. That’s why nobody has moved out not because of tradition or some family dynamic.
19 is still young in regards to face shape. I can tell you right now that your face will change a lot, and from what I’ve seen from my female friends, holding out on plastic surgery can be the better option to avoid an asymmetrical face.
don’t listen to every plastic surgeon, they don’t all care about their patients. Get multiple opinions. A big line you will hear is “whatever the result is when I’m done it will look better than when I started”. This is a classic line and it’s also not always true.
you could get botox for much cheaper and its way more discreet. you can cover it up by saying you’re doing gua shua or something like that.
Yes they might object to the expenses of a plastic surgery, your best bet is an honest conversation while living under their roof because it’s pretty hard to mask.
As for the hyperpigmentation, its not true that only plastic surgery can heal it. check if you have insulin resistance with a Hba1C blood test. Insulin resistance shows up immediately as hyperpigmentation in POC. If you do then cut down on carbs/sugar and start working out and sleeping better and you should see results within the month.
otherwise you can look into skin care solutions like vitamin c serums, niacinamide, kojic acid, and so much more.
I’m gonna bet that there’s nothing wrong with your facial structure. We all focus obsessively on minor details about ourselves when we are young.
Hyperpigmentation is easily treatable with bleaching creams. It’s worthwhile seeing a dermatologist so they can help you decide why you have pigmentation there so that it doesn’t come back when you treat it.
Wearing sunscreen and a wide brimmed hat can help if pigmentation is problematic; think of the area that is brown as a spot that tans better than the rest of you. Keeping it out of the sun often is crucial.
Good luck!
I would not recommend a chin surgery under local anesthesia. Please pay the extra for general.
Don’t. Now is a good time to grow up a bit. Do a thought experiment, who in your life do you respect unreservedly? Now, can you imagine that person spending this much money on themselves while their family scrapes by? Confidence doesn’t come from appearance. Good luck OP.
I was thinking if you suddenly show up with a BBL I doubt you can hide that.
I don’t think you should get it done discretely. You know how they’d feel. You know they are struggling financially. You know you would have to actively lie to them. How does that make you feel? What if something goes wrong? What if you spend the money and then a financial catastrophe happens that you could have helped with and they found out you spent that much on something for the sake of vanity?
If you want to be successful, you need to have your financial house in order before you start getting luxury items.
I was insecure about my body at your age. Probably would have considered surgery too. At nearly 50, I’m glad I didn’t do it. What felt like a pressing need turned out to be not so important when I had spent a little more time on personal growth.
It’s up to you whether you’re going to live YOUR life, or theirs.
I’d move out asap to start my own. If you do well, send money to them to help them out.
But being an expense on them by living with them at this age and then trying to spend money on cosmetic surgery is not a good look.