I (32f) am recently engaged to my fiancé (30m). Since my recent engagement, I’ve been super eager to include my closest friends in the celebration. However, the vibe from (edit who I thought would be in) my bridal party has been a bit off, leaving me a little confused and honestly disappointed. *edit I have not asked anyone to be in the wedding. These are just who I wanted to include and celebrate the most with.
For some backstory, my fiancé has a core group of guy friends since high school. He has four guys he wants to ask. I on the other hand of a smaller group of friends, but four people to stand up in my bridal party I didn’t think was going to be a problem. One: our mutual friend who set us up. My roommate: her and her boyfriend have been super supportive and involved our whole relationship. My sister and then one of my good friends since elementary school.
This is where the problem comes in. My fiancé told my roommate and her boyfriend when he was planning to propose. They both told me on two separate occasions and ruined the surprise. I didn’t let my fiancé know because he’d work so hard and I was just excited. It kind of rubbed me the wrong way but I chalked it up to they were making sure my hair, make up, clothes were ready to go.
Engagement happens perfectly we are over the moon and I start sending pictures and texts to my friends and family. (Where I was had bad reception so the first people I tried to call didn’t go through)
We get home and it was clear that my fiancé’s friends were genuinely excited for him, but my friends seemed less into it. I shared the news and was waiting for some enthusiastic reactions, but instead, I got crickets from my potential bridal party but my sister. This has made me question how much support I can truly expect from them I wanted by my side on such a big day.
We have been engaged now for over a week and I still haven’t really heard from anybody. My sister took me out to dinner and gushed over everything. All of his friends took us out and we’re hugging us and wanting to hear everything and so excited. But the people I wanted to have in my wedding have not exactly ghosted me, but haven’t even brought up the engagement. When I got home, my roommate started talking about her work, her birthday coming up, and random things. Never asked to see the ring, never asked to hear the story, didn’t ask start planning. It just felt weird. My one friend who set us up sent back a one word ‘congrats’ and that was it. Never called, never reached out, ever stopped by. My last friend I was going to ask sent back ‘whaaaaaat’ and I sent a video of the engagement and haven’t heard from them since.
Am I reading too much into this? I see how his guy friends are reacting to his engagement, which is 10 times more excited and invested in my girlfriends. At this rate, the only person I have standing up next to me is my sister. My sister is my ride or die so I have no problem it just being her and me, but this is hitting me harder than I thought.
For a little bit of context, this isn’t surprising but it’s disappointing. I’ve always been the responsible ‘parent’ in my friend group. I just thought that my huge life moment would make them pay attention a little bit better. I feel like I know what’s going happen if I confront them. They’re going to be the martyr and give me a weird backhanded apology about how were they supposed to know I wanted to talk about it… but when it comes to people standing next to me in my wedding…I want to people to be supportive. So do I confront them, see if they ever bring it up, or just find new friends?
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: I (32f) am recently engaged to my fiancé (30m). Since my recent engagement, I’ve been super eager to include my closest friends in the celebration. However, the vibe from my bridal party has been a bit off, leaving me a little confused and honestly disappointed.
For some backstory, my fiancé has a core group of guy friends since high school. He has four guys he wants to ask. I on the other hand of a smaller group of friends, but four people to stand up in my bridal party I didn’t think was going to be a problem. One: our mutual friend who set us up. My roommate: her and her boyfriend have been super supportive and involved our whole relationship. My sister and then one of my good friends since elementary school.
This is where the problem comes in. My fiancé told my roommate and her boyfriend when he was planning to propose. They both told me on two separate occasions and ruined the surprise. I didn’t let my fiancé know because he’d work so hard and I was just excited. It kind of rubbed me the wrong way but I chalked it up to they were making sure my hair, make up, clothes were ready to go.
Engagement happens perfectly we are over the moon and I start sending pictures and texts to my friends and family. (Where I was had bad reception so the first people I tried to call didn’t go through)
We get home and it was clear that my fiancé’s friends were genuinely excited for him, but my friends seemed less into it. I shared the news and was waiting for some enthusiastic reactions, but instead, I got crickets from my potential bridal party but my sister. This has made me question how much support I can truly expect from them I wanted by my side on such a big day.
