For context, I recently lost my cat, and I have also been divorced after 7 years. From my experience, it seems that love will only inevitably lead to pain, so I feel like it is something that I should avoid at all cost. I never want a cat or other pet ever again, because that heartache was so much to bear. I also feel that even if I find a new relationship, it will still always lead to sadness at some point down the line when my partner passes. Even my family I feel like I just want to isolate and distance myself from so when they pass away I will not be so sad.
So how do I get over this fear of love? I am in therapy, but it has not seemed to help yet.
Comments
You’re not wrong for fearing love after loss, but cutting yourself off from connection to avoid pain is just another way of choosing a slower heartbreak. Love always risks grief, but it’s also the only thing that makes that grief worth surviving.
Isolating yourself will not protect you from heartbreak. You’ll only feel more heartbroken and even regretful, because you weren’t there to say goodbye. Losing a loved one is definitely hard. I’ve lost my little brother, dad and many aunts, uncles and cousins over the years. The grief eventually gets a bearable point, and life must move forward anyway. You’re only holding yourself back, and it won’t get you anywhere if you continue to live in fear. If you feel like therapy isn’t helping, try to find another therapist. Because one thing for sure, your fear will only grow, therefore hold you back even more. Life is too short to live in fear, it’s too short to not love with everything you got. Death will come for us all one day, so live for today with no regrets.
The truth is that everything will lead to death eventually . Pain is what is part of life. Just gotta think to urself whether u wanna enjoy and feel pain later or be still and still feel pain .
My guy life is full of pain. The only things that don’t feel it are dead. There’s also beauty, joy and all the great and terrible things that come with being alive. If you want to be alive you have to be willing to feel pain from time to time. Feel your feels and move on. You got this.
You know, I don’t know everything so take what you like and leave the rest. It can help to learn a lot about emotional regulation and emotional self care… if you think you are well practiced, there maybe be an even higher level that would be supportive. It may help to change your relationship to your feelings. When I’m heartbroken, I actually feel a strong sense of comfort that I’m allowed to be devastated and I love myself in that moment and I accept myself and it feels like a relief… but if I was afraid of feeling devastated and I didn’t accept that, it would probably be scary and unpleasant… someone once told me that nothing worth doing is simply easy… and that mostly feels true to me. I’m really sensitive and I love deeply, and it’s to the point where I think if my spouse died, I might be one of those people who passes away naturally right after them… just kind of knowing this about myself and accepting that it’s possibly an aspect of my life kind of keeps me taking actions that make me happy in spite of whatever heartbreak life brings my way. I find my emotions more painful when I don’t have enough space for them in my life, so my advice is to do what you can to make more space for them when you’re safe to do so. I do therapy and journaling a lot and I also ask for support from my really close friends sometimes. I also think it’s okay to be abit afraid of love and do silly things as a result. Everyone is human and we sort of navigate our defense mechanisms with varying degrees of awareness and it often turns out well enough. I try to stay present when I’m noticing that my life is going well and there are things I’d like to be enjoying. I just give myself permission to be happy for the next 30 minutes and trust that I can handle the consequences after that sometimes. Anyway, good luck.
It’s better to have lost at love
Then never to have loved at all
I’m so sorry you’re carrying this pain. I know exactly how you’re feeling. But love isn’t just the cause of pain; it’s also the thing that makes life rich, even when it hurts. Choosing to love again isn’t denial of grief…it’s defiance of despair. You’re not broken for being afraid. You’re human. Keep showing up. Even cracked hearts can hold light.
Your deep pain is a reflection of your deep love …. many kitties need rescue and you sound as if you Need that little soul once you’re thru mourning honey…
It’s not love you fear. It’s the fear of loss. But nothing is truly lost. It merely changes form.
Perfect love has no fear.
There are only 2 fears in this world.
The fear of loss of that which we seek ( fearing we won’t get something then fearing we will lose it)
The fear of loss of that which we try to avoid ( fearing we will gain something we dont want then fear we can’t get rid of it )
It’s the prey and predator dilemma. Chasing the prey ( seeking), running from the predator (avoiding)
But we need both. Get too much prey and you get fat and slow. Get caught by the predator and you get eaten.
