I am a single mom of a 21 yr old son, at a complete loss on how to help my son get started in life. We had a major life event in 2019 that began his decent into depression and isolation, and every year it seems to only get worse. In 2022 we moved to a different state and in the beginning there was hope, he was getting out a bit, was in a band, but since that ended there’s just been nothing. We’ve tried several therapists but he doesn’t click with anyone, he won’t take medication, he also has what we both believe to be an eating disorder called ARFID that he refuses help with. I feel like I have literally tried everything to help him, but I don’t seem to be someone he’ll listen to.
The beginning of June I finally took all of his electronics away and insisted that he either start working, go to ED treatment, or move out. It’s so exhausting and heart breaking watching someone you love so much just sit in a box, staring at a screen for 16hrs a day. He has applied to several jobs since then, but with no experience and a refusal to follow up with anyone, he hasn’t gotten any call backs.
I don’t know how to handle this situation. His father is not in the picture, but I did reach out to him for help. He just wanted to yell at me and all he could talk about was my son being gay because “girls should motivate him.” đ He’s not gay, I think he’s probably on the spectrum and highly sensitive, and severely depressed. He’s told me he has no will to live or to do anything to get better because there’s no point. He feels this world is “inhospitable” for young men, primarily young white, straight men.
I am just at a loss. We have no men in our lives, both his grandfather’s are dead (they were also absent), my brother is dead, his father is a POS and there’s no one. I know he, like so many young men, need strong male leadership, but where do you get it when there’s no men in your family?
The military is not an option.
Just wondering what father’s do when their son’s are struggling.
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>Just wondering what father’s do when their son’s are struggling.
You literally drag them out of the house, go do something and not talk about feelings and/or what they should be doing. Just goof around, focus on having a good time and if they want to talk, they come to you.
Be prepared for a whole lot of nada the first few times. If you do it consistently, eventually they will catch on that you’re not forcing to do anything except have a good time and they should open up.
That you’re the only parental figure in their life might make this a bridge too far, though. You still have to force them to do stuff in/around the house.
Are there no social work programs in your area? There was this ‘big brother’ program I heard about in some parts of the U.S.
I dont really have an answer for you but wishing you and your son the bestÂ
Itâs going to be really hard because he can see who his father is and he hasnât seen real male strength in a positive way. Thatâs not your fault.
Society has been systemically dismantling strong male leadership as toxic in order to promote equality of outcome. Your son has a lot of company. The key is to make him understand that itâs not hopeless just a challenge to overcome and thatâs still on him to get through adversity and not use everything negative in life as a crutch.
That’s the big issue man. He needs a male figure in his life. A lot better if it’s a white straight man. He could show him it’s not like what he thinks it is
Sounds like he really needs a male figure . Thereâs lots of male support groups/clubs that offer a great variety of activities. Kind of like bunch of guys get together once a week and hangout. Sometimes do some carpentry or hiking or even camping , or just going to get food at a restaurant . The idea is to grow connections and have experiences with other guys and itâs super chill and you learn a lot and everyone is always nice . If heâs lucky you can hit off a good connection with someone thatâs willing to mentor you, and usually the age range is pretty diversified so you get guys with lots of life experience there as well. Iâd recommend starting there . Iâve been a deep spot myself and itâs definitely helps and means the world to hear another guys experience and advice , especially when you can tell itâs honest and genuine .
Can he enroll in community college? If he doesnât have a car you can just force him to stay on campus and do his work / socialize rather than coming home immediately after class. I started at community college and transferred to Chapel Hill. He can absolutely transfer to your flagship state school if he applies himself.
As for hobbies – a gym membership and investing in good healthy food for starters. Heâll feel better about himself if he gets in better shape. It also will just give him an event to get him out of the house everyday.
What about big brothers or a male mentor?
Taking away electronics and giving an ultimatum was probably a bad idea. Heâs either escaping from something or hasnât found his identity. The best thing to do is have a conversation with him. Not in a you have to get help way, but in an Iâm concerned for you way. You also canât just sit him down at a table and face him. One technique to get people to open up to you is to sit side by side (for example while driving) which makes it more comfortable to open up to people. Also you have to accept sometimes people donât want solutions to their problems. Maybe he just need to be heard? It seems like he found motivation in his band which sounds like he doesnât have anymore. Iâm a bit concerned about HE doesnât click with any therapist, HE wonât take medication HE has an eating disorder that HE refuses to get help with. Iâm not someone HEâLL listen to. Perhaps having this much blame on your mind is hurting the relationship between you two? 21 is a hard time to figure out your identity. Remember at this point, you two are equals. Yes you are mother and son but you both are EQUAL adults. Just my two cents.
Does your son want to talk with his dad? Although the dad seems kinda harsh.
Iâve heard of a few cases like this. The one I know the most about is the son of an engineer and a counselor/social worker. When I first heard about him through his uncle, he was in his 20s and sounded a lot like your description. His parents did not seem motivated to overcome the huge inertia of getting him out of his room. Now weâre getting close to 30 years down the road. Heâs still in his room. If he were my son, Iâd put a high priority on getting him out of the house. A group home as part of some program would be ideal. Otherwise, he will use you to provide for all his needs and will have no chance to grow.
Martial arts with male teachers, I suggest BJJ. Heâll be able to physically get out some mental issues in a positive way. And get in shape physically
Sounds like autism
19M and I’ve been there so i know from experience. Dont fund his games; dont buy the games etc. This will encourage working for money towards them. Dont take away his electronics. Why? He most likely has friends on there and taking them away also can ruin motivation. Try playing some games with him, i know id love for my mother to have started playing games with me.
For a job, encourage him to work at walmart; they have by far the most simple application process I’ve ever seen. Apply for all positions exept for Leadership positions.
He needs goals or other things to look forward to instead of the short term of games. He needs in person friends; people to go out and do stupid shit with. Work could be an outlet for finding someone like this. Fishing, have him try catfishing its a good past time.
I know it sounds bad, but i recently got into smoking (wouldn’t recommend) and it opens up for more social interactions etc.
He just needs to find the motivation himself and there are ways you can introduce different kinds of motivation. It sounds manipulative but its something he needs.
He needs a ton of encouragement and someone to do stupid shit with. This is what saved me.
I donât know how possible this is, but these are the things he needs on a daily basis.
Itâs hard, and at this point weâve stacked the deck against our young men. Many will not make it.
Sign him up at the local Brazilian Jiu Jitsu gym. Loads of guys of all ages, physiques, and walks of life that teach each other and interact. Itâs physical, mental, and social.
Also, maybe take him fishing every now and then. Pack a 6 pack or a bottle of wine (he can drink now) and some sandwiches and just hang out with each other without expectation of anything but chilling out. Maybe bring some headphones and share music with each other. It sounds like your relationship is all about you pushing him, and him pushing back, so maybe donât try to talk to him or connect with him at all when you go fishing, just relax with each other. If you do catch something, teach him how to bone it and cook it.
I can sort of relate. I myself am not sure what to do. My videogame addiction was definitely debilitating, and I was addicted. I would become unbearable if I didn’t play, or if I started playing and got interrupted. Its really awful stuff.
I know family friends who have a 23 year old son who similarly plays videogames and stays in his room all day long with no job, and it’s shredded their marriage I think, they were similarly distraught and couldn’t cope with him… there’s nothing obviously wrong with him, but there is no reason for him to work in their household where they earn tons of money and he is enabled to play videogames all day. I’m following this thread if just to see if I can help him.
I also want to think the current economy is god awful even though the government/ large media outlets don’t say so. I am grappling with my STEM degree choice being totally saturated. Maybe this is me coping with my own failures, but I just don’t think there are many stable jobs out there.
