I (f28) am considering divorcing my husband (m31). He yelled at me recently, after I politely, calmly, asked him 3 times already not to. This is my 4th time having to reestablish this boundary.
I feel like I have to do everything exactly right when talking to him about anything even remotely difficult or he will pick out one thing I said and try to discredit me. I have to have “proof” of every single thought and feeling I bring up to him. I cannot prove my feelings.
We live together and still have day to day things to do. These normal conversations are pleasant enough. I don’t think he completely knows how I feel, but he has some inclination because since this incident things have been colder than normal. Our pleasant conversations confuse me. How can someone who makes my life so difficult and makes me literally want to run away from everything still make me giggle? It is so confusing.
Most of the time, talking to him is like a minefield. I have to avoid certain topics, can’t express my real feelings about a wide range of things, and have to phrase things in a very particular way just to avoid offending him. It is easier to not speak. Every time I have to kiss him my stomach turns. Every time he mouth breathes I want to scream. Every morning and evening is made worse by his behavior. But I can’t bring it up, because it will be an argument, his feelings will get hurt, and that apparently gives him permission to act however he wants. So my initial points are never addressed and I always end up coddling him after I muster up the courage and literally rehearse everything I’m going to say in the mirror so I don’t mess up. Everything feels like a f*king test. And I’m tired.
I don’t know how to bring up the conversation of divorce. I already have a plan on what to do and where to go afterword, how much money I need to save, how I would get my stuff to a new place etc. But these little glimmers of hope are so confusing. I see the person I originally fell in love with in there, but I don’t think he’ll ever come back. We have already been to couples therapy for four months about this time last year, and things got better but they’re still not good enough for me to stay.
I cannot stop fantasizing about my life after him. I could have my own CLEAN apartment with a cat! I could eat meat! I could eat fast food and drink soda! I could read/watch tarot and astrology things! I could do anything I wanted. Is the possibility of a better life worth destroying this one? I am so confused.
TL;DR: not every interaction with my husband is terrible. I’m confused and not sure if divorce is still my best option. What would you do in my situation?
Comments
You’re absolutely going to end up divorced. You’re fantasizing about life solo! Gift yourself that. This is no way to live and it’s not sustainable. Is the guarantee of a better life worth destroying the one that ensures your misery?
I’m not in your shoes, but I think you’re 100% making the right choice. You deserve to live in the way you want to and to not feel like you have to walk on eggshells every day of your life.
Keep doing the things you know you need to do to prepare. Coordinate with a friend to either be with you or on call the day you leave, ideally with you.
Talk to an attorney and get things in order before you bring this up. He sounds volatile and scary tbh, and while he hasn’t been physically violent you never know. Tbh I probably wouldn’t do much to talk about it with him until you have it all fully ready to go and planned out. From your descriptions of his behavior it doesn’t sound like your home will be a super safe place once you tell him you’re leaving.
Read what you wrote here in its entirety every time you question this decision or wonder if you should stay.
Perhaps try counseling first and work on your communication there? I bet you he has no idea that he is driving you away so much and it’s worth at least improving your own communication skills too before nuking the relationship and moving on to the next one.
I will say the fact that you are fantasizing about a life away from him with glee is a good indicator you are over the relationship- if this feeling sticks around after therapy you have your answer :’)
Start doing the things YOU want to do, and if he has an issue with it, just tell him you’re an individual person, and these things make you happy. If it bothers him, then he can go to another room.
Don’t engage in his arguments, give calm, simple answers. In your head, you’re not together anymore, so why continue to allow him you emotional energy?
Get what you need done before you have a talk with him about your decision. I wouldn’t recommend just handing divorce papers and leaving, but I also am the talk it out kind of person. If he can’t have a kind chat about it, then that definitely tells you all you need to know.
This is the cycle of abuse. There is always the period where things are good and you convince yourself he didn’t mean it. But this will just continue to happen.
It’s no way to live constantly being on edge and not being able to talk about anything or enjoy things that you have an interest in.
This really doesn’t need to be a conversation. You talk to an attorney, have all your ducks in a row and tell him it’s over. This isn’t something you need to decide together. If you are unhappy and you don’t get to be you then you get to decide that it’s over.
Best guess he will love bomb you and tell you he will change and things will be different…in my experience they will not be…then he will resort to threats and intimidation.
Protect yourself and live your best life. You deserve it
I’m concerned with the wording “every time I have to kiss him”. You do NOT have to kiss someone you don’t want to, whether you are married to the person or not.
This person sounds very controlling and volatile, of course you should leave. Set up an appt with a lawyer to get things in motion, and have somewhere arranged for you to stay on the day you tell him / he is served paperwork.
I dated someone with this exact description for only two months and I was left emotionally exhausted. I am so sorry you are going through this, but I promise you you need to leave him, and you will feel so much lighter.
How to stick to your guns?
Reminds yourself of what you wrote here. You deserve to have a clean apartment and live somewhere where you dont have to walk on eggshells. You are young, is that how you want to spend the next 40+ years?
Have you all tried any kind of spiritual advising or couples therapy? If not, it might be worth a shot (if he agrees) before pulling the rip cord- but if he doesn’t agree to some kind of external support for improving things or you try and things are the same in like 3-6 months, yeah, divorce. Life is too short to spend it married to someone who makes you miserable.
Remember, a boundary is what you have control over: if you yell at me, I will _____. And then do it.
YES the possibility of a better life is worth destroying your current one!!! I don’t know all the details of your relationship but from what you’ve shared I think leaving sounds healthy. Yelling is a deal breaker for me because it is a form of violence that disregulates my nervous system and causes psychological and emotional damage. Everything you’re describing makes sense and you sound wise for reflecting and creating a detailed exit plan. My bit of advice is considering if his actions will escalate during the divorce process. Please be safe and consider leaving with your essentials before telling him about wanting a divorce.