This is over 14 years of drama and over stepping so I realistically can’t going into every single detail. But when it comes down to it all I wanted from my mother in law is to just give a damn about my kids. We’ve never had a good relationship and there is a lot of favoritism with the other grand kids. So I’ve tried to protect my kids from it which has caused more bad blood. I honestly feel super bi-polar when it comes to her bc I want to just cut her out of my
Kids lives for good so she doesn’t hurt them
But at the same time I just want her to give a damn too. She’s never helped us much which whatever, I used to think that was just the kind of grandmother she was. I had asked her to watch my middle daughter two tuesdays a month when she was 3 but she cancelled on me so much I ended up just having my mom do it every Tuesday for the rest of that year and then I just stopped trying to work at all bc it wasnt worth it. But now her other son has a 3 year old and for the last 3 years she drives two hours round trip to pick her up On sundays and keeps her until Tuesday and then drives two hour round trip to return her. I threw a bitch fit last year bc my husband, her son is a mechanic who works 60-80 hours a week so I can be home with our kids. She would constantly ask him to fix her car, oil changes, brakes, AC, tires from driving it into the ground driving that kid back and forth. He’s working his ass off as it is and it’s not us getting the free child care and child taxi. So for a while they started to bring the kid up here but now it’s back to her doing all the driving but thankfully she hasn’t asked for any mechanic work anymore. I feel like everything in my life always happens on a Monday and Tuesday too. My 3rd daughter was born on a Monday and she didn’t even come to the hospital to see her bc she had that kid. Last winter when my youngest was 15 months old and recovering from RSV I accidently locked my keys in the house. Stupidly my husband had given our only spare key to her. This 100% wasn’t her fault, it was mine. But she was watching that kid down at their house for some reason that week, so she was an hour away, and couldn’t help us. We were outside in 30 degree weather for 3 hours before my husband got home. I asked for the key back and when she dropped it off she was crying. Why the hell was she crying? You couldn’t be bothered to help
Us so I’m sorry I want our spare key somewhere where I can access it if I ever need it again. When my daughter was crushed that she didn’t come to her school
Play last November I said enough was enough and asked her to stay out of my
Kids lives. But of course she didn’t listen and still stops over. We aren’t Facebook friends but someone who I am Facebook friends with (not sure who it is) sends her my pictures and she posts them like she should
Be grandma of the year. Drives me nuts she steals my pictures. My house is always a mess and the only way she wants to be part of my kids lives is to come sit in my
Messy house and then leave. It stresses me out so much. I’ve never said no to her taking them
Anywhere but she has maybe asked or offered a handful of times. Her sister said to
Me recently have you ever thought that maybe she doesn’t have the money to take them places. Well she has the money to drive that kid back and forth every week, and play grounds, splash pads, going to
One of her sisters houses are all free. (Dropping the kids at her house isn’t an option bc she lives with her daughter my husbands sister, who also has two young kids and I already feel bad that she gets saddled with an extra kid two days every week bc mil brings an extra kid into her house). It’s just a sucky situation all around. But the last straw was this last week we had our county fair and my
Kids brought their goats and she didn’t even bother to come see them show. I totally get this sounds bi polar, but I either want her all the way in or not in at all. She won’t stay away and just wants to pop in here and there but not support them in their activities. She wants to steal my pictures like she was there but not actually go. How do I protect my kids? I feel like I need therapy, because I want to
Not care anymore. I want to not be mad about everything she’s done? How do I move on and not let all this bother me? My husband isn’t any help. We fight so much over her. He says I can’t have it both ways, but either can she. My kids always come last to her, and no matter what I say to her, it never changes. My parents are amazing and all the way in with my
Kids so realistically they aren’t missing out so I really don’t know why this bothers me so much. I want to just stop caring and I want to stop fighting with my husband over it. Has anyone been in this situation? What helped you move on? And what did you do?
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You can’t make your MIL care about your children. She doesn’t, for whatever reasons there are. If your husband is the scapegoat, his children also have to be. If your husband is the forgotten child, his children also have to be. There’s no way that your husband is the golden child as his children would also have to be.
Your husband is right in that you can NOT have it both ways, wanting her to care and protecting your children from her indifference.
Mourn the loss, or never had, the MIL you should have had. Truly, go through the stages of grief. You’re kind of in denial and bargaining, which is normal. You want to get to acceptance that the relationship just isn’t. Therapy can help. Find one who believes in leave and cleave and accepting that not all relationships should be reconciled.
You and your husband shouldn’t be discussing his mother, or any of his relatives. You don’t have to be the social secretary for his relatives just because you’re female. Let him handle everything. That also means he doesn’t get to whine or rant to you about her “being the way she is”. He has to deal with all of the emotional lifting on his own. It’s often seen that when the husband does have to solely deal with his mother, their relationship collapses.
See if your or your husband’s employer offers and Employee Assistance Program (EAP). That can be a good place to start for looking for a therapist.
You don’t sound bipolar. You sound like someone who wants some consistency and equitable treatment for your kids. Thats reasonable.
But why do you let her in your house? If your SO isn’t home, just tell her she isn’t welcome. Just be straight with her, she has failed your kids too many times and you’re not going to encourage or support a relationship between her and them.
As far as the social media goes, you can go the Wagatha Christie and try to make certain photos available for certain people to get the leak. Or you can just delete any mutual who is suspect.
Ok you are already aware this is a bit all over the place. I don’t think you need intensive therapy (at all) but a few sessions with a therapist might help you drill down to what you really want and how to get there or how to make peace with not being able to get there.
If it’s any comfort to you, one of my grandmothers (not the psycho one I’ve written about before,
The other one) definitely favored our younger cousins over me and my sibling and our older cousins. To tell you the truth I would have never noticed but my mom did and pointed it out constantly or I would have never noticed. I was not scarred by it in any way. Grandparents are not as important in grandkids lives as they think they are.
If MIL senses you’re keeping score that might be a reason she does this, as some sort of “you can’t tell me what to do I’m not your babysitting service” rebellion.
SHE will not change her preferences so you will likely need to accept her as she is or cut her off if you cannot come to this acceptance. That is where a therapist comes in, to devise strategies for one or the other. Of course if your husband will not be supportive this creates another situation to navigate.
I don’t think you need to be in therapy for years for
This but sessions over the short term might help you figure it out.