Backup of the post’s body: TW: 18+ & mentions of SA!!!!
Hi everyone, I am in serious need for advice here so I would appreciate anything really.
Last summer me, my bf, my best friend K(22F), M (22M) and C(22f) went on a trip. Upon my early departure from the trip (the rest of the group continued to travel), K had come and told me that M and she had secretly gotten physical during the time I was still there. I was shocked to hear this as M was newly dating a girl at that time, and only sang praises about her the whole trip. What came even more surprising to me was K’s attitude about the whole situation. IMO, she seemed rather giddy/ excited and definitely not guilty or worried in any way that some things have happened between them. Given her character and her religion, this was very much out of character for her. As the trip was still ongoing, we did not have much privacy to talk about it and so I decided to wait for her to come back from the trip before discussing things in more detail.
*For context, M and K had a questionable friendship; it was never romantic, but neither platonic. There was always some tension, and occasionally some boundaries would have been crossed, whether or not they were single or taken (eg, ‘play’ hand holding / M smacking or resting on K’s behind / sleeping in the same bed). Even though there were some boundaries crossed, K was never one to be outright disgusted or express being uncomfortable about M’s advances. She had tried placing boundaries with M, but she was never strict with ensuring that those boundaries were respected. She has always denied ever being attracted to M, but we have had discussions about M always having the hots for her, but he never could make a move since she was very different from his usual type. During the trip, M made comments about how he wanted to kiss K, and how she was hot and pretty. There was obvious sexual tension between the two.
—–TW: 18+ & MENTIONS OF SA ——-
A few days later, K comes back from the trip, and her perspective on what had happened has changed. She had told me that she was>!assaulted by M, and that he had forced her into giving head even though she was not interested in it. When I asked why she didn’t refuse, she said that she ‘didn’t know how to since it had already gotten to that point, and that she just didn’t know how to say no anymore’.!< She also tells me that after that incident, M refused to talk to her for the rest of the trip and had been avoiding her. Seeing as this was serious, we had devised a plan for my boyfriend and me to confront M about his actions and to get him to talk to her or apologise. This was a hard task, given that M had made K promise that she wouldn’t tell anyone about the incident, and we were supposed to somehow get him to confess before confronting him about it. K had placed the expectation on us, us to speak out for her, even though she never really knew what she wanted out of that conversation (I had asked her and she could not give me a straight answer). Needless to say, our plan was fruitless because M always found a way to avoid long conversations, and he was good at brushing off topics in a way that discouraged further probing, for fear that he might not open up.
——————————————–
Since our unsuccessful attempts, K has held a grudge against me and my boyfriend for not trying hard enough to bring her justice. Friends told her that I was a shit friend, and that I should have confronted M without caring about the dynamics of the whole friend group (note that I am a very non confrontational person, neither is my boyfriend). I have apologised to her on multiple occasions, admitting to her that I have let her down. She told me that she forgives me, but trust requires time to be rebuilt, to which I agreed and told her that the ball would be in her court and to take her time. However, she did tell me that she would be worried if her boyfriend was associated with someone like M (shading my boyfriend, which I find ironic since she was still friends with M even after having one of his other ‘victims’ open up to her about their personal experience with M before said incident took place). She has since talked shit about my boyfriend’s character which has sometimes made me question my relationship. When asked, she says that she does not hold anything against him and that she is indifferent to him and his existence. Despite my boyfriend’s attempts at rebuilding his friendship with her, she would be hot and cold- some days being super nice to him and other days shitting on him in my presence.
Now we hardly speak, and even when we do, I am always the one reaching out and checking up on her. I don’t know what to do at this point, because it has been a year, and the effects of that one incident between 2 adults have shaken up the very foundations of my personal support system. I am very much contemplating whether we should still be friends, but at the same time, I know I have also caused this rift between us. I still have hope that we can be close again, but with the way things are going, this doesn’t seem likely. How do I fix my friendship with K, and AITA for thinking that the grudge being held against me is unreasonable?
TLDR: WIBTAH for thinking that the grudge being held against me is unreasonable, because I have already done my best in the situation?
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We’d like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you’ll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we’ll drop a link so you can see our host’s take on your story.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: TW: 18+ & mentions of SA!!!!
