My mom is older, and im not, to be honest she has been an amazing mom, despite circumstances that haven’t been great all her life, but i have resentment, im not sure why, i know she has said things in her past that have hurt, and a few things she did such as never divorcing my dad (for shitty religous reasons) despite him ruining her life, i want to let go, i love my mom dearly but i just hold out this resentment that i want gone and i dont know how.
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It sounds like you need to talk to a therapist. Sometimes these things are hard to work through on our own.
I was able to bury my resentment for my mom for 20 years, and we had a good relationship. She beat the crap out of me until I was soft kicked out at 14 (my parents would pay rent, and payed for college). We did ok for a long time. When she had a stroke, I was the only one she could talk to because I knew what she was trying to say.
When she died, I felt very little. Sure, I cried during her favorite song, but she had hit me so many times that was all I thought about. Anyway- living through that resentment now. At first I was super sad about it…now, it is OK. She did some bad things. It is ok to resent them.
So sorry, it’s best to talk to your mom about it and talk to a therapist to help you process your emotions and feel better. Sometimes, it’s because of an unhealed pain from childhood trauma, while others experience that because they don’t know how to deal with a certain emotion on a certain situation.
You don’t. Just like grief resentment is something you don’t overcome you learn to live with and build a new future with. Talk to a therapist and build the future you want.
I recommend this book…Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents.
and therapy.
It does not really go away. My wife still has resentment towards her parents for being abusive when she was younger. She has forgiven them both especially her dad before he passed away. But it’s still there. Just like losing a loved one. That feeling never goes away. It just gets easier over time. Just try to work on your relationship with her. See a family counselor together. Work on issues. Live for the now not the past. You can’t change what happened. You can change the present and future.
I don’t know if this will work, but you can try redirecting your thoughts when you feel resentment.
Start with a deep breath and let it out slowly as if you’re making a candle flame flicker but not go out.
Next, think about something good related to your mom, and smile.
My theory is that the pleasant thoughts will help mitigate the resentful thoughts. While it may not push the resentment out completely, it might make it not feel so bad.
I’m wondering how old you are. Developmentally it matters. Older teens and young adults are in the process of separating their identity from their parents and being frustrated and angry at the parent is a natural byproduct of that. If you’re getting ready to go away to college or move out on your own, either one of you could be feeling it. It’s about it being easier to leave mad than sad. So maybe if this rings true, you can realize that maybe it’s part of the process and not take it too seriously. Every human has faults and makes mistakes, even your mom. Maybe try writing all the things you can’t let go of down. Purge it on paper and burn it immediately. It’s not for her to read. It’s an exercise for you to let go of it.