I don’t know why he thinks young white straight men have it hard though, we probably have it the easiest in the US at least. You could argue because the economy is so bad men feel emasculated…
I would maybe try and sign him up for a job without his consent, he might be grateful. Has he had any previous jobs? Washing dishes is what I did as my first job. Working made me less suicidal all around. But its not really on you to do it… Tough situation all around.
Hey. I’m a 38 year old man. I’ve had peaks and valleys, victories and losses. I’ve been on medication for anxiety, probably should have been for depression ( when I got my 2nd DWI a week before college graduation.
The first advice I can give is he needs get physically active. Walking 10,000 steps a day is not a crazy ask if he is unemployed. Offer to join a gym with him, or go with him to find a gym and get some training sessions probably 8 sessions over 4 weeks.
Simply getting the body moving can be a fantastic relief for depression, then seeing/ feeling fit will elevate confidence.
I am a licensed direct care provider for a boys and girls placement home in Texas. I live in an attached house next to 5 high school boys. Your sons brain might be a year or two behind 21 socially.
Getting active in strength training is proven to counter depression and lack of self confidence.
Another option is having him meet with a recruiter in the navy, go visit with a career center/ trade college about getting his CDL to see the country and make 65k a year.
Also try motivating him with statements like, “I’ll need you to take care of me one day!” “I’d love to travel to a different country with you, will you help me save up by waiting some tables?
Some type of reasonable, 6 month goal.
Best of luck
I feel like as someone who also grew up with a single mother, it was mostly on me to figure out my own issues. It’s not your fault or anyone else’s. You did your job which was take care of childhood needs until adulthood. Everything after that depends on the person than on you. Sending to the military might actually be a viable option even though you are writing it off. There is no other place to teach a young adult discipline and self motivation. At this rate he is either going to be homeless or go to prison. Nothing in a civilized society is going to change his mentality. He decides if he wants to change or put in a situation where he needs to change. I dont think even homelessness or prison will motivate him to change. Military in comparison is way better.
Try to get him involved in social hobbies like sports, musical bands, or theatre.
If he needs a big bro I am here. I am in a band and maybe talk about music. But it won’t be doing much since it will be online and not outside.
Is there a positive hobby he could start? Such as weight lifting, an outdoor sport, writing, etc
You mentioned he was in a band, does he play an instrument? Anything to get him motivated even in just one area. If seeâs himself progress or excel at something it will help him to understand he can do it in other areas and grow his confidence as well.
If he is living under your roof the condition should be he has a job and the money he would have spent on rent is added to a savings account for himself in future. It doesnât matter if that job is McDonalds, KFC, Burger King, etc. The job will provide routine and structure, waking up or going to bed at a more regular time, the opportunity to be social throughout the day with customers or colleagues, the opportunity to meet a friend, and many other benefits
I truly feel for the way your son is feeling as I have felt all those feelings.
I’m just sending positive prayers it’s something I’ve had to figure out for myself and I’m still figuring it out. Maybe some foundational blocks are missing.
I understand how truly heartbreaking this.
Some hope is what can help. What could give hope? Perhaps a youth program. School. Make use of your states welfare programs to get them into school or work. Maybe spiritual hope.
God bless.
Iâve known people like this to join the military come back into civilian life as amazing, ambitious, and motivated individuals.
I also know people that have come out of the military as messed up individuals.
That being said, Iâve seen more of the former than the latter. If he wants to go to school afterwords he will have military assistance to pay it off.
Sign him up for some Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.Â
enroll him in a kickboxing class
Have you considered taking him to get a comprehensive neuropsychological evaluation? I work in the field. Could really help with diagnostic clarity, understanding his thought patterns/perceptions, and especially with recommendations on how to move forward.
Tough situation, no easy answersâŚbut, get outside, get into exercise and cut the phone out for at least a few hours a day. Gotta be doing stuffâart or photography class, hike or camp, group exercise, anythingâand stick to it. Do it with him.
Sounds like severe depression. Not having men in your family doesnât mean that there are no men in the community that can provide a positive example.
I raised four boys they all went through depression. I had them try different activities until they found one they liked. I ended up with a boxer, Mixed martial arts athlete, basketball player and a very talented musician.
They all found a positive example at their activities and in church. Then they build a community of male friends who they could relate to.
He may also have a chemical imbalance. Some foods lower testosterone and young men at his age should be high in testosterone and physical activities.
Iâd suggest improving his diet. All organic, detox from ingested chemicals and household chemicals.
Add foods and activities that will allow him increase testosterone and make him feel like he has a purpose.
As a single mother itâs hard not to coddle them but he needs you to understand his masculine needs and support them. So he can fill the gap of not having a purpose. He truly needs purpose.
Some people donât like traditional masculinity but there truly is something to it that fulfills men âmaybe not all but some do need traditional masculine energy to feel whole.
Can he go to a trade program? Much like the gym, there is therapy in building something with your hands. If he is lucky, he may even stumble upon a role model. It sounds like he’s taken a lot of influence from terminally online mouthpieces. Right now the internet is his reality, hopefully you’ll be able to help him see that it is not, in fact, reality.
*Edit: just want to add, that you seem to being doing the best someone can ask for. When he overcomes these hurdles, he will be very grateful to have you.
very challenging situation. I wish you luck
>He feels this world is “inhospitable” for young men, primarily young white, straight men.
This alone is troubling to hear, because it sounds like he’s already found his support group among radicalized individuals. I’ve heard that radicalized ideology before, and it only leads young impressionable men to fall into a trap of despair.
I don’t who you are or who your son is, but I’ve been there before. I’ve been the one who has sat staring at that screen for extended periods of time. I can safely tell you that your child feels lonely and just itching to seek meaningful connections. The internet is the poorest substitute for all that, but it is a substitute no less. It is habit-forming, and the longer it festers, the less opportunities there will be to pull him out of that hole.
The best possible thing you could do is introduce strong male role models into his life. People who you trust. Men who can offer perspectives of hope, instead of the gloomy ride of self-pity. I empathize with you because it is gut-wrenching to see this happen with anyone’s, more so when it’s your own. But at the same time you will also have to come to accept that he is legally an adult and is free to do what he wants. So you can expect a lot of resistance to any kind of foreign influence.
I was raised extremely sheltered, so when I had my bout of timidity and reclusion from society (I was around age of 15) I took an interest in learning about the world that I lived in. I would get up every day, shower, and walk out that door. To the beach, to the mountains, to the downtown area of my city, and I would observe. Learning how people interact, how society functions, observe the natural world, always with the goal of learning in mind.
I began to mature, baby steps as they may have been, but I began to develop as a person. I made acquaintances. Not always the best influences mind you, but at least ones that shared in my passions and hobbies (specifically, physical fitness), because my physical health has always been important to me. It gave me reasons to stay off the computer and engage with the outside world more and more. Before you know it, I’m walking between cities, at times even walking across the county. Other times I would pick up a day pass for my local transit system and I would ride the lines to their ends. It opened my eyes and it kept those prejudicial influences far from my impressionable young mind.
All that effort paid off, because before long I was making connections with influential and affluent individuals who were on their own journeys, they taught me as much as I learned from them, and presented opportunities that allowed me to travel across the country and make a place for myself. I’ve lived and worked in several states, each experience adding to my personal growth. I became an adult in my own right.
Find ways to introduce hope into your son’s life. Give him reasons to look to the sky instead of the mud. This may very well mean that you yourself will have to grow as a person.
Because in my personal experience, my parents were oppressors, and never supportive in my personal growth. They thought what is commonly thought amongst parents nowadays, do the normal things that society expects of you and everything will be all right. And that is not the case.
Getting a job is beneficial, yes, but without a reason for obtaining that job, there is nothing positive to be gained, except being stuck in the drudgery that we all must face one day. The more I rejected that drab gray world they painted for me, the more oppressive they became, and ultimately, led me to reject them.
I sit here in my middle age, having overcome many of life’s difficulties, and though I may be weary, I am wiser for the wear. And I like to reflect from time to time as to what my life would have been like, had I never made the conscious effort to do what I did.
