I’m 30, and for most of my life, I never cared much about relationships. I suspect I’m neurodivergent though I’ve never been formally diagnosed.
I had crushes, but I never experienced this deep longing for a romantic connection until now. I don’t know if it’s because I’m living abroad and feeling lonely or if something just changed in me with age, but I find myself thinking about relationships way more than I want to.
I’ve tried meeting men, but the experiences have been disappointing. A lot of them seem shallow and only interested in casual sex, or secretly have girlfriends back home. I don’t think I’m unattractive, and I know I bring more to the table than just looks, but real connections with men nowadays seem rare.
Logically, I know I’m making the right choices when I cut them off. Like this last guy that I met here. I realized he has a gf in the states and saw signs he’s into ONS.
I don’t regret ghosting him into oblivion. I don’t go back to guys like that, and I stand by my decisions. But emotionally, I struggle with the longing. I don’t want to lower my standards just to fill a void, but I also don’t want to feel this way anymore.
Funny thing is, I’m actually a very busy woman; I’m pursuing grad school while working full-time and studying the language of the country where I’m currently based. Yet, my mind still drifts to those fleeting sweet moments I had with that last guy.
I used to be content without men in my life, and I want to return to that mindset. I’ve accepted that being with someone may not be for me, but I still want to try dating because it’s an experience I’d like to have. I just don’t like how I yearn and long for someone after I ended things with them.
For those who’ve been in a similar situation, how do you deal with the emotional side of it?