Growing up in a household as the first born daughter, truly shaped me to be my siblings second mum ( a responsibility I didn’t ask for ) … Be the man of the house & literally take on great responsibilities that my siblings will never take up all their lives 😭😭😭 . Some are sacrifices my mother never even took( Dad died in 2020)
Sometimes I feel like I’m loosing myself to them. Like I don’t exist anymore because I no longer do what is for me but rather do what is for them and nothing is optional !
All these responsibilities are compulsory it’s super draining .
I just want to feel free for once sometimes like not be in the position to always be a Hero.
My siblings think I’m a hero for real, like I always find a solution no matter what but one time once they’re old enough to understand they’ll realize I wasn’t just a hero. I was a strong girl who fought to make sure it all works out 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾 !
I need advice on how to choose myself more, how to prioritize myself without feeling selfish !
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I’ve been in a similar position, Make plans to meet friends, time for yourself and generally just anything you enjoy before doing these things let your siblings know how to contact you, if you’re responsible for things such as meals, make them before you leave preferably simple things so that they can get them themselves, give them activities to do while you’re out. It’s hard not to worry about what’s going on at home whilst you are out but time for yourself is really important and that isn’t selfish. You could also start with just a little time out of the house and build it up overtime
Life will get better. I have to deal with the same thing in my household. But the only difference really is that my dad is a bitch, and leaves me and my mom to do everything for my siblings. But you’re just going to have to keep going at it okay! I’m sorry for your loss, and I’ll be praying for you, and your family.
I think it starts by stating your needs out loud. Kids do not inherently understand that their parents have personal needs for rest, for comfort, to be taken care of themselves. They see adults (and you, who have stepped into that role) as endless “givers”.
It’s one reason why it’s important on dates like Mother’s Day or birthdays that kids be taught that they need to start thinking about what Mom needs. Obviously it shouldn’t be one-or-two days per year kind of thing, but it’s a start. And those celebrations of the caregivers in our lives shouldn’t be skipped.
Your younger siblings are likely old enough to start taking on specific responsibilities. You don’t want to be a nag. No one in the history of the world likes being nagged about chores. But they do need to understand that this family is a team, and as each person gets older, they all have to pull a little more of the weight. Put up a board that lists a person’s name and their responsibility for that day, with a specific time something has to be done by. Beyond that, let them manage getting things done themselves. Take them through it the first 2 or 3 times, for things like loading or unloading the dishwasher, or how to do a load of laundry, or how to clean a toilet.
I don’t know the age of your siblings, but one somewhat fun clean-up game can happen if you have a photo of what your family room is “supposed to” look like, when tidy, you can print that off as a reference and have each kid look at it and look at the room and figure out what things need to be moved to make the room look like the photo. It feels more concrete to compare against an actual photo rather than just be told “tidy the family room”.
Pick a couple of evenings per week that are just for you, if you can. Sign up for an evening activity that takes you out of the house. And then be really happy/proud of your siblings when you come home and they’ve done their stuff.
Am I you? Are you me?
I also have come to this realization.
I am the man of the house.
But im also a child, someone to ignore, someone to be sold away for marriage
Please someone tell me how that works.
How can I be the one driving people around, running errands, working, watching kids, etc etc
But also be told to look pretty and take care of myself otherwise no one will want to marry me?
And when I talk at the kitchen table people talk over me? Or cry over me? Or scream?
Exactly how do those two go hand in hand?
It’s not just being a first born daughter…its being a first born and having to help with responsibilities when all you want to do is explore and be normal. Being the oldest has always sucked because you are breaking ground, your mom is nervously trying to do her best, and needs as much help as she can get…and that’s you.
I’m the youngest of 8 and my dad was a combat Marine. My oldest sibling went through the same experiences. When he was old enough, he hit the ground running and left home, and never looked back. He was always held to a higher standard. The long term results where that, while cordial, he remained distant from the rest of us for a long time, carving out his own life. But he also tended to avoid responsibility for his actions and got into problems. He was a decent dad to his kids, and (over) indulged them to a degree, making up for what he experienced. Dont let the sacrifices you are making today distort your approach to your future.
Raising a family is tough under the best of circumstances, and yours is that much tougher. You are heroic for being there for your siblings, dont sell yourself short. But you also need to have some freedom for yourself. Have a talk with your mom, explain that you are happy to help, but you need room to grow also.
Quit for a week… and they may see how it affects the household. Time you took some time for yourself.
Have you ever said the following to any family member, for any reason: “I can’t do it, you have to do it yourself”?
Move away. Far away. 💕 good luck
My sister just told me the most amazing thing her therapist said. When you try to solve problems for people, you are robbing them of the experience of doing it for themselves. You can let them solve their own problems and tell them ”I believe in you. I think you can figure this out.” And you need to opt out if that’s what you need. Are you invested in being the hero? Figure out what you want, then set loving boundaries and do it.