This is the survival mindset running your story. Not the resilient, adaptable, poised, present, grateful, authentic you. The survival mindset works great for emergencies but not for daily living. It will take up time and space in your mind with FEAR
It’s the distorted version of love that fears. A version that is one-sided. All fantasy(How it ought to be instead of how it is)
Relationships come with support and challenge, pleasure and pain, upsides and downsides.
It’s the addiction to ONE without the other that causes us to seek or avoid. To cling or to escape.
Grief is a part of this world my dear as a reminder of how much we loved. ( My dog of 10 years passed away 4 days ago on May 27th, 2025, my father passed away last year on June 29th, 2024) I’m familiar with the pain. It takes away your breath
But oh, what an incredible experience i GOT to have for 10 years with that dog. How lucky I was to have something so wonderful.What an incredible privilege it was to have a father that lived till he was 76.
Did it hurt? Oh for sure.
Did I cry? Oh for sure.
Will my spouse one day pass. Oh for sure.
Will other pets pass. For sure.
So why do it? Why love if you will experience pain.
Why watch a movie?
Why look at sunset?
Why share your life with another?
Why travel if you have to leave?
For the experience to FEEL. Fully feel.
But I want you to remind you of something. The reason we love so hard is not because they give us something we don’t have, it’s because they remind us of what we have forgotten that we do.
They make us feel seen, heard, valued, wanted (belong), and loved unconditionally without judgement the way WE want.
But its not even that.
It’s the recognition of BEING seen, Being heard, Being valued, Being wanted, Being loved that pulls us.
Pets don’t give that. They mirror that. They show what was already in you. And you mirror it back to them.
You see them, you hear them, you value them, you want them, you love them and to the degree you show this to others (human or animal) is to the extent YOU WILL FEEL ( seen, heard, valued, loved, and belong) in return.
Grief is not a problem to solve, It’s a bridge to walk over.
It’s on the way, not in the way.
And as humans we all we will walk it. It’s unavoidable.
But in doing so, we can look back and see why we grieved. It’s because we loved. It’s because we chose to love. And what a joy it is to get the opportunity to love for however long that is… 1 week, 1 month, 1 year, 10 years, a life time.
So don’t try to avoid the bridge, it’s there to teach you something about you.
Cross that bridge with a full heart. Honor those who came in and loved you enough that it broke you open when they transitioned. Let it break you open so you can look back with tears of gratitude.
No need to make decisions today but give yourself permission to be opened wide by love and feel the full extent of it.
Like everything in life, you don’t get a pleasure without a pain. Like a magnet. No matter how you cut it, you will experience both the positive and the negative. They come as a pair.
You get the pleasure of a relationship ( with a human or dog) and the pain of letting them go. ( or they letting you go)
True unconditional love is not a one-sided fantasy, it is loving people for WHO THEY ARE and in doing so we feel loved for WHO WE ARE. No longer trying to get rid of half of them or half of ourself. That is “unconditional” love.
Firstly I’m so sorry for the loss of your cat ❤️🩹 I’ve lost pets and I know how much it hurts and how much you feel like your heart will never heal again. I lost my childhood dog in 2010 and I still miss her very much. I have her ashes in my bedroom so she is always with me🥰
I think when it comes to loving humans, I can’t help you I’m afraid, much as I’d like to. There is always a “wild card” element when it comes to people that I can’t defend.
Animals though? I would recommend them to anyone! Yes, of course they are unfortunately going to leave us one day but the love, happiness, loyalty and support that they bring into our lives whilst they are in it is just something that you can’t get anywhere else.
The only way to overcome your fear of love, in my opinion, is to open your heart and love again. Maybe adopt a different cat, one who doesn’t look anything like your old one or maybe go completely different and adopt a dog instead and slowly let him/her show you how to love again in their own goofy way.
Wishing you peace and happiness OP ♥️
You are only in pain because these things did bring happiness and joy into your life. That helps me when I have the same thoughts as you.
As Westley said in The Princess Bride, Life is Pain. There’s no getting away from that. So, you have a choice. Do you want a life of nothing but sadness and loneliness and pain, because you are frightened to love and you spend your life alone? Or do you want a life of love and happiness and joy, mixed with sadness and loss and grief? I choose the second option.