how do I revive my relationship

I (f19) and my ex/boyfriend (m19) of 6 years are Ina pickle well I’m in the pickle . We met in 8th grade he is my first love . During our high school years we have been thru a lot . He did cheat on me more times than I can count whilst in highschool . I really wanted to be with him so I stayed and even tho it brought my mental down it felt good just to have him still. I fought and I fought for us . Time goes bye … Until one day we broke up march of 2023 due to me gettting kicked out of school because I beat him up …bc I was suspicious that he was cheating again. I was right . He was . So with me out of school and him in school with the same women he cheated on me with obviously there was slim to none amount of trust left . Things got bad I went crazy showing up to his house simply bc I could (we lived a few blocks away) just harassing him constantly bc I was hurt. I wanted to be with him still even tho he’d put me thru hell while going thru hell (my dad had passed 2022 . And i just got worse .. and I tried to end my life.. didn’t work bc I was too scared to actually do it .. with how I was acting his family no longer wanted us to be in contact so they sent him to live with his dad. A few months pass and we try again this time it was alright this time it was like June we had just graduated or I did cause he didn’t attend his own graduation so I was alone again. I think at this point we weren’t together but we were still communicating. Summer comes I started to drink . I started to party . With partying comes meeting people and hookups .. it was bad I was never this kind of person . with me partying we kinda stopped talking as much as we used to .. comes December 2023 I met someone and I started to hang out with them. I completely started to treat my ex terribly .. ignoring him telling him horrible things .. juggling two lives at once .. just being terrible (I will always feel shame ) but in the moment it was what I was doing . Time goes by it’s the beginning of 2024 and I’m just pushing him away , telling him (my ex )off at this time I was so involved with the party life and juts drinking and just distracting myself from actually healing from my relationship with my ex. Time goes by And at this time he’s trying to get me back and I’m still juts being horrible to him . He starts to go downhill he started to drink. He never drank before he always told me he would never bc addiction runs in his family he never wanted to be like that . I ruined him i completely broke his heart . I thought it was what I wanted since he had broke mine all those years of cheating on me while I just wanted him . I thought it felt good I thought I was better off doing what I wanted. I experienced things with the guy I met . I got sa ,and things where js bad. I realized what I had with my ex and how the guy I was talking to at the time didn’t care about me at all . Time goes by and it’s like June- July 2024 my ex still trying to get us back together he would stalk my house with a bottle in his hand and he would just cry his eyes out bc I hurt him so bad . One day he came to my house super drunk and me concerned I called his mom and told her that he was out drinking and driving . I just wanted him to go home . To be safe. She sent him to his dads house without a phone without anything so we didn’t have a way to contact each other … it’s July our birthdays come around and he’s still in a dark place For some i thing I thought I wanted I crushed him. He was in a dark place and I was out doing hoe shit we had lost contact . I moved out of the city to the suburbs and from time to time I really missed him so I would pass by his house and just cry bc I knew I fucked up really bad and I was worried abt him. I seen he had moved back home . Recently in October 2024 we started to talk again I wanted to rekindle us . I realized what I was doing was wrong and that I was never healed just distracted . We met up one day and just talked, and things were so good I was like in heaven. I finally got what I had wanted this whole time . To be with him things felt good . Until February 2025 I fucked up. I got in contact with the guy I had ruined my relationship for. We met up but we did NOT do anything but just the fact I texted him is considered cheating . If roles were reversed and he met someone he fucked with before I’d say he cheated too . So it completely understandable . He called me the same day I was in the car with old dude I talked to.. he was blowing up my phone and I was ignoring him he got suspicious. And started to spam me and I lied I told him I was with my sister. He didn’t really believed ir but he didn’t pry anything . The guilt was too much and I told him I lied that that I was with a friend . I lied again I told him i was with a female . But the guilt was a lot and so I told him I was with a guy. I ruined him again . His perception of me was back to how he saw me when I broke his heart. I don’t know why I did what I did I guess it was just becus I felt like he as my boyfriend again didn’t really care like he was putting his friends over me . Which is valid all he had when we were in contact was his friends . I juts thought things would have been better so I called up old dude and we hung out. Instead of just talking it out with my man . Tho I did talk to him abt how I was feeling before hand it js seemed to go over his head. Until I “cheated” and now we’re back to square one . I want to be with my ex. I know we can be something good . He is my first love I don’t want to lose him . I want it to be us . But now I know he doesn’t trust me and he will always js see me as an untrustworthy bitch. He said he would give me a chance again . But that I have to make him see us again. But I don’t know how to give him hope in us again . I don’t know the words to say to him to give reassurance & I don’t know what to do . How do I prove to him that I want this . That I’m worth trying again. I want to do it right this time even tho I know this is the last time. I need him to stay I want him to stay he is my love I need him to trust me again. Please help me