I’ve lived with my roommate for about a year, and while I’ve never brought it up before, I’ve always felt she had poor hygiene habits. Now that we’ve gotten our carpets replaced, it’s become even more noticeable—there’s no old carpet smell masking things anymore.
Some examples:
– I’ve had to ask her to rinse the sink after spitting in it
-I’ve asked her to wash her dishes properly (I’ve even had to rewashed some because food was still stuck on them)
– She rarely launders her bath towel
– She takes very short showers (never more than 5 minutes)
– She wears shoes inside, tracking dirt all over the new carpet.
I get the sense she might not realize these things are an issue—maybe she wasn’t taught proper hygiene growing up. It feels less like a quick fix and more like a deeper conversation needs to be had, and I’m not sure how to approach it.
One of my original conditions for living together was that she’d clean up after herself, and technically she does—just not thoroughly. She’s the second-dirtiest roommate I’ve had, and it’s wearing on me.
I don’t want to be mean, but I also need things to improve. How can I bring this up in a way that’s firm but wont hurt her feelings?
Comments
totally get why you’re feeling stuck — this is one of those awkward but necessary convos. it sounds like she’s not being intentionally gross, just maybe never learned certain habits. and that’s tricky, because you’re walking the line between setting boundaries and not making her feel judged.
i’d suggest approaching it with “we” language rather than “you” language. something like, “hey, now that we have the new carpet and everything feels fresher, i was hoping we could both be a little more mindful of keeping the place clean. there are just a few habits we might need to tighten up.” then mention the specifics in a calm, non-accusatory way.
frame it around shared space and shared comfort, not just her habits. it also helps to keep it casual and direct — don’t wait until you’re super frustrated, or it might come out more harsh than you mean.
you’re not being mean by bringing it up. living together means learning how to have these convos — and you’re allowed to want a clean space without guilt.
Any more than 5 minutes in the shower means you haven’t been washing yourself correctly for the previous 300 seconds.
this is a really difficult situation, I feel for you. I think that saying that you don’t want to make her feel bad, but that you’re someone that appreciates your environment being clean and would therefore appreciate her being mindful that it’s also your space would mean a lot to you. make it clear that you aren’t attacking her, just wanting her to respect the fact that you’re both coexisting.
Everything here is reasonable besides her shower time, you kind of sound like a hall monitor
Some people don’t treat showers like an event.. if you’re not washing your hair and spend 5 mins in the shower, I think it’s pretty reasonable ? I mean how long does it take to put soap on a sponge and rub it on your body
In this case I would pick my battles, in others words I’d list 3 to 4 things that gross you out. Not cleaning dishes properly and wearing shoes inside are gross to be fair and do impact you directly. I would explain to her that being clean was a condition for rooming together. She’ll say she does. You agree but outline a few things she needs to do or try harder with.
Yuck god bless whatever guy gets involved in that 🤮
You tell her as it is. Try to avoid very negative words like “disgusting”, “filthy” etc. but be pretty firm that this is not how grownups live. If she wants to live like this, she needs to live alone. I don’t mean by this that women should do the cleaning – but have fun living with a partner, this kind of shit is relationship ending.
You set the ground rules, but you didn’t enforce them – that’s your mistake here. The truth is that people like this are unlikely to change – especially if they don’t want to.
Get a new roomie
I lived with a person that was such a mess all the time her bedroom stunk so bad and she never wanted to clean anything I did my best for years to keep her room tidy and clean and when I finally gave up and sold my house due to the market increasing in value I said bye to her and I mopped the floor in the room she was in about 20 times and even cleaned the walls with soapy water and a wash cloth and painted and the odor never left the room some people are so depressed and have zero energy to do anything she didn’t bathe a lot and she wore the same clothes all the time and stained the sheets constantly I know it was cause of her mental health issues but after ten years of living with someone like that I sacrificed and moved away from family just to get a house that didn’t have an Hoa so I could afford it without her…unfortunately you can’t get someone to do something if they can’t cause they don’t have the energy especially if they are depressed. Unfortunately you cannot change a person and they might not ever change, you could bring it up with them and see what happens but usually that just ends up in a fight like I used to fight with my old roommate all the time about cleaning etc it could just be a losing battle to even bother bringing it up cause they might think that they are good with what they do and some people get easily offended about stuff like that so like others have said approach it like “don’t you like
To come home and have a clean house and dishes are clean and everything is nice and fresh” and “since we live together we should both Make an effort to try and keep it that way” like others said choose words carefully.
Some of her hygiene habits sound very personal, so I’d suggest focusing on the ones that directly impact both of your spaces and both of you.
Like wearing shoes inside and not cleaning dishes thoroughly. Those seem fair to bring up because they affect the cleanliness and comfort of the home you both are a part of really..
You could frame it more as a house standard or house rules conversation rather than a personal attack, which might make it easier for her to understand without feeling too bad about it.
Perhaps some of your habits annoy her too, who knows? Good luck
Find a relaxed moment when you both have time to chat without distractions. Maybe after a meal or during a chill evening at home. Begin by mentioning what you appreciate about living together. This sets a positive tone and shows that you value her as a roommate. Frame your concerns from your perspective. For example, say something like, “I’ve noticed that sometimes the sink gets a bit messy after brushing teeth, and it would really help me out if we could keep it clean.” Share your feelings honestly while being gentle.
Be polite, kind, and honest.
The shower length shouldn’t be a problem unless she stinks after taking a shower.
Many people grew up in a house where the water heater wasn’t big enough to keep water hot for thgʻe whole family. Or money was tight and they didn’t want to run the water bill up.
Military members, especially those aboard ships are taught to take 5-minute or less showers and to turn the water on and off. On a nuclear submarine, sailors areÿ required to shower daily. However, that shower may only last for 1 or 2 minutes. Y
You get in the shower, turn on the water to rinse yourself off with water. Then turn the water off and soap up including hair and then turn the water on and than rinse off.
Do that in less than 2 minutes and you might be able to become a submariner.
As far as spitting in the sink after brushing her teeth, just talk to her about it or ask her to clean the sink weekly and explain why.
For dishes just wait to tell her until you have a couple of dishes that need to be rewashed after going through the dishwasher. Explain that the dishwasher doesn’t clean dried on food after it’s had several days to dry up and that she needs to scrub the dishes better so that doesn’t happen.
As for shoes just tell her it’s not allowed angʻþþ kindly correct gfgʻ
Time to get a new roommate, my ex gf twin sister was just like that. My gf, wouldn’t say a thing, their floors are white tile throughout the 3 bedroom. Try keeping that clean. Every month. Almost fainted when drying off, my nose passed her drying off towel, dear God I was floored.
The first 2 examples are issues. The other 2 are not.
This sounds like a you problem
I dealt with this and realized I simply couldn’t live with anyone whose standards weren’t the same and ended up subleasing with an agreement rather than a standard roommate arrangement so that I had more control over the situation. There are a LOT of dirty people out there and few of them will ever change.
None of the examples are really hygiene. They are habits.
You are not going to fix a sloppy person with a talk. New room mate time :-{
Show her this post. Like hang it up on the refrigerator or common area. I had a roommate like this in college. She was severely overweight and did not own washcloths. I was too afraid of saying anything because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I just ended up moving. Wishing you the best!!
A lot of this stuff is none of your business and doesn’t effect you.
I don’t think 5 minutes is that short for a shower? Don’t comment on that.. I would think it was weird if someone was timing my showers anyway.
I’m a stickler for shoes off inside as well but not everyone is.. you might have to have a conversation on that one.
If you share a sink and dishes then the other two are fair enough.