I ‘35M’ find myself in a tough spot. I’ve been seeing this woman ‘33F’ for about 7 months. We had both had come out of long term relationships and we both agreed to take things slow and not to label anything. Inevitably we both caught feelings and while I’ve asked her to make things official she’s told me on several occasions that while she enjoys spending time with me she does not want to commit because of my communication skills. To her credit I did have some problematic behaviors that I have since addressed and made major improvements. I’ve been in therapy, have learned how to communicate, such as not making assumptions, asking clarifying questions, not raising my voice, giving each other space when things get heated. I’ve also learned how to regulate my emotions and so on. While my behavior isn’t perfect, I’ve come a very long way. She on the other had had a difficult time accepting that she has resorted to some problematic behaviors such as defensiveness, deflection, resorting to sarcasm and teasing when I’m trying to have serious conversions. I’ve tried to address this with her and it hasn’t been very easy. She also lacks accountability a lot of the time. So when she puts it on me as for the reason being my lack of communication skills that she doesn’t want to commit it feels like a slap in the face. I told her I was heart broken but that I accepted it and thanked her for the honesty and told her I can no longer continue things and wished her the best. The next day she texts me trying to explain herself that she didn’t appreciate that I’ve called her avoidant and cruel (although I stop doing so months ago after she voiced that out). She also said that she always felt like she could never meet the level of affection that I wanted. I responded by letting her know that her level of affection was never an issue, I validated her feeling and the position I put her in while navigating my previous toxic behaviors but that I could not longer stay in this and keep hiding our relationship. She kept saying that I wanted to go from 0 to 100, it honestly felt like I was being gaslit. She was bothered that I wasn’t telling ppl that I was seeing someone but I explained to her that I didn’t want to because she was always very hot and cold with me and that I didn’t want to ruin her image before we even commit to each other. She then tells me she’s sick and like a dumbass I offer to come over and take care of her which she agreed to. And now it’s back to how things were before. The reality is that I cannot do this anymore. I feel like a placeholder and just plain being used. I just don’t know what to do. Can someone please give me some advice on how to leave this toxic situation. Thank you.
TLDR: how to leave a situationship after 7 months when she doesn’t want to commit but she also doesn’t want to let you go.
Comments
You say “This isn’t working for me any more, so I am ending it.”
You don’t have to explain further, you don’t have to give her reasons that she will accept, you don’t require her agreement or permission, and the more you try to dance around the issue using weasel words to “soften the blow” because you are afraid of upsetting her or hurting her feelings, the more opportunities you give her to redirect the conversation away from the simple truth (which is “it’s over”) and instead get you wrapped up in arguing about irrelevancies that don’t change the fact that you have already decided that it’s over.
So be direct, be to the point, be clear…and then be done, and walk away.