HOPE. LOVE. SUPPORT. Remind that boy that he is barely entering his life, and that there is no wisdom in forsaking all of life before he has even witnessed a glimpse of it.
Is there anything that your son finds motivating or fun that requires leaving the house? Could be sports, music, art, literature, cooking, being outdoors….anything?
I agree with what others are saying about him needing some sort of positive male role model. Without family as an option, those can still come from lots of different places — someone at church, someone in the neighborhood, a coach/teacher, etc.
This also sounds like a situation where he needs to be motivated with carrots, not sticks. I guess my thought is that I would try to find a way to motivate him to do something that would potentially connect him with a positive male role model.
Hard to say. What was this event ? That could help get some better answers.
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As lame as I found it initially, going to a kickboxing class weekly helped me reestablish myself as confident and added a lot of respect for my mom.
Physical activity always helps, but if he’s not keen on that then I would suggest a volunteering type role. Giving back to those in need really helped me find self worth while also recognizing the fact that my station in life is something to find gratitude in.
How does he get money for things that he wants? Iâm assuming he plays video games or likes McDonaldâs or something right? I wouldnât necessarily demand rent, but donât pay for his entertainment or wants. Put him in a position to where he needs to get a job to get what he wants. Donât enable his bad habits.
Try to get him in a group counseling and rehab program with young men his age.
Well I agree with his general statement on the world but the world isnât at fault for his lot in life, he has to do it
Sometimes you just have to let them hit rock bottom, if the military isnât an option for whatever unknown reason then he needs to self discipline, thatâs what I did I had to discipline myself and hold myself to a standard. You did the right thing taking his crutches and telling him in essence, âgrow some balls, pogâ, thatâs an important thing I think all people need to hear at points.
The postal service is always hiring somewhere in this country, usps.com/careers, give it a try, it might take a while to get hired but Iâm positive somewhere needs people.
I think what would be perfect it a slightly physical job wear you work with and help other people.
I had a job in college, setting up tables and chairs and stuff for events. I think it did wonders for my mental health. Getting some exercise, talking with other people in person, seeing people enjoy the event that I helped set up for. The catering jobs also looked similar/fun to me. They would always come in after we had set up the tables.
My dad was distant and I got coddled by my mom as a dude. Robert glover is a good resource. But immediate solutions is putting him in martial arts or things around other males to grow.
Substitute drug addiction for ED and you have something eerily similar to my story lol. I cant help tho sorry, i had to figure it out on my own
We had a similar issue with a family member that moved in with us. We established some house rules about curfew and things like that. We also set up a tiered rent system to give him time to adjust to the real world. We gave him 3 months for free, then increased the rent by $100 every 3 months. We figured that after enough time, it would be more expensive to rent from us than to move in with some roommates. The plan worked! He moved out after 4 months đ.
I have a coworker that was having a similar problem with his son, and he implemented the same plan. It worked for him as well.
I know not all situations and kids are the same, but this is a good way to help them slowly transition. Having a job and contributing to the household goes a long way for mental health. Your son will have a goal to work towards and will feel some self worth if they are able to contribute.
Good luck!
Im not sure how helpful this will be but I feel like I may be able to relate to him. Iâve been in his shoes under different circumstances. Iâm a father now of two little girls so reading this hits home you know. If nothing youâve been trying has worked I would recommend stepping back. Heâs most likely doing a lot of self work mentally, but also distracting himself with games. As a parent I would keep encourage him to get out more in general. Help or encourage him to find something he can do or follow that he genuinely enjoys. Obviously he needs to get a job which will help him in a lot more ways than money alone but I would focus more on helping him build up his mental health in his own way since he doesnât want to go the medical route. I get that. Iâd be willing to game with him sometime if heâs down for that, it might be helpful for him. You can DM me if you want to try to set something up, but I donât blame him if he doesnât want to talk to a random from Reddit lol
ARFID is something that a lot of ED services won’t work with, at least in the UK – he might be better off looking for support via Autism support groups and services.
What was the major life event?
Its hard to give advice to something that put him into a depression.
Father left that year?, Rejection from a crush? no friends or friendships ending?
Can only really give generalized advice to depression from details of the post.
Taking away privileges will not help; science proves this.
Without armchair diagnosing, a lot of these symptoms are heavily suggestive of autism. My son is very similar and his brother is diagnosed Autistic/ADHD. They have similar traits in many ways just different interests and degrees of impairment (a horrible clinical phrase). My eldest son hit all the normal milestones so he didn’t get the autism label, it was present all along, but it showed up later.
For these kids, late teenage-hood can be a particularly bad time because of all the changes going on in their lives that they need to adapt to. Suddenly they are no longer in school, there are social pressures and anxiety that comes from that, plus the looming threat of needing to find employment and ‘grow up’.
All this combined with the trauma in 2019, I could see how that could upset his entire equilibrium.
Again, without armchair diagnosing, ARFID is a very strong indicator of autism.
With my two sons, who both have many of these same traits, I just take them to everything, go everywhere, try everything that they will try (but don’t force them). Expose them to as many different stimuli as you can at every single opportunity. See everything and do everything and teach them everything you can.
Consider joining: r/Autism_Parenting
DO NOT just kick him out the door to sink or swim.
Get a dog
Have him signup as a ubereats driver. If he/you have a car that is. (Or if you’re in a big city you can use a bicycle)
Anyone is accepted and it will teach many things like responsibility and customer service.
Msg me if you want more info.
Try a temp agency maybe? He can get some hours at a low level, learn some things and maybe find his way. He will probably bounce around a few jobs but meet different people and experience some different things.
If I may be frank, I don’t think he needs “strong male leadership”. I think that’s kind of a bunch of hogwash. He may desire, even need, role models, but if he’s keeping himself from finding them because of their gender, style or presentation, then he is not helping himself, and sadly, that isn’t something that you can force him to change.
You can lead a horse to the water, but you can’t make him drink, so to speak. It’s really bleak to hear, I know, but helping someone out of this sort of spiral is often just a question of staying there, staying supportive and available for when they are ready to try to get better. If they start being a threat to themselves, be sure to find out what the resources are in your area.
Share life stories with him; they might help. Those things definitely helped me connect with my own mother better, when I wasn’t feeling great. Same with my aunts.
Suggesting he joins you or friends for hobbies that aren’t work-related could also help. My mother had a pretty bad episode, for a while, and it genuinely helped her, when she started painting at my suggestion.
One last thing… it sounds like your son is also starting to get sucked down a right-wing rabbit hole. The thing about there being “no place for young white men” is bullshit that fascy weirdos love to use to stoke resentment by validating sentiments of alienation towards society, which helps them sell the rest of their nonsense. I’m not sure what you can do on that front… I just thought it’d be useful to know.
I kinda feel like everyone is trying to give advice and not asking important questions that werenât clarified.
I will offer this, though.
> all he could talk about was my son being gay⌠he has no will to live⌠we have no men in our lives⌠he hasnât gotten any call backs
Iâm just a guy on Reddit, but itâs obvious heâs having a negative response to the lack of male presence in his life. I could only guess the dad wasnât too great to him when he was around.
Fathers tend to teach children how to achieve âvictoriesâ in things. At first, itâs small things- catching a ball, climbing up something, winning a wrestling match.. then it gets harder- overcoming fear to talk to that girl, lighting a firework, surfing⌠this teaches the children(and boys, especially) about effort, failure, resilience, and success. Thatâs how confidence is built. Thatâs what gives kids(boys) momentum.
Confidence only happens in the repeated experience of success.
Today, in the absence of that, video games offer âvictoriesâ cheaply. You can win a match, beat an opponent, do something difficult with your team⌠these things become rewarding in a way that is more readily accessible than most achievements in real life.
