My (40F) MIL (70s) moved to our area a few weeks ago. My husband and I have been together about 5 years — a lot of that during Covid — so I’m still kinda new to her in-person behavior.
She’s single — divorced my FIL 20+ years ago, widowed from her second husband 5 years ago, and currently estranged from her daughter.
She invited me and my husband to dinner but my husband couldn’t make it. She told me, “Bring someone!”, so I brought my mom.
In just two hours she:
• Compared her relationship with my husband to mine & my mom’s — multiple times.
• Bragged about her money (but never gives my husband details, just “my finance guy says I’m fine”). My husband just wants her to be financially comfortable for the rest of her life.
• Brought every topic back to herself and never asked follow-up questions to me or my mom.
• Said “Well, he used to call me before you showed up in his life. But I’m glad he’s happy.”
• Asked my mom (while I was in the bathroom) if my husband and I are trying for babies.
• Did out-loud math over the check, then asked my mom to split it. I ended up just picking it up bc it was awkward. And I asked my mom to go, I wasn’t going to make her pay for me.
Other notable and recent behavior: She’s cornered me to get me to agree that my husband’s behavior is “unacceptable.” She’s called my dad under the guise of asking a question, then used the call to badmouth both me and my husband. She never takes accountability, never apologizes, and somehow manages to guilt-trip people over the consequences of her own actions.
After this dinner, I was mentally drained and exhausted. It took so much energy for me not to engage and try to keep the conversation happy and not gossipy. I validated my experience against my mom who said “everything you said did happen. But try to focus on the positive attributes of her.”
I realized I need some self-imposed boundaries: 2 hours max if other people are present, 1 hour max if it’s just the two of us — and preferably while doing an activity to distract from the negativity. We also already have a no pop-in rule. And also, when I share back to my husband, I keep it factual and let him make his own conclusions.
So… is this just MIL 101 behavior, or am I looking at something more? Now that she’s local, what other boundaries should I be thinking about? I also don’t understand why she puts her son down to me? Is she trying to drive a wedge between me & him?
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She’s trying to make you think you made a mistake so you’ll divorce your husband. Then she can have the most important man in her life back and allllll to herself.
One behavior is not mutually exclusive. It can be up to 3 or more reasons.
drive a wedge between you
have him back to herself again, that could be why she moved closer
make you responsible for his behavior. Telling you he is acting up, expecting you to straighten him out. Be his secretary, babysitter and whatever else. It could soon turn into being all your fault, because after all he is under your care.
Gee, I wonder why MIL’s daughter is estranged… MIL probably has *no* idea. (missing missing reasons.)
Don’t ever agree to be alone with her again and have your parents mute her on their phones.
She’s a textbook narcissist. The “used to call me” comment and putting her son down to you are classic manipulation tactics. You’re spot on with setting time limits and activities to distract from her negativity. Consider limiting one-on-one time or having a third person present to minimize her mind games. Don’t let her guilt trip you into overexplaining or justifying yourself. Keep your boundaries firm and don’t expect her to respect them.
To me it sounds like when she puts your husband down she may be trying to get you to agree with her, or get you to talk bad about him too. It’s a weird and awful thing for her to do. Definitely try to minimize spending time with her altogether but if you must see her, ensure someone is always with you both to act as a “buffer” and to be a witness to what is or isn’t said in case she tries to tell your husband that YOU were the one insulting him. Idk, just try to protect yourself and your peace as much as possible. Good luck!
This is MIL 401, advanced-level manipulation with a minor in martyrdom. She’s not just annoying, she’s controlling, insecure, and competitive with you for her son. Yes, she’s trying to wedge. It’s not subtle. You’re already handling it better than most, time limits, facts-only with your husband, just don’t fall into the trap of “focusing on her positive traits” to justify her behavior. Boundaries are great, consequences are better.
You don’t need to see her at all. Only short visits when husband is around. And you and your family try grey rocking her.
Do not see her alone. No reason for it. Like how often does your husband hang out alone with your
Mother?
I don’t think you need to see her alone. You don’t have to tell her that, but decline solo invitations and only attend when husband and/or other people are present. Look up grey rocking.
How about you refuse to be alone with her.
NEVER be alone with her. Enjoy the freedom. It’s yours to grab and hold.
This lady sounds like a piece of work. Her behavior is pretty toxic, and you’re right to set boundaries to protect your energy. Two hours max with others, one hour max with just her, and doing activities to distract from negativity are good starts. You might also consider limiting one-on-one conversations, setting clear expectations for how you want to be treated, and prioritizing self-care. It’s possible she’s trying to drive a wedge between you and your husband, or maybe she’s just used to being the center of attention. Either way, prioritizing your own well-being is key.
Your MIL’s behavior sounds draining and manipulative, which isn’t uncommon but still tough to handle. Setting clear boundaries like time limits on visits and no unannounced drop-ins is smart. Keep interactions focused on neutral activities to avoid negativity. When she puts your husband down, it could be a control tactic to create distance between you two, stay united and don’t engage in those conversations. Continue sharing facts with your husband without emotional coloring so he can see things clearly. Prioritize your mental health and protect your relationship.