Me (42m) and my gf (41f) have been dating for close to a year. I took a long time off from relationships after a rough breakup from a 5 year relationship. This is my first serious relationship in 3 years. I’m a dad bod guy and she’s a curvy mom but she tends to wear clothes that are too tight/wrong for her body type when we go to things in my social circle. I’ve bought her nice outfits that fit more appropriately for friend and work events (I’m in a professional field) but she routinely wears clothes that are not flattering and too tight, if I haven’t “suggested” the outfit.
I have no problem with her size, like I said I’m a bigger guy and we both hit the gym and eat healthy but I do not expect her to change, I love her as she is. The issue is strictly that her clothes selection is kind of horrendous primarily because she’s still trying to wear clothes that are too form fitting.
She is sensitive and quiet, so I don’t want to hurt her feelings and I haven’t said a word about it to her. When she is upset she shuts down, and I’ve been working to fix that and make her feel comfortable being herself. Her ex used to fat shame her to the point that she stopped wearing dresses. I’ve bought her dresses that look great on her, but when she picks her own dresses they look bad. Her clothes selection will be a problem for me at professional events. Is there a nice way to edit her clothes selection or suggest a diffferent catergory of clothes? I’m even willing to just buy new outfits if there’s a way to subtlety do it. This is not about her changing who she is or fat shaming, but the clothes look bad and in my professional world it will be a problem.
Edit: She is not in a professional work field. She has a good job but she does not have to do social things for work.
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Backup of the post’s body: Me (42m) and my gf (41f) have been dating for close to a year. I took a long time off from relationships after a rough breakup from a 5 year relationship. This is my first serious relationship in 3 years. I’m a dad bod guy and she’s a curvy mom but she tends to wear clothes that are too tight/wrong for her body type when we go to things in my social circle. I’ve bought her nice outfits that fit more appropriately for friend and work events (I’m in a professional field) but she routinely wears clothes that are not flattering and too tight, if I haven’t “suggested” the outfit.
I have no problem with her size, like I said I’m a bigger guy and we both hit the gym and eat healthy but I do not expect her to change, I love her as she is. The issue is strictly that her clothes selection is kind of horrendous primarily because she’s still trying to wear clothes that are too form fitting.
She is sensitive and quiet, so I don’t want to hurt her feelings and I haven’t said a word about it to her. When she is upset she shuts down, and I’ve been working to fix that and make her feel comfortable being herself. Her ex used to fat shame her to the point that she stopped wearing dresses. I’ve bought her dresses that look great on her, but when she picks her own dresses they look bad. Her clothes selection will be a problem for me at professional events. Is there a nice way to edit her clothes selection or suggest a diffferent catergory of clothes? I’m even willing to just buy new outfits if there’s a way to subtlety do it. This is not about her changing who she is or fat shaming, but the clothes look bad and in my professional world it will be a problem.
Edit: She is not in a professional work field. She has a good job but she does not have to do social things for work.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Empathy is a good place to start. Imagine being in a new relationship and finding out that someone posted this about you. How would that make you feel? How would you rather have been approached? Would you even feel thar your new partner had the right to question your clothing choices or post about it on the internet? If you ask yourself those questions and genuinely answer them truthfully then that will give you some guidance on how to navigate forward from there. That way, if you raise it with her and it hurts her (which it most likely will), you can at least say that you sincerely thought about it from her perspective before raising it. You may feel that your intentions are good, but having insight into her past, you need to be aware that you cannot dictate what clothing another adult feels comfortable in.
I’m going to chime in with the suggestion that OP is genuinely coming here for guidance on how to best engage in this conversation. I don’t think he should say “well I posted on Reddit and…”, but I don’t think he’s in the wrong for posting online.
A few questions: did she dress like this when you started dating? Is she buying new clothes that don’t fit, or is she just still wearing clothes she already owned but her body has changed? Does she like the way she looks? Are the outfits themselves inappropriate for the occasion, or is the fact that they’re too small the only thing that makes them inappropriate?