We have been engaged now for over a week and I still haven’t really heard from anybody. My sister took me out to dinner and gushed over everything. All of his friends took us out and we’re hugging us and wanting to hear everything and so excited. But the people I wanted to have in my wedding have not exactly ghosted me, but haven’t even brought up the engagement. When I got home, my roommate started talking about her work, her birthday coming up, and random things. Never asked to see the ring, never asked to hear the story, didn’t ask start planning. It just felt weird. My one friend who set us up sent back a one word ‘congrats’ and that was it. Never called, never reached out, ever stopped by. My last friend I was going to ask sent back ‘whaaaaaat’ and I sent a video of the engagement and haven’t heard from them since.
Am I reading too much into this? I see how his guy friends are reacting to his engagement, which is 10 times more excited and invested in my girlfriends. At this rate, the only person I have standing up next to me is my sister. My sister is my ride or die so I have no problem it just being her and me, but this is hitting me harder than I thought.
For a little bit of context, this isn’t surprising but it’s disappointing. I’ve always been the responsible ‘parent’ in my friend group. I just thought that my huge life moment would make them pay attention a little bit better. I feel like I know what’s going happen if I confront them. They’re going to be the martyr and give me a weird backhanded apology about how were they supposed to know I wanted to talk about it… but when it comes to people standing next to me in my wedding…I want to people to be supportive. So do I confront them, see if they ever bring it up, or just find new friends?
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You dont have to have a bridal party. Dont choose people just because you feel like you have too.
You need to communicate with them like adults.
You could very well br wrong about their reactions. (Maybe not) but you need to al least give them the benefit of explaining themselves.
Go in with curiosity, not accusing and see what happens.
But yes, cutting off friends without a word because they weren’t excited enough when you expected it would, well, make YOU the bad friend
They very intentionally ruined your surprise engagement. Are they jealous? Do they not like your fiance?
when i got married, everyone i had standing next to me was over the moon for us and there for me and my husband through it all, through our relationship and the whole engagement/wedding process. i’d say that if they’re not genuinely happy or excited for you, don’t include them just for the sake of having a bridal party. it’s a huge day for you and you should have people who want to be there for you, without being prompted to show support and happinesses. just my take, congratulations!
Seems very strange that they told you twice and managed to spoil the surprise. I think OP is giving way too much grace by attributing it to them wanting to make sure that her appearance was perfect.
A good rule of thumb is that no one cares about your wedding as much as you do, but this lack of excitement about getting engaged is just odd.
Seems like your roommate is the big one. Your sister is good. For the other two friends, I think it’s hard to say without knowing your normal dynamic and how much you talk to them. I would be inclined to give the “whaaaat” friend a pass, she expressed excitement. That one probably just hurts more because of the others. I’d be curious how often you talk to her, or the “congrats” friend: if you talk to them regularly, maybe it’s unusual that they haven’t checked into how the engagement is feeling, but if not, then I’m not sure it’s fair to expect that dynamic to change suddenly.
Your roommate is clearly not treating this like the big deal it deserves to be, despite interacting with you on a daily basis, and after the way she’s acted it’s fair to wonder if the ruining of the proposal might have been on purpose or accidental but coming from a place of dislike for your relationship. I think that merits a real heart-to-heart asking how she feels about it and where she’s at with the two of you.
Beyond that, as others have said, you don’t have to have a bridal party, or have a certain number of people. If you would’ve asked those other friends before then I don’t think these should be dealbreakers, but if you’re close enough to them that you’re comfortable having a real emotional talk then it could be worth checking in with them to explain how you’re feeling.
Trust me when I say this if your friends aren’t excited about your engagement, they will not be excited to help you plan a wedding, to throw you a bridal shower, to throw you a bachelorette party, to go dress shopping with you, to be enthusiastic and supportive at your wedding rehearsal, and to be there for you on your most important day of your life. Choose your team wisely.
Playing devil’s advocate here, but being in a wedding party is expensive and time consuming. If the friends that you expected to be excited for you weren’t giving you the vibe that you’d want them standing by your side on the big day…and excitement is free), I doubt the cost and time restraints are going to be met with enthusiasm.
It sounds like you already know these friends aren’t your close friends, at least not close enough to want them in your wedding.
If you think you’re going to get a manipulative response, I assume as experience, then you know your answer. As someone who is also the group mom for a few friend groups, you’re usually the last one to get the same kind of response to your news because they are used to receiving gifts, attention, whatever, instead of giving.
