I’m 33, nonbinary, and two of my queer, ride-or-die friends are pregnant (not together). I have a lot of complicated feelings around the topic and now I’d like to hear your thoughts on how to best support myself through this?
Them having kids means they’ll be less available as friends, and I feel guilty for wanting their time in the first place. I fear losing them as friends, as I can’t go visit them and help them out with their new babies that often (either I live too far or work too long hours).
I do my best to be there in messages and phone calls, try to ask the right questions without being nosy, offer support if they want it. The thing is, I don’t know if they need me to be there? I just spent a week to schedule a call with one of them even though she says she isn’t that busy.
So it looks like I need to find ways to be there for myself. I have hobbies and I’m doing my best to connect with other people who aren’t pregnant right now. I even travel solo.
But I just feel so hollow. I miss my friends and I’m grieving some shared plans that aren’t likely to happen because the babies are more important. I guess it’s very normal to feel left out but boy, it hurts.
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I lost several friends when they got kids: they phased me out in favor of their (step-)family and new friends with kids.
The couple friend who didn’t do this it works this way:
Make meeting up rather short and sweet (and child-friendly). You can literally go grocery shopping together, or head to the kid’s doctor’s appt together then go drink something, or you show up to her place with stuff. You want to keep it at 1h unless she is in for more.
She has a predictable kid-based schedule, you want to keep it in mind. Meeting last minute helps bc she can say yes/no (but then expect regular “sorry I can’t”, and enjoy the “yes”).
It’s fine to only meet 1x every other months. You’ll get your friend back in 10 years or so, and by then she’ll truly be a forever friend šĀ
> But I just feel so hollow. I miss my friends and I’m grieving some shared plans that aren’t likely to happen because the babies are more important. I guess it’s very normal to feel left out but boy, it hurts.
Totally relate! It sucks and I’m sorry for you šĀ
> I even travel solo.
I looove solo travel! Enjoy it šĀ
Before I become a mom myself, I also struggled with this. It is hard and I’m sorry you are going through it.
That being said, I am a mom now and I struggled immensely in the beginning. I don’t know how open you are to spending time with the babies but I would have loved for my friends to come over and just hold the baby while I drink a cup of coffee with them or fold laundry or even take a shower. Or someone to push the stroller while we are getting groceries or whatever. But it is also hard to ask for help. If you want to, you can offer this. Maybe several times. You can also tell them that it’s ok to cancel last minute because sometimes your baby miraculous falls asleep and 7 pm and you just want to sleep as well.
If you do not feel comfortable with spending time with their babies that is fine too! My kid is 2 now and in May I will be flying out to an old friend for a weekend alone and I am looking so forward to it! Times like this will come again and for some parents it’s sooner and for others later. But your friends won’t stop caring about you, I promise.