I’ve just found out that one of my daughter’s friends died this morning. I don’t know how to support her. I’ve already fucked up by bursting into tears as I tried to tell her, and my husband had to step in and was much less tactful in telling her than I wanted to be (he didn’t mean to be blunt but he was floundering and just said ‘she died this morning’) . My daughter is just saying that she’s ‘ok’ but hasn’t said much more. We knew the little girl was poorly but the last we heard she was getting better. My daughter mentioned a few days ago that her friend hadn’t responded to some messages asking how she was that she’d sent a few weeks ago but that was it.
Has anyone experienced this before who may have any tips on how best to navigate this, my daughter hasn’t so much as lost a pet before so death isn’t something she’s ever faced.
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The worst possible thing is to hide the truth. Your husband probably did the right thing. Children are smarter than you think they are. I’m hoping that your child knew in advance that their friend was sick. That would have laid the foundation for this news. My mom was really bad about trying to hide things from me and I would find out that someone had passed without even knowing that they were sick. It made the shock much worse.
I think honesty and letting her know you are both there for her if she is upset or wants to talk and she will probably guide you from there with what she needs.
I’m so sorry to hear this. Anyone passing is sad but somehow a child makes it tragic. My thoughts and prayers for all of her loved ones. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Contact her school guidance counselor for more resources. I would let her stay home today if she wants, as she’ll likely be too distracted or upset for school. I’m assuming she’s a bit shocked right now, but will likely be more upset as it sinks in.
This happened to us. There is no easy way to give this kind of news, and I don’t think you messed up by crying. You just showed your daughter that you are also affected by this painful news.
The best thing you can do is make yourself available to her to talk when she’s ready. It’s may not be for a while, and it may not be all at once. Briefly check in with her from time to time to keep that door open.
Do a little research on grieving, especially in kids, so you can be prepared for potential reactions. Model healthy ways to grieve: crying together, talking about memories with the friend, calmly expressing your feelings like anger, etc.
THe process for her grief will come in waves. Even though she is old enough to understand death, that doesn’t necessarily mean that she fully understands the impact it will have on her life. So as days go by, the reality of it will set in more and more and she will need you to be there. Just watch for signs of her not acting her normal self and to be honest, try to get her into therapy with someone before it hits hard.
Give her space. Don’t tell her what she’s feeling, but find opportunities for her to open up. Go for a drive: not having eye contact helps conversations with kids. Also, you need to show her how “this” is done. Make a dish to take to the family’s home for supper. Ask her if she has any photos of her friend, print them and put them somewhere special. Pick out a card together. If the school is arranging a memorial, volunteer together.
All of this is contingent upon her state of mind. If it’s too much, don’t push. But she is your apprentice, and you need to teach her how to grieve, which will include some social rituals, as well as really personal moves to help cope. It’s hard. It’s hard for grown ups.
Show up, be there, and let her know that everyone grieves differently and at their own pace. Don’t force her to talk about it, but tell her she can share memories or feelings with you whenever.
A few of my friends died when we were kids. When it was a tragic accident, the adults showed up for us. When it was suicide, the adults were so fucked up by their own grief they couldn’t show up for us. It took me decades to realize that’s why they didn’t show up. At the time, I just felt like they were cowards who abandoned us
I’d recommend some kid therapy.
Just a classmate or a friend that is close? Like sleepovers, daily hangouts?
Sorry for your daughter’s loss ❤️🩹❤️🩹 hard stuff at a young age. If you don’t have a therapist on tap I’d suggest researching the shit out of it Google / Reddit just to know the right things to say. Good luck, mama ♥️
Just keep her close , allow her to be sad . Be sad with her . I’m so sorry 😔 and let her take the lead in her pace and expression
It wasn’t wrong for you to cry. It was natural. It’s okay to cry and it’s okay not to cry, both. Your kid is learning that from you.
Crying isn’t messing up momma. There is no “good” way to deliver such devastating news. Showing her it’s ok to be human, that grief affects us all differently, that emotions are healthy and normal, and above all, being honest, open, and having her back is the best we can do as parents.
Hold her as much as she wants/needs for a couple of days, let her cry/scream/whatever until she’s too tired to and make her smoothies with Gatorade to help keep her hydrated and provide nutrition. After the couple of days, start asking her to share funny stories about her friend to help her remember her with happiness instead of focusing on how much she’s missed. You’re amazing for helping her through this!
Let her mourn in her own way. She says she’s ok but you’re probably going to see changes in her. Just be there for her. Be a shoulder for her to cry on and an ear to listen. Hold her if she wants to be held, give her space if she wants space. Let her school and teacher know if they aren’t aware. Keep her home for a few days to a week to let her mourn. I’m so sorry.
Don’t try to protect her from her feelings. Let her feel them and be there for her while she feels. It’s going to suck for you. It’s going to suck for her. But she deserves to feel every feeling that comes with loss like this, and it’s the best way to heal. Just be there.