And to an extent, youâre reinforcing this(not maliciously). Letâs say you prod him away from his game to tell him to apply for a job. His experience is that he has to go put effort in just to apply, and never get a response. It teaches him that the real world wonât make him feel good(give the dopamine hit) in the way that the games will. Heâll always go the path of least resistance.
So again, I think the best move is to find any leverage you can with him of the details of his interests. And maybe, from this point it shouldnât be you to pull him out. Itâs likely he associates you with the obstacles he has in life.
I empathize with him. I could have very well been similar, but I, like others here, ended up going to the military. I feel so bad for todayâs boys who never got what I got by having guys around to keep me from falling off the wagon. There are so many obstacles.
I would suggest getting him away from the screens. Find something near you that is fun and uses up his energy. Martial arts, geocaching, hiking, biking, gym membership, disc golf, or whatever he is into. The meds suck to be on, they are only a short term band aid for someone with an over active mind. I’m not a doctor but I have a son that is autistic. New things will keep his mind busy and exercise will use up his excess energy. You can also look into a ”big brother” type program for him to mentor someone. I know that my next statement might be a little controversial but sometimes tough love might be the answer… it might be time to kick the baby bird out of the nest so that he can fly. You are a strong woman for raising him instead of the dumpster fire he has for a father and I commend you for that. In summary I would say get him away from screens, and into something that activates his mind and body. If he refuses then you need to let him go. Life will make him active in both but with added stress as the motivation.
Thank u for asking this question.
I feel that finding some IRL clubs, groups, mentors, etc would help a lot.
Like, it fucking sucks because we donât have what he desperately needs in our society.
Maybe find something analogous to Big Brothers Big Sisters but for Large Adult Sons?
Go with God, â¤ď¸âđĽ
Hey, I’m a young man and I’ve gone through a couple of depressive times in my life, and similar issues with looking for work.
This is going to be controversial, but the biggest help for me getting out of depression was having a few magic mushroom experiences. They were like parachutes, where they changed my perspective and gave me a new vigor for life. I can actually draw a line in my life where I had these trips and I started drinking less, cleaning up my room more, and going back to school.
I know they aren’t for everyone, so two other things that helped were starting to meditate, and reading books about stoicism and Bhuddist stuff. Over our lives we build up all of these constructs in our minds, like addictions, bad memories, and really rigid views on the world. When we calm our mind over and over again, those constructs start to fall away, or we can at least see through them, that they’re just thoughts and not actual reality. Meditation and shrooms both do this, except with shrooms it’s much faster, with less commitment. With meditation it takes a lot of time commitment, but it can be more palatable for some people.
My story is different from your son’s but I just thought I’d share some of my own solutions. I hope he gets out of his funk.
You’re treating your son like a kid so he will act like a kid. Give him his electronics’s back, those are his, you have no right to take his electronics away when he’s 21.
I know you’re desperate but you need to treat him like an adult.
Stop doing everything for him.
Tell him you’re going to charge him rent every month. Give him 450$ to start with and say “each month I’m going to charge you 150$ a month, use this money to get a job and pay me for rent. I won’t give you more after this and I will kick you out if you’re late on rent”
Then most importantly treat him like a tenant, but give him chance to work it out. Give him freedom and don’t go in his room. Let him have people over, whoever he wants.
He needs to get something out of it and this is it. Explain it to him.
Treat him like an adult and he will act like an adult and read about the psychology of raising and adolescent into an adult.
You need to stop looking at it like “why won’t he do better” and look at it like “in what way did my actions lead to him being like this? Did I coddle gin too much? Let him get away with too much? Was I overprotective? Did I do everything for him?”
It may be too late now he’s 21, let’s hope it’s not.
If you give him privacy, the ability to have who be wants over as long as they aren’t loud when it’s late, and money to pay rent. You give him electronics. You say he can leave whenever he wants. You trust him to be an adult. Hopefully it will work out and he will act like an adult. But communicate everything. Tell him that he’s an adult now so you’re going to give him freedoms – it gives him a taste of adulthood and let’s him hopefully grow up.
Most people who still act like kids in adulthood are because of their parents still holding them back
Is he picky with his food? Is he diagnosed with ARFID? If not, why do you suspect it?
What do boyscouts grow into? That.
Despite promoting inclusivity publicly it doesn’t mean that if counts for their employees.
Iâd start off with something small to make him feel like heâs contributing something, but enough that he knows thereâs consequences for not coming through. Like maybe $25 a month for electricity at first, let the first month go if he doesnât just remind him. Now the second month is when youâll have to crack down and no payment means no electricity. I understand the job is an issue, but someone around your area Iâm sure needs their yard mowed or flower beds cleaned. But hereâs the thing anytime he pays put it up for him. This I thinks a good way so youâre not just kicking him out, but also teaching him at the same time.
I was very much like your son when I was his age. When I was 19, I had some trauma happen, and I became severely depressed and withdrawn. By age 20, I had attempted suicide and was put on disability. I pretty much became a total hermit for 10+ years. Medications didn’t work, therapy was hit or miss, and I had 0 motivation to do anything. If I had to decide between fighting for a better life and dying under a bridge, I 100% would have chosen the bridge. I’m 37 years old now, still on disability, but I’m back in college, working part-time, happier than I have ever been.
Regarding your son, it’s hard to say if his motivation will come from the carrot or the stick, but unless he finds motivation within himself, there is very little you can do to ‘force’ him to change. It might be valuable for you to seek professional help as well, most of what you get here is going to be very generic answers that may work or may hurt your son, having something more tailored to his personality could be useful. But, IMO, your son will need to see (and care!) that his current life is not sustainable and it’s hurting him. Keep him in therapy even if the therapists don’t click; keep searching. You say he won’t take medications, but why is that? Side effects? if so, how many has he tried, there are tons and tons of medications out there and it is a hard journey to find the right one, and there is a chance none will work. I have drug-resistant depression, so almost nothing worked for me. In the end, the most important factors in my mental health journey were Meditation and Ketamine Therapy.
The longer your son is like this, the harder it will be to get him to change. Internet screen time is a huge problem; it’s so easy to sit in one place doing nothing when you have the internet to distract you. Even if he isn’t working, getting him outside is important. It’s more important that he is out in public/nature than what he is doing out in public/nature. Walk? Hike? Read a book? It’s better than the internet. Help him find something that brings him joy or purpose.
Get him in CrossFit
Have you considered trying to get him volunteering somewhere? Just suggesting an animal shelter as maybe interacting with the animals would be easier than with people when first getting out more. Maybe you can both go and do it together.
It may also help him feel better about himself if heâs helping others.
Yes he has a problem – and you, IMO, are enabling him and nothing is going to change unless you stop enabling him (e.g., watching videos all day, not going to counseling, apply for jobs, but probably not aggressively, etc). Tell him to get off his duff, find and hold a job and set a deadline to make it happen. If he doesn’t meet the deadline boot him out of the house and “force him” to take care of himself. Yes, it will be tough to do and you’ll feel guilty, but if you continue on the current path NOTHING WILL CHANGE.
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Make him do something. I recommend martial arts.
Alright, Iâm going to be blunt:
Youâve listed out a lot of things that are wrong, letâs focus on whatâs right. What does he have going for him? If you canât see anything, he never will. (Iâm sure you see things in him, by the way)
Then we need some long and short term goals. Short term goals are the easiest to overlook. Many of us think we have to go from 0 to 10 overnight, and that stops us from ever getting to 1.
Some short term goals might include: getting some kind of work, trying a new food every week, building on a new (non-electronic) hobby (not knocking the electronic hobbies, but diversity helps us find new things we enjoy and excel in), meeting someone new, etc. The road to sustainability is many, small sustainable steps not giant leaps.
