I (21M) have been dating my girlfriend (20F) for one year now. I really do love her and I put my best effort into our relationship and trying to treat her well. She is a great girlfriend and as much as I would love our relationship to last a long time, I doubt that will happen. The truth is I have been counting down the days until she loses interest and cheats on me or something.
To put it simply, she is hot, I am not. Whenever I think of our relationship, I think of beauty and the beast. My gf is conventionally attractive (think extraverted, blonde, athletic etc). I am the opposite of conventionally attractive. I am introverted, pretty ugly, 5 foot 6 inches short and south asian (the bad kind of asian). I’m not particularly interesting either. My hobbies are gym, guitar, tech (nerd) stuff and cooking, so nothing amazing. I don’t understand what she sees in me or how I managed to get a girlfriend like her. We met at a board games club and out of chance ended up talking really.
Regardless of how many people think otherwise, I think attraction in a physical sense to your partner is important. I obviously can’t give my girlfriend that. I know it is awful of me to think of my girlfriend (who is a good person) as a cheater, but I can’t help it. The thought of her getting charmed by a tall, interesting and good looking guy seems so real. I can’t blame her either because who in their right mind would want me. Even if she doesn’t cheat, she will just lose interest and break up, which is also sad.
Out of the people who I have talked to about this, a friend said that I am the “most likely to get cheated on” and a therapist just told me about how little male attractiveness matters, but I doubt thats true. Does anyone else have advice on how I can overcome this state of mind and have a more healthy view on my relationship?
TL;DR I may get cheated on by my girlfriend because I am unattractive. How do I stop thinking about this?
Comments
Either live fully the relationship and take the risk of getting hurt or leave and work on your insecurities.
Another option would be to level up while you are with her. Gym, diet, sleep, self-esteem.
Bro, it sounds like you hate yourself and that’ll work against you more than the odds of your girlfriend actually cheating.
“The bad kind of Asian” is the most unhinged and self-hatred filled statement I’ve read in a long LONG time. You have self esteem issues you need to work on. Otherwise you’re self sabotaging. She picked you, that’s all that matters.
Also, for the record, there is no “bad kind” of Asian. My SO is Vietnamese and you know the pretty stereotypical bullshit people push. Abusive, aggressive, uneducated, whatever. It’s all bullshit. You’re an individual. She chose you. Stop with the self hatred, it’ll work against you long term.
I don’t think I’m all that attractive, but my personality attracts because I have confidence, know how to dress, make people laugh, and have good qualities about me. Don’t worry about some bullshit stereotype.
You seek therapy. You have trust issues and you’re shallow.
You’re into gym, guitar, tech stuff and cooking? That’s pretty good going and interesting to me. Looks like you’re into your health, are creative & looking to provide. And it looks like she sees that in you too.
I’m sure your therapist is already talking to you about this, but it sounds like you’re in quite a negative cycle. All anyone really needs is someone to be themselves with. Someone to be safe with. Someone to love.
Not to sound like an old timer, but physical characteristic wane & fade. Just try to be present with her and be grateful for the time you have to spend it with each other.
All the best.
If you really want to stop thinking about it, build more confidence. Become the person you think she deserves. At that young age you have all the time in the world to manage your trajectory and be a high value dude worthy of anyone.
You can’t change your height. But don’t under estimate the basics of taking care of yourself, good haircut, decent fashion sense, and clearly your personality is doing something for you!
you have some major self esteem issues friend. your girlfriend hasn’t given you any reason to think she’d cheat and you’re self sabotaging yourself by thinking so lowly of yourself. i sympathize because it’s very hard to deal with low self esteem and low self confidence.
from what you said here you do not sound boring in the slightest, though. there is no bad kind of asian, either. you sound like a chill guy who has lots of cool hobbies but some self image issues. it’s not your fault but if you want things to work with her, you’ll have to work through it.
have you tried talking to her about this? i’m sure she could put your mind at ease about it a lot more than reddit could.
if it’s too hard to work through on your own, you could explore it with a therapist as well. maybe there’s some deep seated issue from your past that makes you feel that way about yourself.
You need to take care of yourself so you don’t feel ugly anymore. Not every woman wants the same thing but start with kindness and confidence. The therapist is right, attractiveness does not matter but you need many other qualities. If you are not rich then she is with you because she likes you.
Build some confidence! You’re an interesting guy with diverse interests, she picked you for a reason. You’ll be ok.
You’re not being realistic, you’re being insecure, and it’s poisoning your relationship from the inside out. You’re just a dude with some serious self-worth issues and a habit of fetishizing your own inadequacy. Unless your gf was hypnotized or guilt-tripped into this, she found value in who you are. If you keep ignoring that and treating yourself like you’re a placeholder until a “real man” shows up, you’ll make that nightmare come true. Not because she’s unfaithful, but because you’ll push her away with your constant doubt, paranoia, and bullshit defeatism. That voice in your head saying you’re ugly and worthless is not honesty – it’s mental self-abuse. You’ve internalized every dumb-ass comment from the Internet, shitty friends, and maybe even your own family.
Stop comparing. Stop asking for validation from people who suck. Work on your self-worth.