I usually try to break bad news directly, like your husband. I always hated the slow painful delivery. I’m not sure there’s a lot you can do, really. Be honest, be there to talk if she needs it, and consider offering therapy once she’s had a chance to digest it a bit. A friend of mine died in a car accident when he was about 20. It took days for it to really sink in.
My friend died during surgery. She had been sick. We were in fifth grade. They told us at school. We had made Get Well cards a few days before. My mom took me to the viewing. Be honest, be there, answer questions. That’s all you can do. I still think about her a lot. I asked my mom why a good girl died and bad people live. It was the first crack for me and religion. Another friend had been absent when we made the cards and her’s was ready the day we found out. She wanted to tear it up. I told her it was beautiful and let me keep it instead. Still have it. Now I need to pull myself together.
My best friend died suddenly when I was that age.
Me and my mom read each little bird that sings a bit at a time together every night before bed. I think it helped me a lot
Your husband didn’t lack tact, and bursting into tears was not fucking up. Where did you get these ideas?
I’m so sorry. I don’t know that you screwed up – you showed your daughter that you were upset too.
IMO you did NOT fuck up by bursting into tears. You showed her that its ok to be emotional.
My best advice is to talk to the school counsellor about resources for her and yourself. They will be one of the best sources of info.
My perspective, is NOT from experience as a parent dealing with a situation like this, but from what I remember when I was a kid and close people died and how I felt I wanted to deal. Make sure she knows you’re there for her for whatever support she needs, talking, cuddling, or even just being in the same room so they’re not alone. For me, I hated when people would force me to talk, I preferred to stew for a while before I’d be ok to talk, BUT make sure she knows that it is important to talk at some point because it will help.
You didn’t mess up by crying. You showed her that this is a normal healthy response to grief, that it’s okay to cry and express these difficult emotions. You’ve opened that door for her so she knows if those feelings come up she doesn’t have to hide them or suppress them like we were taught to do.
Suppressing grief, pain, tears.. it is the perfect recipe to create chronic illness down the road. Embrace the feelings coming up, sit with them, feel them, and show your kids it’s a natural human response to pain and perfectly okay. Releasing these tears makes us stronger, contrary to what we were taught.
Break that toxic cycle of viewing tears and emotions as “weak”, and if you can’t, allow your daughter to. When she does break down, don’t hand her tissue to stop the flow and flood, keep a box nearby her incase, she will see they are there if she needs them, don’t shove them in her face like everyone sees to do when they’re uncomfortable with someone’s tears. Sit with her, hold space for her. Do not try to shut down tears. You don’t need to offer advice. Everyone grieves differently, just hold space for her and observe how she expresses grief. If she has questions, she’ll ask.
We had a death in the life of our nine year old recently (coach not peer, so not as traumatic in some ways) and got a lot of advice on this from professionals. The big highlights were that being blunt and truthful is a gift, because if you aren’t kids will get confused about what actually happened and what they are and aren’t allowed to talk about, so it’s completely ok to just be clear and use direct words even ones that feel awkward or uncomfortable. It’s also ok to cry about it! I cried about it when I told her, helps her know it’s ok to cry.
The other is to keep proactively checking in over time, because they are likely to go back and forth in grief as we all do and might not even know what their feelings are in an initial conversation. I did a periodic, “I’m thinking about X and feeling sad. How have you been feeling about it?” or, when she was really scared and rejecting it being brought up, an occasional light, “I know you don’t want to talk about X and you don’t have to, but if you ever do your teacher and the social worker at school know and you can talk to them instead of me any time if you want.” I had to make sure I wasn’t forcing too many check ins just because it was on my mind, but also not abandoning them because they were hard. They will be happy and normal for days or weeks and then might be struck by something about it that scares them or makes them feel sad, so just be ready for that and know it’s normal.
Something I always tell adults in grief is that they might eat more or less, sleep more or less, cry more often, laugh more often, and those are all totally normal responses to loss. There’s no right way to do it, because it’s sad and hard. But even as it’s sad and hard we know we will feel other happier feelings again too one day, because we’ve lost people before and we know that’s how it works. I also think putting a kid in touch with a good therapist they trust almost never hurts!
This is really hard and good luck to all of you and your community in it!
Children are so much more resilient than we think, usually. You’re definitely on the right path with her. I agree with most of the comments here – some quite insightful. A few “out there.” Therapy first is very questionable!!
Let he know as much as she wants, answer as truthfully as you can. It will help her. Consider counseling if she needs.
Its very very good to show her that its okay to have and show feelings? Whats up nowadays with parents thinking they fucked up because they showed emotions? You did her a favour.
As someone with BPD, ive seen MANY ppl in my DBT group therapy where they kept their tears from their kids, trying ro be strong, which ended in their kids not knowing how to show emotions.