Long term goals is looking for a road toward a career. Hereâs the important part: you donât have to be right. You just have start down a path. So many paths wind and turn and intersect other paths, itâs so easy to jump onto new paths. Doing some career assessments, personality assessments, or the like works for some people. Others like to find dream careers and look for adjacent careers (think musician, what would an audio tech be like?).
Girls, punishment, or ultimatums wouldnât have worked on me in depression, but seeing an attainable future did.
Youâre a good mom.
At least youâre trying.
No advice, but as for someone whose dad specifically was NOT there when he needed him, I just want to say thank you if even he canât.
I don’t know if anybody caught on to the statement about life being hard for a white man who’s straight. And with the statement of taking away Electronics I’m curious to know if your son has a pornography addiction and is also in the migtow scene? I don’t know the major life event that you’re talking about however I can give you great advice as somebody who grew up in a fatherless household but knew that I needed a father figure who was reliable as mine was not.
First everybody’s saying that he needs to get out and do something fun or something that he likes is correct however it’s not going to be with his mom
Second it might sound contradictory but do not try to play his father figure. Get him involved in something that he is interested in with older mature men.
Third he is not wrong with his feelings about it being hard for a white straight man. Regardless on my opinion or anybody else’s opinion on this matter when people start feeling that way you’ll see it everywhere even if it doesn’t exist.
His depression and everything probably has signs of anger as well. He’s most likely motivated about something and even if everybody’s opinion on that something is that it’s silly let him explore what he’s motivated about.
I would encourage you to find a fatherly figure that can come into his life and I would also encourage you to just mother him and make him feel loved. I don’t know the whole story so I’m sorry if I’m assuming anything.
Have him join the military. Really easy to find purpose and direction when youâre a lost individual.
There is some good advice in the comments. It sounds like some of his viewpoints coming from constantly being online so taking away his electronics isnât going to be easy for him to adapt to but is probably needed
You said he was in a band? Take him to see a fun concert. What style of music does he like to play? Find a band playing that has a similar style and go check out a show together. Music may do the trick. Sending you strength and hope.
My YouTube channel is geared towards young men like your son learning discipline, strong habits and meditation
If you search in YouTube : @Lionsheartwisdom
You will find it
Itâs still quite small , but up this alley of issues. I also work one on one with guys but it sounds like he may need more therapy, but I can guarantee the core of his issues are from bad habits
Spectrum or not, depressed or not – he needs to be stretched each day. The good, healthy endeavors in life make you uncomfortable at times, but that brings growth. That can be tough if there aren’t many things to motivate him, but generally the carrot is more productive than the stick.
Finding a girl, or a mentor, or just someone that will expect something of him and that he wants attention from will go a long way, too. This is what dad should be doing, but maybe an uncle, someone from church, neighbor, or friend can fill that role. For better or worse, most mothers love unconditionally, so you can’t really balance that with the “do something with yourself or I’ll kick your ass” motivation that seems to work on guys.
He also needs hope, something to look forward to. My sister floundered for years because she thought a health condition would kill her young. It didn’t, so now she’s starting late.
Hopefully some of that helps.
Have you tested your son for autism? Just based on your sharing information it sounds a lot like autism. My son has level 1 autism (used to be Aspergerâs) and he spends 16 hrs a day on his phone. He reads a lot, doesnât have friends, and is very reclusive.
My son is 17 so heâs not where your son is at, but I can see the similarities.
Iâd recommend doing a couple of things.
See if you can get an autism assessment. Start with your primary care doc and see if they can recommend anyone.
If your son has autism then do some online research for an autism support groups in your areas. FB is a good place to start.
Join the group and get insight from other parents on what they have done. It will help you share and commensurate with others. It can be very lonely to share your experiences with parents who have neurotypical children.
From there see if you can find job resources for adults with autism. This may be state and non-profit resources. Getting plugged into these groups and resources can help your son move into a self sufficient life.
I hope this helps. And if Iâm incorrect and your son doesnât have autism, then please accept my sincerest apologies for assuming much. Your frustrations and concerns just sounds very similar to mine
>He feels this world is “inhospitable” for young men, primarily young white, straight men.
welp he’s fallen into the manosphere, it’s going to be hard to get him out of that space until you help him find a path forward economically, and if you are in north America that may not be possible
The mix of a young, autistic male with no community, no father figure, no education, no job and no partner is a really really dangerous mix. Moreso if you add on other factors like living in a rural or disadvantaged area, not being able to afford schooling, etc.
I found myself in that spot at one point in my early 20s and everything felt “hopeless”. It was suffocating, and it’s easy to search for people to blame. There’s no easy fix, it took years of hard work. But having a mother that cares makes that work at least feel worthwhile.
My best advice is to focus on the things you can control.
Find community service opportunities through things like volunteer match or habitat for humanity. The point being to get him active, social and out of the house. No one really complains about or denies free labour. He may even build connections with the other volunteers that lead to jobs or other oppurtunities.
Find any hobby that gets him out of the house. If he is more of a nerd that didn’t do sports don’t necessarily force him into sporty hobbys. It can feel like you’re so far behind there’s no point. Start with something easier – going on hikes, having a campout, spending time at a Starbucks reading a book (or doing puzzles), Geo tagging, taking photos around town. Perhaps a gym membership but have him start with just going and walking on a treadmill, no pressure for anything else. Low barrier to entry things that involve getting out of the house but without too much responsibility. Eventually the goal is for him to become comfortable with being in these places and to explore more.
In the medium term, you will want to eventually find job or education oppurtunities because it will be very important from a financial, career and romantic perspective. However, start small.
Once he has some Hobby’s, suggest a related course at a nearby community college. Once he has some volunteer experience, apply to some easy jobs – low commitment stuff like retail is fine but is a bit soul draining. Try to find stuff that’d have other people his age. This can be very hard if you live in a rural area. My best suggestion is to look for hole-in-the-wall places like drive-through coffee stands or look into seasonal oppurtunities – places like parks, resorts, casinos or festivals which hire short-term seasonal staff, and where there’s likely to be people his age. Sometimes they even offer room and board so you can look for stuff further afield.
If there’s ever pushback about of lack of work experience, the answer is always ‘im currently pursuing an education’ regardless of whether he’s actually enrolled anywhere. That’s just the way the game is played.
It will require a mix of compassion for his situation but skepticism of any bad influenced (the Mano sphere), gentle prodding and friendliness but also tough love when needed. I wish you the best. Don’t give up on him.
Push him into different hobbies until he finds one he likes, preferably something with other men. If you can spark his masculine side, I think that would be a big plus. When you’re feeling masculine, you’re going to be feeling powerful, too. It wouldn’t need to be something like UFC. It could be archery, for example (if you’re comfortable with him having weapons).
If you’re OK with him making little to no money, he needs to start an apprenticeship. Contact local Construction, plumbing, welding, concrete layers, carpet layers, painters, drywallers, lock Smith, shoe maker… anything that requires you to work with your hands and results in a tangible product worth money. Tell them he will work for free or whatever they can give him and he’ll do whatever small tasks they ask him. He’ll be doing a lot of sweeping and carrying things for a few months but will slowly learn the trade. With luck they’ll be paying him in a year. The trades are desperate for help and he needs get in the motion and routine of leaving the house, applying himself, seeing the fruits of his labor, coming home, repeat.
I can’t give you medical advice. He needs a Multidisciplinary Care Team. It will take a team that actually works together. Is there a university hospital? Going through the ER at a university hospital, isn’t a bad jumping off point to get him help. He is an adult and can refuse. They may be able to get through to him that it can kill him. I wish to love Mama. Keep hope, lean into faith, reach out to support groups. You’re not alone, people care, we care, I care.
Gym saved me.
Like genuinely, but I know it’s REALLY hard to enter without having someone else teaching you the workouts/routines/positions.
You can always research by yourself, so it’s not impossible.
“girls should be motivating him” good god I can’t blame this kid being depressed with parents like these…
Can he drive? Does he have access to a car? Do you live somewhere with adequate public transportation?