Move on with life. Get together with them and see how it goes. Don’t bring up the wedding and see how it goes. Maybe they all assume you’re going to ask them to be bridesmaids and are just waiting or truly don’t care, but that get together should tell you what you need to know and you can proceed accordingly.
You say you haven’t heard from anyone yet detail all the responses. You’re overreacting & creating your own problems. Just because you’re engaged doesn’t mean that’s everyone’s priority & only topic of conversation.
My take: you’re “the responsible ‘parent’ in my friend group.” I don’t think they want to have to expend the energy for your wedding that you usually expend on the people in the group. The fact that they spoiled your engagement says a lot. They knew what they were doing. They didn’t want to help with the surprise. They weren’t trying to help you be prepared by alerting you so you could tend to your looks.
If you still are not sure their stance (but I think you should be now with their half hearted responses to your engagement,) ask them point blank. “You don’t seem interested in being in my wedding party. Are you not?” If they still seem uninterested put the kibosh on their involvement. You don’t need that attitude. Either find people who match your joy or just go with your sister.
And drop these energy suckers. Once you’re married you’re not going to want people like that in your life.
Do they disapprove of your fiancee or not like him?
I wasn’t thrilled when a friend was engaged to an abusive asshole. I’m not implying your fiancee isn’t perfect, but they might not support the marriage for some reason.
Or, they’re just being selfish brats who aren’t as good friends as you thought they were.
Honestly, you could just have your sister and a groomsman… you don’t need a huge bridal party.
Or, it could just be that with everything going on in people’s lives they may not have the energy to be as proactive as you’re wanting.
Sometimes people don’t meet our expectations. It’s not because they suck but could be because we either have expectations that are unrealistic for some reason, OR we haven’t communicated our needs.
It could be that they don’t want to be pushy or have issues in their own lives sucking their energy.
Check in with your friends and ask them explicitly if they’re interested in being part of your day. It’s ok to even ask if it’s too much or if they really have the time and energy.
It’s likely less about them not being excited for you than having other stuff going in their own lives that’s dragging them down.
Either way, best of luck to you.
It seems like your friends probably think you should not marry that man or know that being in a brudal party is expensive for no reason.
But really, it’s been a week. You don’t even have a date yet, so what are they supposed to be planning or gushing over?
They aren’t your friends.
I mean if you never reached out again, would they ever call or text you?
You don’t need a big bridal party. You need your sister- that’s it.
Also tell your fiancé what your roommate and her bf did. They aren’t your friends either.
Could it be that none of those women want to pony up tons of money, time and effort? I wouldn’t blame anyone for not wanting to spend up to $1000s of dollars to “celebrate their friend’s special day” .
The horror stories of brides having wild expectations that bridesmaids will pay lavish bachelorette trips, parties, dresses, makeup, hair, gifts…
I’m not saying that you expect all that, but they might THINK you do.
So your sister was excited. Another one said congrats (what else were you expecting?) The roomie seems like a nasty piece of work. She cares enough to ruin the surprise but not enough to say congrats. As for the other one clearly they don’t care that much for whatever reason. Maybe they are holding back specifically hoping you don’t ask them to be in the bridal party. If you do ask any of them make sure you lay out the time, financial & task expectations and discuss if that works for them.
Just at a wedding 11 groomsmen and 4 bridesmaids.
I mean I don’t know these people and can’t read their minds, but I know that I am 41 and have been with my partner for 5 years, and when my colleague announced her engagement I was DEAD-JEALOUS. She went around the office telling her engagement story over 20 times (it’s a large office) and around mid-day I couldn’t stand it anymore and feigned illness to log in at home.
I kept being nice and faking smiles and pretending to be excited. But I am jealous – yes, and I don’t particularly like to talk about anyone’s wedding other than my own at this point!!!!
Then, in the meantime, my sister announces her wedding to her longtime partner and it feels different. I’m happy and excited for her. I ask details. I’m interested. I do feel a twinge of jealousy, but still, it’s my sister and she deserves happiness.
So…. idk. Do whatever you want because it’s your expensive day and party. Don’t expect too much of other people. And this is my take.
Why don’t you choose the girlfriends of the groomsmen? If you like them, that is.