Im sorry for yalls loss ❤️
I would suggest telling her the truth, and now a days exists some book that talks about grief for kids, I think it should be a good idea to buy one of these and read with her.
Actually you didn’t fuck up by crying and your husband didn’t fuck up by being direct. The best way to support her is to teach her and listen to her. Tell her about your experiences and what grief looked like. Teach her how to support those who are more affected and how to ask for support from others. Write a letter with her to the family of the child sharing memories. She is going to worry about the same thing happening to her, just like you are. That is normal as well. She might even be a little jealous of the attention that the other child gets after death. She will have feelings she doesn’t understand and that don’t make sense. What I have learned about death in my 62 years is that it is always worth it to push through the uncomfortableness and go to funerals, visit people when they are dying and reach out to the bereaved. The comfort it provides far outweighs awkwardness.
This is so sad. Will her school have psychologists available to help the students go through it?
OP you did NOT fuck up. Bursting into tears and having a hard time explaining what happened is a VERY natural response. You modeled FEELING big emotions.
As someone who never had this modeled for me- my parents are very stoic- I’m only just learning (at age 45) that crying is okay. Responding in BIG ways the BIG emotions is okay, as long as you’re safe. And seeing that happen, your daughter seeing that you’re okay after having big feelings is incredibly important.
I’m tearing up now. You’ve got this. It’s hard and you’re doing great!
The best thing you can do right now is just be her safe space. Let her feel what she needs to feel, even if it’s messy or confusing. Kids don’t always have the words. So if she’s quiet or acting out a little, that might just be how the sadness is coming out. You don’t need any big speeches. Just show up. Sit with her. Let her talk or not talk. You could even do something together in memory of her friend. Like draw a picture, write a little note, or plant something in the yard. Doesn’t have to be deep, just meaningful for her.
You didn’t mess up by crying. It’s good for her to know it’s OK to be sad. Don’t be surprised if her feelings and odd questions come out at weird times over the next month or year.
You husband had the right approach being direct and factual. Kids are very smart, resilient and adaptable.
She doesn’t need to say anything. She is thinking about it and processing it mentally.
If you want to give her a journal or diary (in case she doesn’t have one already for exploring her thoughts), that might be a good idea.
My friend hanged himself with his dog’s leash when he was 11 or something. He went into coma and passed away some
months later. When they broke the news in school the whole class just went to stand by the flag outside for a while, and then never mentioned him again. So maybe don’t do that.
I visited once when he was comatose at home, and visited the urn once.
His mom would pass us in the morning when we were on our way to school, always with sunglasses on to hide her face.
I had a friend die around that age. Keep talking to her. Explain customs around death. Cry in front of her and tell her it’s ok to be sad. Let her take a few mental health days from school. When her parents return, i would bring them some food and a food delivery certificate- explain thats just what you do for people. Explain the fact that children shouldn’t die before their parents, that if something my parents did that stuck with me. I became afraid of my own death when i lost a friend.
If there is a wake or veiwing where she will see the body please warn her. Go with her to all events. My dad explained to me the rage he felt when i was an adult because a few parents just dropped there kids off at the funeral and left so he and my mom ended up comforting like 8 or 9 of us.
Don’t talk down to her. She’s a child but she just grew up a lot very quickly. If it’s accessible please get her professional grief counseling.
I’m so sorry
You didn’t eff up by bursting into tears. You showed emotion that was appropriate. You showed its ok to cry and grieve. Tell her more of how you truly feel about all of it…from a mother’s perspective. This may give her a reason to open up and explore her feelings with you.
Speaking from experience, just keep checking on her. But don’t push her. Her emotional intelligence isn’t as developed as yours. My grandpa died just before I was 10. I was sad. But it didn’t hit me that hard. I didn’t cry. I didn’t lock myself in my room and was miserable. I just went on with my life because I didn’t feel the full gravity of his death. I wasn’t emotionally developed enough at that time for it to affect as much as it could’ve. But when I was 14, a friend of mine died in an accident and it crushed me. School counselors really helped me. At that time, I was more emotionally evolved and death had a different impact. Her friend was sick and she might have accepted that. She might be fine and she might not. Just keep the communication open. Everyone processes things differently and at that age, you have to accept what she says. But at the same time, keep talking to her and making sure she just wasn’t taking some time to process things and has then become mad or sad.
I have a different perspective as I was a kid whose best friend died when we were 12.
Honestly, just let her know that being emotional is ok. If she goes to a funeral or memorial service, explain what it is and what she’s likely to experience. I didn’t get this advance info and walking into the service and seeing her in her casket made it real and I had no idea she would be there to view. I still don’t do well with open viewing 40 yrs later.
There’s nothing wrong with crying but your husband is an asshole for being heartless and insensitive to his own daughter.
Give her space to grieve and let her know you’re there for her and whatever she’s feeling is okay.