Title. I’m really struggling. I’m looking at things objectively, I know that beauty standards vary and ultimately don’t fucking matter, and I know that being a good person is more important than anything else. But still, what I lack bothers me. I’m too old now, it shouldn’t bother me, but it’s been this way since I can remember, and my unattractive appearance has been confirmed by both family and past partners. I feel inadequate and grotesque, especially compared to the women my partner watches in porn. Wish I could be a chill person with no issues with all of that, but unfortunately I’m not. Please help, I want to try to feel okay again. I haven’t been able to eat or leave my house today.
Comments
Get rid of the partner, that’s abuse.
You value the happiness and opinions of other people over your own. You are hurting yourself, you need to take care of you. Leave the man, go do things that make YOU happy.
Girl, you need to eat. What exactly do you not like about yourself? Working out or make up is always on your side. Your nails are cute!
I find having a partner make it unbareable. It’s like a sliver constantly rubbed on.
I‘m sorry you are hurting. I got much more chill about how I look since I realized that we don’t exist to please other people. Our bodies are here to take us places and experience stuff, how they look while doing that is no ones business. Good hygiene and being nice is all I expect of my fellow humans. Try to appreciate the small things you like about yourself, I assure you every person has something cute or interesting about them, try to focus more on that than stuff that bothers you.
Hello, I’ve been where you are. A few things that have helped me come through it in no particularly well organized format – Therapy. Focus on your strengths (personality, skills, physical strength, whatever is good about you). Stop comparing yourself to other women. Remove toxic people, including partners, from your life – better to be alone than wish you were. Watch videos of women taking off pounds of makeup and realize that that’s not what they actually look like. If you want to, learn to do your own make up and wear pounds of it. Work with a personal trainer and a dietician (but stay the fuck away from MLM garbage) to get in kickass shape. Maybe realize that wearing pounds of makeup, exercising two hours a day, and restricting yourself from eating anything that makes you happy is not actually a solution, even if it does make you conventionally attractive. Maybe realize that you love who you can become through art and exercise and self control. Embrace being exactly who you want to be – even if parts of you feel incongruous to one another at the beginning – and openly choose to reject social pressure to be x, y or z. In fact, name x, y and z out loud to yourself so that you know you know exactly what they are and why they don’t matter. Embrace the things that make you feel happier or healthier or more secure and leave the rest of it behind.
I mean, girl, what – do you look like Art the Clown? Because if not, I can tell you 100% that you look fine. We’re not all gorgeous. If you look around at the world, the majority of people are extremely average or kinda ugly. And the majority of people have lives despite that.
I don’t think that anyone is ugly. I really don’t. And I don’t mean like, “what’s inside counts” or whatever – sincerely, SO MUCH goes into what makes a person attractive in my personal opinion. The way they speak, emote, dress, gesture, all of it goes into what makes someone attractive. Personality plays a role of course – there are tons of people I know who I might not find bombshell hot but I’d 100% date them because they’re lovely people. “Ugly” is so subjective. You’re somebody’s type. It’s an intense shame that maybe you’re not your current partner’s type, but he’s dastardly to call you “ugly” if he’s said that.
It sounds like there’s a bit more going on with you than just feeling or being ugly. You sound a bit defeated – you gotta eat, first of all, and do you think you might be depressed in general? You sound like you’re really struggling. <3
I think you need to speak to a doctor. Feeling ugly shouldnt keep you from eating or leaving the house. This sounds like anxiety or depression or something. Maybe some mood stabilizers would help you. If you’ve been feeling this way you’re whole life, I think medicine may be a way to find some relief. I dont say that lightly. But truly. This is no way to live.
I got over it when I realized the people I find the most attractive are the ones who are kind, compassionate, and self-confident (without crossing the line into arrogance), and they are most attractive when they are immersed in something they are passionate about. It has very little to do with how they compare to conventional beauty standards (which are constantly changing anyway!).
So once that finally clicked in my brain, I started focusing on doing things I love and after a while I realized I wasn’t thinking about comparing myself to others as much.
Porn and social media will warp your body image like crazy. Most celebrities/sex workers/big influencers are having work done and using filters for social media so it’s so difficult to know what a “natural beauty” even looks like!
I’m worried about your family and past partners “confirming” that you’re unattractive – you might have just gotten really unlucky having shitty people in your life. Also, zero need to beat yourself up for being “too old” to feel this way – society has built in ways to make women of all ages feel bad about their appearance.
I would recommend therapy and maybe heading to some of the body positive makeup/fashion subreddits and see if there are some simple things you could do to boost your confidence! No one needs makeup to be beautiful but sometimes a little temporary appearance alteration can help me feel better.
By definition half of people for all of history have been more ugly than average. Idk if that will help you but I often like to think of things that way