This isn’t anything dramatic—no infidelity or abuse—I just want to say that upfront given the tone of the title.
I (38F) and my husband (40M) have been together for 21 years, married for 17. Over the years, we’ve weathered so much together: his father’s passing, the loss of my siblings, the births of our three children, and countless other highs and lows. We’ve truly grown up side by side.
In 2020, we decided to finally leave our hometown. We considered a few states, but I pushed for a place where my dad’s side of the family lived. It had always been a dream of mine to reconnect with that side and share it with the family my husband and I had built together. We had already gone no-contact with his side of the family, and I think I was holding on to the hope that this move would fill a void for all of us.
We made the move in 2021, only to quickly realize that things weren’t going to unfold the way I’d imagined, but that’s a whole separate story.
Now, four years in, we’ve built a life here. We own a home, our three kids are in school, and I have a solid career. My husband, though, has had a tougher time. He runs his own business, which has given him the flexibility to be there for our kids, something we’re both grateful for. But emotionally and mentally, it’s been harder for him to adjust.
We both see this chapter of life as a time to work hard and save for what’s next. But when things get hard or he’s having a low day, I end up being the one blamed, for pushing the move, for not fully hearing his hesitation, for taking my parents’ encouragement over his concerns (and yes, my parents pretty much disappeared after we got here).
I don’t argue anymore. I know I didn’t fully consider his side back then, and I’ve carried guilt for that. I know healing is ultimately his to do, but I love him deeply and want to help however I can.
So my question is: what else can I do to help him heal and feel whole again in this place we now call home?
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Backup of the post’s body: This isn’t anything dramatic—no infidelity or abuse—I just want to say that upfront given the tone of the title.
I (38F) and my husband (40M) have been together for 21 years, married for 17. Over the years, we’ve weathered so much together: his father’s passing, the loss of my siblings, the births of our three children, and countless other highs and lows. We’ve truly grown up side by side.
In 2020, we decided to finally leave our hometown. We considered a few states, but I pushed for a place where my dad’s side of the family lived. It had always been a dream of mine to reconnect with that side and share it with the family my husband and I had built together. We had already gone no-contact with his side of the family, and I think I was holding on to the hope that this move would fill a void for all of us.
We made the move in 2021, only to quickly realize that things weren’t going to unfold the way I’d imagined, but that’s a whole separate story.
Now, four years in, we’ve built a life here. We own a home, our three kids are in school, and I have a solid career. My husband, though, has had a tougher time. He runs his own business, which has given him the flexibility to be there for our kids, something we’re both grateful for. But emotionally and mentally, it’s been harder for him to adjust.
We both see this chapter of life as a time to work hard and save for what’s next. But when things get hard or he’s having a low day, I end up being the one blamed, for pushing the move, for not fully hearing his hesitation, for taking my parents’ encouragement over his concerns (and yes, my parents pretty much disappeared after we got here).
I don’t argue anymore. I know I didn’t fully consider his side back then, and I’ve carried guilt for that. I know healing is ultimately his to do, but I love him deeply and want to help however I can.
So my question is: what else can I do to help him heal and feel whole again in this place we now call home?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Couples counseling. 4 years is a long time to hold a grudge and you don’t need to keep carrying that guilt. There is likely not many other ways to work through it aside from a un-biased third party.
Maybe talk about moving somewhere both want not just one your a team both should be a yes or it’s a no
I’m not sure if you’re going to be able to, honestly. He’s clearly not happy in your current location, but you’ve been there four years and clearly locked yourselves in so moving isn’t an option. Unless he can find a way to truly love and enjoy the place you’re living, I’m not really sure what you can do.
My take is the core problem from his perspective: He is ancillary to your life instead of leading the family. This isn’t a forgiveness issue, it’s an issue of him not being in the role he wants as a traditional man. (Assumption based on generalities – may not apply to your situation) Not sure the best path forward but I suspect that if his business flourished a lot of this would go away.
I see a lot of acknowledgement of his issues to us, but is it the same to him? Have you had a full discussion of your feelings, where you stand now, and what to do about it going forward?
You have not mentioned anywhere that his concerns have actually registered and caused even the slightest change in the family. It’s sounds like he’s just been handed the shit end of the stick and told “oh well, I didn’t think it would be like this, but it is, so deal with it.”
I think couple’s counselling could help.. but ultimately you just need to sit down together and really listen this time what he wants and what would help HIM to feel more secure/happy/content. It might be moving elsewhere, it might be something simpler. Maybe acknowledging his feelings is what he craves for and even that would help
Honestly? Aside from moving again, probably nothing.
Wow, this hits home for me. We moved here in 2024 to be closer to her parents and for a better school environment/community for my teenager. The grandparents have been a shit show (very rare visits-interactions) and my son’s uncle (1 hour away) is a no-show. I don’t guilt her about the move, but had I been single, I would’ve moved to CO instead.
Open the Bible and look up scriptures on Forgiveness!
Pray over him each day!
Read 1Cor13. Defines Love by God
Using these principles; Just love him! Show your love by action and not just words!
Read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Are you open to moving again? Get out of the place that lead to misery. Decide on somewhere together this time. Listen to his concerns this time.
Four years and hes blaming you and making you feel guilty? Hmm.
What kind of argument did he put up about moving? Did he say no? Did you drag him kicking and screaming to the new town? You say you wanted this move, ok, but what’s his level of responsibility in that decision? Did he want to leave your previous town, and this was just your preference for where you went? What were the other options, why would they have been better for his business? Was that discussed at the time?
Moving to be near family is a very valid reason for choosing a place to live. If he isn’t happy there, why is he taking that out on you instead of working to make it better? I think NTA unless you were somehow unreasonable in demanding that you move, and only to this specific place.
If he is throwing the blame on you and you alone he is forgetting that he could have said NO!
Him being unhappy in his life is his doing, but blaming you is easier! I would not put up with that crap! Tell him he is free to move wherever the hell he wants but to stop blaming you for his misery!
Women all over the world have moved to places that their husband moved to and some of them had no choice in the matter!
He had a choice. He didn’t have to go!
Get the two of you to therapy post haste! He needs to be able to express his emotions relative to the situation, and the two of you need to do it in a place that is comfortable and safe for you both. I think this is probably something you can work out, but he’s very angry and needs to be able to work on that. I think that’s the best thing you can do to help him and your marriage.
Ask him what will help. Investigate it in therapy. And then also forgive yourself.
Is it “in this place we now call home” or is it “in this place I call home”?
I think you need to forgive yourself first. You made the best decision you could with the information you had. It didn’t work out perfect but on balance it worked out better than it didn’t. Because if that wasn’t true, you all would have moved already.
Your husband needs to make a choice. He needs to accept the situation he’s in or work with your family to change it. But if you’ve taken responsibility, offered to work with him on moving if that’s what he wants, or otherwise tried to help make the decision more tenable, he doesn’t get to blame you for his choice to feel stuck.
It was a decision you took as a family, no matter the arguments each of you put for and against. No need to blame after.