If you want him to get out of the house and do something, how will he do it without a ride from mommy?
Many American men view riding the bus poorly, 2nd to getting dropped off by their mom. But having a car means freedom to go anywhere (as long as you can afford gas, etc).
How is a 21yo man supposed to work a job, partake in an active hobby, socialize with peers, or explore without a means of transportation?
*walking and public transportation are fine, but depending on OPs area, probably not what her son may benefit from.
OP, how is your son sleeping?
I (29, M) had similar issues around his age (different circumstances, but still), and I ended up having an undiagnosed sleep disorder. Once I got it treated, I was less depressed, had more energy, and most importantly, enjoyed getting out of the house more (or, rather, disliked it less). In my case, it didnât solve everything, but sleep treatment accelerated my recovery.
I also highly recommend DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) which can help cauterize, so to speak, the emotional wounds of acute depression, eating disorders, and internalized trauma. The idea behind DBT is to retrain the mind and body to regain normal function in spite of intense emotional suffering. Try to search for therapists who specialize in DBT.
I feel deeply for both you and your son as I know how tough it is to make progress without a support structure. I hope these suggestions (particularly the latter) are helpful.
Reddit is going to hate this answer……but try going to church. My family wasn’t crazy church people but I did boy scouts through church, youth group Wednesday nights, a few retreats a year, and some mission trips. I made a lot of good friends that I still talk to 30 years later.
It might take trying a handful of different churches before you find the one you’ll settle at but it’s worth it. It might be intimidating walking into a place you’ve never been before but typically people at church are super friendly. We just moved and had to try six or seven different churches before we settled on one and every church we tried people smiled and came up to us to introduce themselves.
What happened in 2019?
Also, does he have a girl he likes or something?
This might sound dumb and biased but it’s what helped me at that age in a similar position.
Take him to a BJJ gym. He will have challenging exercise while talking to people around his age in a positive male dominated environment.
I was in your son’s position when I was younger. Depression is the worst, and it sucks all motivation and zeal for life out of a person. I gave my life to Jesus, and depression was broken off of me, my mind and my heart were healed. Jesus is the name above every name, even depression; and giving my life to God, the one who died for me and loves me despote my flaws and hangups was a gamechanger. Many churches too have really good young adult groups that provide great comraderie, friendship and support; while also providing men’s groups that pro ide counseling and support for young men growing up in a complicated world.
I went from having no desire to live or be a functioning member if society to thriving and enjoy life again through Jesus. I believe your son can be healed in the same way too. Bless you my friend, I pray your son comes out if his shell and has zeal for life once again, and I pray you have the strength to endure through this time too. â¤ď¸
I’ve been through all this and recently come out the other side with my son. Men are not like women. Going to therapy and talking about things when depressed does not help a man. It’s called “rumination”. It actually makes things worse.
You need to kick your son out of the house and let him sink or swim. He will find himself so busy trying to take care of his basic needs he won’t have time to be depressed. After some time of this he will probably come back to you and ask for help from the mindset of a man and not a boy. And at that point any help you give him he will be grateful for.
I wish you all the best. It broke my heart to leave my son homeless but now he is a good man with an appreciation of life. I hope for the same for your son.
This honestly sounds a lot like my half brother. Raised by my mom on her own from age 5 on. He’s not diagnosed but we all agree he is somewhere on the spectrum. Very anti-social, doesn’t like loud noises, doesn’t like gatherings or public speaking or eye contact, doesn’t really like being around people or out of the house really. He gamed, ALL the time. He had interest, and a few friends from school, but the vast bulk of his time was spent in his bedroom gaming. Finally when he turned 18, my mom wanted to move out of state. She said he was welcome to come but he didn’t want to. Ended up moving in with his dad who helped him get an apartment on his own.
My mom never really forced him to do anything but did try to motivate, just wasn’t firm enough about it. He’d eventually come back to wanting to stay home to game, and she’d just say okay fine at least you tried. His dad, when he moved down with him, was much more firm. He said if he was going to live with him (in the beginning) he was going to have a job. He helped get him a job an auto parts store (his dad’s a mechanic so he has connections) and while my brother didn’t have any interest whatsoever in auto parts or cars or things of that nature, he didn’t have a choice. This was the first step in the right direction. My brother loved money, and saving money (common autism trait) so while the job wasn’t something he liked, he loved getting his paycheck. As he moved into his own apartment, he loved budgeting that money. Breaking it down for certain bills, x amount to savings, and x amount set aside for something he did want. Like a new gaming console or new headset, etc. This motivated him to continue working. He went from working the counter to doing part deliveries around the city (driving in the city was WAY out of his comfort zone) and he actually found himself finding motivation to work his job, get better at it, get promotions so that he could obtain the things he wanted in life.
He got done working at the auto parts store and now works for the USPS. Started filling in on mail routes and now has his own route. From a kid who had no motivation to set down the gaming controller to really thriving in his job and thriving in life in general, he’s doing great. He’s still not social and doesn’t like being around people, but he does keep in touch with his high school friends, and he has plenty of online friends. Definitely a different life than what I or most of us live but he is content and feels he has purpose.
I guess what my advice is, is start with a job. It won’t be something he wants to do. It won’t be his first pick. It won’t be glamorous. Push him to go to the job. Get him up in the morning, drive him to work, make sure he’s doing it. Set goals with him for savings and talk with him about what he might want to save up to buy himself. The gratification of his first big purchase from his own hard earned money will really help motivate him to continue down that path. He doesn’t need to turn into someone who is out of the house with friends and at events all the time. But something that gives him purpose while supporting his hobbies and his likes and wants is what he really needs.
Take him to a professional therapist or similar. Get a referral from his Dr.
I will say that I felt similarly. Life has no meaning, nothing is interesting, nothing is worth suffering for. I also refused to take medication until one day I made my mom cry. I decided to take meds to appease her and they made me do a complete 180. I am completely and utterly dependent on them.
If I go for several days without my dose, I can feel it coming back. I get irritable and those negative thoughts begin to take hold again. And so I owe all my success in the past year and a half to medication. I would be nothing without it.
That being said, they donât work for everyone, and theyâre rather uncomfortable when you start taking them. But for me, I take it every morning and sometime mimic taking the Eucharist at church. I hold up the pill, say: âthe meaning of lifeâ and down it goes.
I’m gonna get down votes for this but…. if your son doesn’t want to help himself, nobody else can help him.
You’ll always be there for support, but if he refuses to do anything and not contribute then he needs to leave the home. You’re there to help when he needs it, but until he decides to help himself he needs to get the boot.
The vast majority of young men, primarily young white, straight men do absolutely fine. But this world is definitely “inhospitable” for people suffering from depression. As someone who has suffered from depression off and on for my entire life I get it, life can be hell. I’m 58 now and I just had to get on a new medication last month. It can be a lifetime battle, but like everything, to more you fight it the easier it gets.
Without medication and some therapy it will be difficult to climb out. Maybe impossible until he decides he’s ready to want to climb out. All I can suggest is to try show him some reasons for hope. And to help him gain some small victories. Any positivity at all can make a difference. Don’t give up on him. Keep pushing him a little here and there, but when you see the pressure mounting even a little bit, relax it. It can be a long journey out of the darkness.
Be understanding, be loving and do the research that he’s unable to do right now. It’s not really his fault, he has a desease. There is hope, you guys have to work together as an unseparatable team. I feel confident you can do it. Good luck to you both
Marines or apprenticeship trade job will set up him with a job and a father figure at the same time
is there time and space to start a project together? bonding in activity can be better than parental instructions or reprimands. ask for his help to build something, or start a garden, or a hobby you can do together, even just board games. tell him you care and you love him and that’s the whole point of life. here’s wishing you well!
If you have the means – IV ketamine at a clinic can have miraculous results.