Hi everyone, I am in serious need for advice here so I would appreciate anything really.
Last summer me, my bf, my best friend K(22F), M (22M) and C(22f) went on a trip. Upon my early departure from the trip (the rest of the group continued to travel), K had come and told me that M and she had secretly gotten physical during the time I was still there. I was shocked to hear this as M was newly dating a girl at that time, and only sang praises about her the whole trip. What came even more surprising to me was K’s attitude about the whole situation. IMO, she seemed rather giddy/ excited and definitely not guilty or worried in any way that some things have happened between them. Given her character and her religion, this was very much out of character for her. As the trip was still ongoing, we did not have much privacy to talk about it and so I decided to wait for her to come back from the trip before discussing things in more detail.
*For context, M and K had a questionable friendship; it was never romantic, but neither platonic. There was always some tension, and occasionally some boundaries would have been crossed, whether or not they were single or taken (eg, ‘play’ hand holding / M smacking or resting on K’s behind / sleeping in the same bed). Even though there were some boundaries crossed, K was never one to be outright disgusted or express being uncomfortable about M’s advances. She had tried placing boundaries with M, but she was never strict with ensuring that those boundaries were respected. She has always denied ever being attracted to M, but we have had discussions about M always having the hots for her, but he never could make a move since she was very different from his usual type. During the trip, M made comments about how he wanted to kiss K, and how she was hot and pretty. There was obvious sexual tension between the two.
—–TW: 18+ & MENTIONS OF SA ——-
A few days later, K comes back from the trip, and her perspective on what had happened has changed. She had told me that she was>!assaulted by M, and that he had forced her into giving head even though she was not interested in it. When I asked why she didn’t refuse, she said that she ‘didn’t know how to since it had already gotten to that point, and that she just didn’t know how to say no anymore’.!< She also tells me that after that incident, M refused to talk to her for the rest of the trip and had been avoiding her. Seeing as this was serious, we had devised a plan for my boyfriend and me to confront M about his actions and to get him to talk to her or apologise. This was a hard task, given that M had made K promise that she wouldn’t tell anyone about the incident, and we were supposed to somehow get him to confess before confronting him about it. K had placed the expectation on us, us to speak out for her, even though she never really knew what she wanted out of that conversation (I had asked her and she could not give me a straight answer). Needless to say, our plan was fruitless because M always found a way to avoid long conversations, and he was good at brushing off topics in a way that discouraged further probing, for fear that he might not open up.
——————————————–
Since our unsuccessful attempts, K has held a grudge against me and my boyfriend for not trying hard enough to bring her justice. Friends told her that I was a shit friend, and that I should have confronted M without caring about the dynamics of the whole friend group (note that I am a very non confrontational person, neither is my boyfriend). I have apologised to her on multiple occasions, admitting to her that I have let her down. She told me that she forgives me, but trust requires time to be rebuilt, to which I agreed and told her that the ball would be in her court and to take her time. However, she did tell me that she would be worried if her boyfriend was associated with someone like M (shading my boyfriend, which I find ironic since she was still friends with M even after having one of his other ‘victims’ open up to her about their personal experience with M before said incident took place). She has since talked shit about my boyfriend’s character which has sometimes made me question my relationship. When asked, she says that she does not hold anything against him and that she is indifferent to him and his existence. Despite my boyfriend’s attempts at rebuilding his friendship with her, she would be hot and cold- some days being super nice to him and other days shitting on him in my presence.
Now we hardly speak, and even when we do, I am always the one reaching out and checking up on her. I don’t know what to do at this point, because it has been a year, and the effects of that one incident between 2 adults have shaken up the very foundations of my personal support system. I am very much contemplating whether we should still be friends, but at the same time, I know I have also caused this rift between us. I still have hope that we can be close again, but with the way things are going, this doesn’t seem likely. How do I fix my friendship with K, and AITA for thinking that the grudge being held against me is unreasonable?
TLDR: WIBTAH for thinking that the grudge being held against me is unreasonable, because I have already done my best in the situation?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We’d like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you’ll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we’ll drop a link so you can see our host’s take on your story.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.