My dad (60) and I (31F) have had a turbulent relationship for as long as I can remember. My mum left him when I was two due to his abusive behaviour, but she still wanted me to have a relationship with him. I’d see him on weekends, though most of the time was spent in pubs, with the occasional trip to the park.
When I was seven, he moved abroad. I’ve been told it was to avoid paying child maintenance (my mum struggled to keep afloat as she was trying to rise me on just her wage alone). After that, I barely saw him. He returned to the UK during my teens, and I reconnected with him when I was 18. Again, our time together mostly revolved around pubs, which I didn’t mind as I was old enough to drink. We’d sing karaoke and go fishing, and for a while, it felt like we were building something. But then he moved abroad again in my twenties, and since then, I’ve only seen him once or twice a year.
He’s come back to the UK several times without telling me. I’ve only found out because I happened to call him. For example, on Father’s Day I have called him and he has casually mentioned he was over. When I said I’d come see him, he told me not to bother because he was flying back the next day.This has happened twice on Fathers Days, on my birthday and a few times when I have seen his friends post things on Facebook.
He rarely remembers my birthday. He forgot my 30th and only called me three days later. He did remember this year and wished my HBD on Facebook on the actual day which made me happy as normally his lack of communication on my birthday leaves me feeling flat. I’ve recently found out through relatives that when they ask if he’s seen me, he says I’m “too busy” to see him. This has led his side of the family to see me as a spoiled only-child who only cares about money. This lie has slowly been exposed and I now have a better relationship with those on my dad’s said that I have spoken to about it.
When I’ve visited him abroad, he doesn’t seem to know how to talk to me. He makes comments about my weight and how much I eat. He’s snapped at me and left me at a bar with his friends with no money or way of getting home. He has also stated that he has taken the week of work whilst i’m over to only go back to work the day after I have arrived. He has made the trips so uncomfortable that my partner no longer feels okay going with me. He’s constantly making comments about his lack of grandchildren.
Recently, we all went abroad for a relatives funeral. He was clearly devastated, and I understand he was in shock. But he barely spoke to me. He snapped when I followed him out of the service to check on him as he was the first to leave the service, and again when I offered to get him food at the bar we were in with everyone as he hadn’t eaten for two days. When I tried to talk to him, I got one-word replies. The only time he spoke to me properly was when he was drunk and even then, it was brief.
I could go on and no. I feel awful. He’s given me money, sometimes he will pay for me to visit him and he has recently given me a few thousand pounds toward my wedding, and I’m genuinely grateful. But I feel hypocritical for accepting it. As I’ve gotten older, his behaviour toward me seems to be getting worse. He says he loves me and that I am all he has, but he doesn’t act like it. I feel gaslit.
I’m his only child. I still want a relationship with him. I love him. I don’t want him to be alone, and I don’t want to live with the regret of not trying. But every time I see him, it breaks my heart. He treats me more like an acquaintance than his daughter.
How can I maintain/build a relationship with him? – I just feel completely at a loss.
TL;DR – daughter with a long, painful history with my dad. He was abusive to my mum, moved abroad to avoid responsibility, and has become emotionally distant. Our relationship has mostly revolved around pubs, brief visits, and uncomfortable interactions—often marked by criticism, neglect, and one-sided effort. He forgets important dates, avoids contact, and misrepresents me to his family. Despite this, I still love him and want a relationship, but it’s breaking my heart. I feel gaslit, torn between guilt, hope of a better relationship and the fear of future regret.
Comments
Why do you want a relationship with someone who is so damaging for your mental health and has shown no care towards you since you were born?
Let go of anything that doesn’t serve you.
You can’t.
He’s not a good person, and being around him WILL wear on you.
The money he’s handing you now is nothing compared to how much he SHOULD have spent raising you, or helping your mother raise you. You shouldn’t feel grateful at all for his petty cash now.