If she’s always dressed like this and likes the way it looks, I really don’t think there’s any way to bring this up that’s not going to make her feel like shit.
If she’s gained weight and is wearing her old clothes, I can pretty much guarantee you that she knows she’s gained weight and doesn’t need you to point this out.
If she’s choosing outfits that are flat out an inappropriate style to accompany you to professional events, I think you can potentially get away with suggesting something else or saying that there’s an informal dress code, but for a casual social gathering with your friends there’s not really a way to tell her that you think her outfit looks bad, without it being able to be interpreted as you saying she looks fat or that you don’t like her style.
Assuming that you come from a place of empathy:
I understand that is not only personal taste in clothes but sometimes things that aren’t appropriate for certain occasions that she might be unaware of because it’s not something she needs to deal with daily and it’s not her thing. Odds are she doesn’t think she draws attention from what you said about her self-esteem. It can happen with us all and usually we have a friend who lets us know, but coming from a partner can land badly.
My advice is: keep complimenting her from your heart when you feel like doing, but compliment MORE when she wears the outfits you pick for those occasions. Make it fun for her, tell her things like “I like when you ask my opinion/include me” or “I like helping you pick the outfits”, “I like admiring you when you are getting ready”. Those things. But always respecting if she is feeling comfortable in those clothes, it’s an important thing to ask.
If you can’t be open and honest in your relationship, you’re in trouble here!
If she gets upset and will not speak to you, she’s being childish.
Talk to her, honey, I love you, you look beautiful to me. I don’t want to hurt your feelings or to make you feel bad about yourself, however, some of the clothes you are choosing to wear are not flattering to your body, they don’t fit your body right. I don’t want people judging you, and they will. I want you around when I have a professional event but I want you to look your best too. I don’t want to have to be worried about others judging you or frankly, me feeling a bit embarrassed because you’re not dressing to fit your body.
If she gets mad, hurt, starts crying, won’t speak to you, ignores your advice, let her. You will have been honest with her and it’s then up to her to figure it out.
She doesn’t know how to dress herself correctly yet, that comes with time and help. She was put down no matter how she dressed. She’s trying to figure it out as she goes along.
Take her shopping at nice places, help her dress her body. Make sure you tell her that you love her body, you just want it to look the best in appropriate attire.
If after all of this, sensitive as you can be talk, she still doesn’t work at changing how she dresses, you are going to have to consider, is she the right fit for your life?
Could you maybe find pictures of outfits or clothes you like and show them to her and say “I think this look would be so sexy on you.” Or “I saw this and thought it would be beautiful on you.” Or “I think this style would be lovely for that work event coming up.” ? Idk, my fiancé is the more fashionable one of us and I don’t mind him suggesting things this way at all. But that’s me.
When you say it will be a problem what do you think will happen? It sounds like she’s already been wearing her clothes to events with you and nothing has happened. I wonder if you are just embarrassed by how she dresses because you feel like it’s not flattering or classy? It’s ok to be honest with yourself on that. I work in styling FWIW, so I get it, I have very strong clothing opinions but I’m finding it hard to believe it’s actually a professional problem for your career versus just something you wish she had better taste about.
You’re a dickhead. She is a fully grown adult and you aren’t her Dad. She gets to wear what she wants. You have two choices – STFU, or don’t date her.
I’ve had this happen in a past relationship. whenever I was shopping for clothes for myself online, I would say “Babe. This shirt would look so good on you!” and then I would buy it for him while I was just “shopping for myself.” I think he thought I was obsessed with shopping, but overtime, his clothes were more appropriate.
Don’t know if that helps.
You can’t change her and clearly she hasn’t been getting the hints. I wonder if she’s obsessed with the sizing rather than the fit.
It’s hard to know how bad this is without seeing the outfits. Do her jeans look like they are going to pop? Are her clothes cheap and poorly constructed? Does she ever go shopping for herself? Does she have girlfriends she likes to shop with? When you buy her clothes, does she wear them more than once? Have you ever gone shopping with her?