I’m looking for advice, perspective, and maybe a little hope from people who have been through something similar.
Here’s the story:
I (F-31) have been friends with a guy — let’s call him D (34) — for about 16 years.
Back then, we would just hang out — the two of us — purely as friends. We would laugh so much together. Looking back now, I realize he was probably flirting, even if I didn’t recognize it at the time. Even then I loved him, and I’ve never stopped.
Around 12 years ago, we hooked up — and that ended up being the last time I saw him in person, until recently. He moved an hour away and I ended up in an abusive relationship.
Over the years, we stayed friendly through social media. Even after all that time, our friendship still feels the same — like he sees me and I see him. Only now… it feels like he doesn’t want to be seen.
A few days before we reunited, D drunkenly Snapchatted me things like, “If I ever got married, it would be to you. You laugh at all the dumb shit I say. And I love your laugh.” It made me believe he still felt something.
When we finally reunited, for me it was electric. He enthusiastically hugged me, like he was genuinely happy to see me. We laughed like no time had passed. He catered to me the whole night — making sure I was comfortable, making me laugh, showing me around, just generally making me feel safe and important. He was complimenting my laugh that he’s always known — making me feel seen.
He invited me to stay over. I asked if he wanted me to take the couch. He said I could sleep in his room with him and “I’m not going to do anything weird.” Nothing physical happened, but the connection was real.
The next morning was quieter — a little shy, maybe — but not cold. When he drove me back to my car, we still laughed together. We talked about music and my kids. I can’t get his face out of my mind with the way he stared into my eyes for so long when we said goodbye. It felt like something good was there.
You see, we’ve both been through a lot of shit in our short lives, and to me it feels like an unspoken connection where we really see each other. Seeing the pain in each other without even speaking on it. Also we both enjoy dark humor.
A day later, I got nervous and confessed that I had feelings for him. He said, “I don’t know… I’m in a weird place.” He said he had convinced himself he wanted to be alone.
I knew he had been depressed lately.
When I asked if we could at least try, he said, “Yes, we can try,” and even suggested that we could do something together when he was in town soon.
But that never happened.
I ended up in his town a couple weeks later running an errand. I told him days in advance I would be there and I would like to see him. When that evening came it was weird. He helped me put one of my ear piercings back in and we talked a bit. We watched Bob’s Burgers in the living room with his roommate lmao. I like the show, the vibe was just off. I felt like I shouldn’t be there but I couldn’t find the proper exit strategy. He ended up going out for a smoke and we talked a bit more before I left and let the neighborhood cats. There was another long goodbye hug with an undertone of sadness.
After that, he grew distant. Communication became one-sided. I decided to back off and give him space. I was wanting to text him too much and I was even annoyed with myself. I deleted him on Snapchat.
Then last night happened:
I ended up back in his city. I had plans to meet up with a friend who bailed on me last minute.
D knew I would be at the bar where he works.
Feeling abandoned and emotional, I ended up getting drunk there. He saw it happening. He was friendly when I first got there, but once we were outside heading to his car he became angry with me. I didn’t think I was acting absurd at all, but apparently my voice was at a higher volume. He knows I’m loud. He didn’t sign up for me going home with him… It wasn’t the plan. He accused me of doing it on purpose.
I wish I had just stayed at the bar and sobered up instead of going home with him. I was drunk, embarrassed, and desperate to feel close to him again. When we got back to his place we were laying on his bed and I was stroking his beard and running my fingers through his hair. I complimented him on not balding lmao. He went to play games on his PC and I went to sleep. When morning came I was sober, so I cuddled up to him, and he allowed it.
We laid in bed and had our phones out, taking turns showing each other videos we found funny, while I had my chin on his shoulder. It felt nice just laughing with him.
When he dropped me off at my car this morning he unbuckled his seat belt, even though he wasn’t getting out, and turned to hug me. I said something about wanting a proper goodbye because I felt this was the last time I was going to see him and I put my arms around his neck. “Maybe again in 12 years” I said. He was like “shut up, we’ll hang out when I come to my town”
I made my disbelief of that clear.
He knew I wanted him to kiss me. He said no.
I asked him if he didn’t like me. He avoided the question and said he didn’t want to kiss anyone. He apologized. I said goodbye. He saw that I was annoyed and said “I love you” in a friendly way, as if to say don’t hate me, as I was getting out of the car. I just said “okay,” shut the door and walked to my car. What I really wanted to say was “Not like I love you.”
Now I’m left feeling humiliated, heartbroken, and confused.
Was he just being polite the whole time? Did he change his mind about me after seeing me in person?
(For context: my appearance has changed since we were younger — I’ve gained weight, probably about 50lbs, mostly in my tummy and my giant knockers; anyway I’m extremely self-conscious about it.)
I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to fight for him because the bond felt real. Another part of me knows I probably have to accept it’s over and start healing.
Has anyone been through something similar?
How do you move forward after caring so much about someone who just wants to fade away?
Any advice would mean a lot.
TL;DR I made a fool of myself for someone that really just doesn’t like me that much lol.