I think you should go to a therapist yourself and explain whatâs happening. Whatâs going on with your son is more than what you can figure out all by yourself. Asking advice on Reddit isnât a bad thing but itâs not close to being enough.
Being a mom of a kid without problems is hard. Being the mom of a kid that you may think has autism, isnât eating, and is withdrawing from the world must be terrifying.
He may have symptoms consistent with schizophrenia or major depressive disorder. Not wanting to talk to therapists and restricting his eating sounds like paranoia.
I truly wish you and your son the best – but seriously, please go see a therapist who specializes with teenagers yourself and consult about your son.
So im on the spectrum have been kicked in the nuts by life and have arfid. Its not an easy life or situation. He needs a reason to get out of bed. Hes at rock bottom is sounds like taking the Xbox away and threatening to kick him out is just gonna make it worse. I dont know your soon but ive been in a similar place he needs a reason to get out of bed before anything is gonna change. Unfortunately its up to him he thinks its not worth it so he needs somthing to him that is worth it.
I do think hes probably on the spectrum im no doc but arfid and autism do have a fairly large overlap. He dose need mental health support but he someone who understands this stuff hears him life a friend not a therapist. Ive had better luck with a coach not a full therapist. If it was my kid Id have him working witu a career coach and get his ass in the gym. I wouldn’t throw him out thats not really gonna do anything but make it worse and maby make him homeless. At the end of the day its not gonns change before you want it to it only will when he wants it to. I know that’s not what u wanna hear but it’s my opinion from someone’s who’s lived it. Best of luck to both of you.
Lead with empathy. Ask a lot of questions. Be inquisitive and endearing. Do what good leaders do and he will come around. Let him know you are there and love him but are concerned. Find ways to keep comms open not closed. Find interest in his hobbies. I can give you more if you want.
Go to a gym. Not a super fancy one. One with down to earth people. Get him a trainer that trains powerlifting. He won’t want to do it to begin with. But he’ll catch on and fall in love once those numbers start to go up. I really believe this could help him. It pulled me out of my depression.
Firstly, I am so sorry you are going through this, I can’t imagine just how alone, afraid and lost you both likely feel. While this may be a very challenging notion to hear, it is so challenging because it goes against the very belief system that got you to where y’all are at. If I could recommend “Codependent No More” by Melody Baetty. This is a fantastic book I recommend to my clients who are struggling in a similar manner. Codependency is a term used in mental health, where an individual feels emotionally responsible and obliged to on the responsibilities of an individual. Often times, I hear in retort, “well I love my kid, what am I supposed to do, kick them out?” And I tell them maybe?
Developing boundaries is no easy feat, and unfortunately what you are dealing with is the final destination for lacking in boundaries and finding explanation for every boo boo.
What I tell my clients in therapy, “if you are doing this right, it will feel bad, shameful and wrong, which makes it so confusing.” What I mean is, when I make the recommendation of setting boundaries with their loved ones, they initially feel like “I am being a bad mother, I am being mean, I am kicking them when they are at their lowest,” all are false realities. A more apt reality- “I am struggling with life, I don’t know how to help my son that isn’t helping himself, I have to protect myself from this chaos and this is the best I can do for the moment.”
There is nothing wrong with this, nothing shameful, not a negative reflection on yourself, rather a reflection of the current circumstances.
I just want to let you know that you are not alone. It’s scary.
As a father, you need to come down hard on him. As a man, we donât get the same treatment as women. If we were to cry about something at work, weâd get kicked out and thought of as mental defective.
Force him to get out. Force him to get a job. Cut the food off. Cut any allowance.
I feel bad for you. Why didnât the father want to be In His life? Was he always like that? Or did you alienate him?
Thatâs tough. I seen several instagram vids of how men and women look at our sons.
Women look at them like heâs your baby and you have to do everything to protect him.
Men look at our sons like theyâre a 30 year old man. Even when theyâre young. We think loooong term.
It makes it super difficult when parents split and one alienate the other. Girls tend to do better without a father figure. Boys really suffer.
Look for local menâs group chapters and see if any of them are willing to mentor or spend time with your son. Iâm sorry but that sounds like a really difficult situation. Thereâs mentorship groups that work with young men as well, Iâm not sure what they all are called but these kinds of groups are usually willing to help with this sort of thing.
What Rum and Coke comes in a can resembling La Croix
At this point you might consider involuntary mental health inpatient treatment.
I think having a male role model that’s NOT part of your family is crucial for development. I would look for community leaders in churches, volunteer groups, rotary clubs, etc and see if someone can be a mentor for your son.
Totally serious hereâŚ
Take him to a good Brazilian Ji jitsu gym and get him around motivated guys like thatâŚbeginners are always welcome and embraced!
Or second take him to a true powerlifting gym not just planet fitness or something like that. Nicest people youâll ever meet.
Everyone is right about needing male role models and if you can find one that’ll be a big help.
Just for the record, schooling in the West IS hideously bigoted against boys and discrimination against white men in the workplace was allowed until the Supreme Court struck it down last year and is celebrated in this country. If you don’t tell the truth about that he will never listen to you.
But.
The correct response to that is to get angry and crush everyone fair and square anyway despite them cheating you. Because if you beat people who are cheating you fair and square, you’re head and shoulders better than them and always were.
He’s right we discriminate against white men. But if he beats other people in wealth or education anyway then hes better than they ever were.
Don’t tell him he’s not allowed to notice the modern world has an idiotic tendency to demonize white men. Tell him you trust him to use politics to defend himself as a white man (just like everyone else is allowed to use politics to defend themselves) while maintaining decency and goodness to women an minorities.
And as for getting him out of his funk, theres nothing like being needed for small goals that get more intense over time. Tell him you need him to do a chore because its too disgusting and men tolerate disgusting things better (absolutely true) or involves too much physical strain or money is getting tight in the house and you need $200 from him a month from a part time job. Getting the ball rolling is the key so start small.
Here’s my other comment from a lesbian parent asking about raising boys in case it helps:
“You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders so you’ll probably do fine but I’ll give the spiel anyway.
Male role models are not optional
Male sexuality and ambition need to be refined and not damaged no matter how you may personally feel about them. Becoming highly accomplished to impress girls isn’t sexism it’s normal.
Telling embarassing secrets to other people will severely damage their trust in you. Males are treated as not intrinsically valuable and easily ostracized and over punished which is why reputation and preventing vulnerabilities from being exploited is everything.
Getting a boy to stop doing something is a matter of making him understand what the explicit consequences to him or another person are. It either needs to cause problems to something he believes in or have direct negative consequences to him personally. Social disapproval alone is not enough because caving to social disapproval reads as weakness and if he thinks your morality is based on social disapproval rather than core principles you might lose his respect.
Male traits are dangerous if unrefined but trying to damage or to stamp them out is a huge mistake that will stunt them for decades and prevent them from fully trusting you. Instead you treat them as incredibly useful if treated as responsibilities to be used for others. You do not shame a boy for being naturally curious about and tolerant of dangerous, gross, sexual things. You teach him to handle those things to make other people feel safe. Especially porn. You treat his natural curiosity and risk tolerance about porn as a responsibility to protect girls from those ideas and images and being disturbed by them for years as lots of women are. That’s one example but it’s the general principle.
Other examples are having them do chores which are gross (a lesbian couple I knew made progress with their boys who were in substance abuse treatment by having them empty rat traps which made them feel useful as it was something the parents were less comfortable with) or involve heavy lifting.
Rob Henderson the psychologist points to the moment his lesbian foster parents told him they really needed him to get up early and chop firewood as they were too tired from working as a key moment in his development.
Minor scraps and learning to physically defend themselves are not optional. Most people are dumb animals at their core. Men struggle to respect a man who cant fight back and women struggle to want to have sex with them. Do contact sports that do not involve a significant risk of head injury like wrestling or Jiu Jitsu as well as weightlifting when they’re older to get them comfortable with physical confrontation.