Don’t have one. I didn’t and it was the best decision. Ask a few friends to help get ready with you for support but you don’t need the bridal party. Its so much more intimate and personal. Let’s the guests be guests.
If i could do my wedding over, there would be no bridal party. Do what you are comfortable with it’s your wedding.
I had a friend get married where the groom didn’t have as many male friends that he wanted as groomsmen, so they had some groomswomen, who mostly wore black dresses to match the black tuxes of the groomsmen. I wonder if something like this could work, if you both want to include more of his supportive friends that would otherwise create an asymmetrical number on the bride vs groom side (not that this would be a bad thing!).
Don’t bother to ask them. Clearly something is going on. But don’t bother to get to the bottom of it; you’ve been snubbed.
Your friends are NOT your friends.
It’s time for you to match energy.
Do NOT ask anyone to stand up with you except your sister.
And rethink inviting them to the wedding. Seriously. Don’t bother to invite them.
If they ask you about it, just say that they weren’t interested or congratulatory when you told them you got engaged, nor brought it up since, so you figured they weren’t interested in attending.
And stop being the mother of the group; if you’re the organizer, stop being the organizer to people who don’t appreciate you, nor show you any care whatsoever.
Invite those over who show you they care about you.
Don’t have the traditional bachelorette etc.
You now have full knowledge about who and what you are dealing with. Tread wisely.
Not everyone is as excitable about these things. Are you a good friend to these folks? Do you clelebrate their lives? Do they need to feel your friendship more deeply to be ebgaged with your life? Maybe these people are naturally not as gushy, maybe they dont feel as close as you’d like because they just aren’t that close to you. Go asymmetrical for your party or engage honestly with the people you want in your life beyond a party about you. Be authentic and you’ll find the way.
You’re 32, not 22. Your getting engaged isn’t that exciting to other people. They have their own lives and you don’t know what else they’re dealing with.
It sounds like you got responses from all but your roommate, which is rude on her part.
But expecting people to gush over an engagement at your age isn’t realistic. Most people hate weddings, and few people want to be in them.
Maybe your friends don’t want to express congratulations for fear of being asked to be bridesmaids, and having to take on all the ridiculous responsibilities that now requires.
Stop caring what anyone else thinks, be happy for yourself and your fiancé, don’t have any bridesmaids, and move forward with your life.
Are they already married?
Sorry this happened.
Have your sister as your only attendant and don’t bother inviting the rest to your wedding. If they question it, tell them you thought they had to wash their hair
When my sister got married she had the same problem- she had a close friend, and me but her other girlfriends despite knowing them since elementary school she wasn’t very close with. Her fiance had a core group of friends and brothers who were all tight and she felt pressured to “match up” the numbers. It resulted in needless drama and her worrying about everyone else but herself and all the dynamics. It’s been 11 years and 2 children since her wedding, and guess what? She only speaks to that close friend and me. Moral of the story: pick your cheerleaders, don’t worry about optics.
You ARE reading too much into this. They’re not going to be thinking about your engagement and wedding every waking moment. Do you think they’re just sitting by the phone holding their breath waiting on the most recent update? Just text or call them when there’s information to be given. Your wedding is the most important thing to only you and your fiancé.
if you want to give them the benefit of the doubt, say– hey! i really want to talk about the engagement! With no attitude but excitement.
Then wait and see how they respond.
If they get on your level with positivity, great!
If not, now you have information instead of speculation, and you have leveled up to the valuable place of asking for what you want and need.
If…. they cant be excited to talk engagement, that’s a no-go for wedding party consideration. Focus on your supportive sister. A maid of honor and no drama from the rest sounds lovely. Even numbers are unnecessary.
This makes me so sad to hear 🙁 just know that I’m really really excited for you!
I read some of your comments and I believe you’ve sort of buried the lede a little with your roommate renting in your house, probably below market rate for a decade, and your other friend getting free storage. Not saying it absolutely is super important but it does seem relevant.
If you just have your sis, would your fiancé be ok with picking one guy?
When do you plan on marrying?
Do you have time to wait it out a bit to see how your friends act after you’ve asked your sister?
When we got married, years ago, I had two girlfriends to ask. Husband had five he wanted to stand up with him. So I asked the wife and girlfriend of his groomsmen. I only knew them from hanging out all together. The one guy friend who didn’t have a partner became godfather of our first born.