Never make them feel like you’ve sold them out to someone outside the family. You need to be absolutely in their corner having their back whenever possible. Punish them or accept reasonable punishments from legitimate authority figures if they need that incentive not to do something again but that doesn’t mean not having their back. Frame punishment as paying a price to do the right thing and make the person they hurt whole again not as rejecting who they are as a person.
Cut any misandry talk right now if you want a meaningful relationship. Becoming immune to emotional cruelty from women is part of becoming a man but they can be vulnerable to it when they’re young or it comes from mothers or teachers.
Let them take risks and fail. Do not do any of their responsibilities for them.”
Get him active. Running, sports, working out, swimming. Something. Helps so so much in a depressive state
Force him to go outside on hikes walks Exercise helps depression I struggle with depression while you are walking donât talk much let him talk bribe him with food if you must or video game stuff. Is he responsible enough for a dog would he want 1 they really do help with depression! The gum Exercise helps the mind and will help break the cycle . He must want something so if he mowed the lawn every week and does the dishes or whatever for 3 month? buy him the thing? Force him somehow to do semi fun things if he was in a band buy him a concert ticket maybe or go with him.
Hey, firstâI just want to say this: you sound like a mom whoâs still showing up, even when itâs brutal. That matters more than you probably let yourself believe.
Itâs not just your son whoâs in painâyouâre grieving too. Youâre grieving the son you raised, the future you hoped heâd have, and maybe the belief that unconditional love would be enough to pull him out. Thatâs not weakness. Itâs reality. Youâre one person. And no one personâespecially not a mother aloneâis meant to carry this weight alone.
A few thoughts. Not fixes, but maybe lifelines:
What youâre seeingâdisconnection, hopelessness, isolationâisnât apathy. Itâs despair. Itâs what happens when someone has no clear sense of who they are, where they fit, or why they matter. That loss of meaning is the deeper illness. And it hits young men especially hard, because the old maps of manhood are goneâand nothingâs replaced them.
Right now, heâs likely buried in shame. And even well-meaning help might feel like judgment. Like, âGet your act together.â
But what he likely needs is someone who can reflect back his worthâsomeone who sees something good in him that he canât. That can come from a mentor, a group, a therapist, a communityâanyone whoâs been through it and made it out the other side. That connection has to feel earned and real.
If you can, look into local menâs groups (like the ManKind Project), Discord servers for mental health, or even subreddits like r/menslib. Anything that connects him to peers, not just authority figures.
Donât try to convince him otherwise at first. Ask. Get curious. âWhere do you see it? What does it feel like?â You might find heâs projecting deep personal pain onto a bigger worldview. Once thatâs expressed, it can start to separateâthe wound from the world.
Taking away his electronics wasnât wrong. It created a vacuumâbut that vacuum needs something to fill it. Start small. A walk together every day. A simple shared goal. Routine before ambition. A rhythm gives the body a pulse before the soul remembers what itâs beating for.
âIâll always love you. But I canât suffer for you. Youâre not aloneâbut you do have to move.â
Thatâs a hard boundary. But love isnât just comfortâitâs clarity. He needs to know the door is open, but it wonât be held forever. The path is his to walk. And thatâs okay.
Youâve done more than many would. Youâre still trying. But you canât keep giving if youâre empty. Look for supportâfor you. Whether itâs other parents, therapists for adult failure-to-launch dynamics, or even Reddit. Youâre not alone.
If I were his fatherânot biologically, but emotionallyâI wouldnât yell or push. Iâd sit next to him in silence, just let him talk. Then Iâd say, âOkay. That makes sense. Now whatâs one small thing we can tryâtogether?â
Thatâs how you rebuild something real. One human moment at a time.
And youâre not failing. Youâre just one of the few strong enough to speak it aloud. That makes you dangerousâin the best way.
Im going to add op i think he’s falling down internet rabbit holes, since he’s blaming his issues on the hardships of being a white man. I think continuing to push him out of the house, working, etc is a strong start to seeing the world isn’t always how the internet paints it in certain bubbles. Joining a sport would be a good idea, but I would still start with a job. I get your frustrations but taking away a grown man’s possessions feels ridiculous. Either he’s an adult or he isn’t. And if he is an adult he can figure out how to finance his interests, and contribute to the household.
So maybe Iâm giving bad advice here, but I swear by it.
Depression is really just how you view yourself and the world around you. He really needs to redirect his thoughts via reconfiguration.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
He wonât ever get out of Depression unless he starts putting in effort. And it really starts with the idea of âIâm actually worth it, so Iâll invest in myself, even if I feel like others donât believe Iâm worth it.â
So, that means things like getting out and getting sun. Exercising for even a little bit. Trying something that maybe heâs never done before just to do something different.
Eating good food. Not processed crap. Like fresh food, and eating every meal. Limiting screen time for a bit, and making sure sleep is a priortiy.
Male role models helpâŚ.but itâs not what will magically solve the situation. Iâve mostly grown up with my mom and women in my family; my dad was very absent. Iâm used to it. đ¤ˇââď¸
If he starts to invest in himself, things should pick up. But itâs not instantly. Itâs a slow and long process.
Unfortunately you CANT help him. The only right answer is that he’s gotta leave the nest. Staying at home with parents can actually make it much worse. Once he builds up some independence living on his own (check in on him obviously) then he will start to get out of the rut.
If he’s on the screen in moms basement for 16 hours a day of course he’s going to be depressed.
My mom is my “strong male leadership” and seeing her do her best is everything I ever needed.
Take him to an actual psychiatrist. Not therapy.  No. No. And no.  He needs a proper evaluation and an actual diagnosis of whatever is his disorder is: depression, ADHD, autism, OCD, etc.
Once you know what’s wrong, then it can be treated.  That when counseling can help. Â
If the psychiatrist finds that he is mentally competent and he still refuses treatment and medication, then he can’t stay at your house anymore.  He’s a grown adult.  You’ve done your job already.
Rules for him to continue living with you are: meds, counseling, contributing economically to living there.
You may have to kick him out a few times before he takes everything seriously.
In the meantime no enabling. Cancel all his subscriptions that you are paying for. If he wants a phone, electronics, games, subscriptions, etc.  He has to buy them.
Milenials. Have one here 25, never leaves house, plays video games all night, he was cut off during day..I dont get it at all
One day mom’s need to realize how much of a problem they are before it gets to this point. This behavior is the result of setting these expectations.
21?! Oof. A man that age shouldnât be living with his single mom, unless heâs contributing. Set a solid boundary. Get a job by this date. Get your own place by this date. If he doesnât have to he wonât. Let him live.
Metal health wise, I donât really know what to tell you. But as a father of young men, nothing motivates like hunger and boredom.
Iâve had multiple friends who got a lot out of the âbook 12 rules for lifeâ by Jordan Peterson. I read it as well and itâs got some very helpful lessons in it.
Literally kick them to the curb and let them fend for themselves. Men know that the world does not care about their feelings. Step up and make something of yourself, contribute and make the world a better place. Itâs your duty to do so to the best of your abilities and if you donât want to, go be a bum.
as a young adult who suffers from bipolar and anxiety depression, I know that something that works for me is for someone to encourage and gently force me to do some physical work. this might include going to the gym together for a few hours or even cutting firewood together. something that will get the blood and muscles working. cause in the end of a day’s work, you get that good shot of dopamine and healthy hormones that help boost mood and mental health. not only does it do that but it also can take your mind off things and even possibly allow letting some steam out with the energy being used. again the hardest part of encouraging the engagement. do it on a scheduled reguler basis, and this should also build up routine.
hope this helps and I wish you and your son well.
Hahahahahaha thiseeree asshole!
She would write like your father’s lady! đđ˝đŤđ¤đ˝