This friend is the sweetest person I know, but she has severe anxiety and the smallest hint of rejection makes her literally throw up from the anxiety. I have to handle this delicately, but I have no idea how.
Her driving terrifies me. She speeds.. like petal to the floor from a stop sign especially in parking lots, she breaks last minute, she tailgates, she rides lines and can barely keep her car straight in her lane, and she hesitates on every decision. She blows stop signs for some reason, she can’t park or pull out of a parking space.. I think the scariest thing is how completely oblivious she is to her surroundings. That mixed with no sense of direction, and were left circling a parking lot at high speeds looking for an open spot when we just passed 5 she didn’t notice.
You might be thinking, “easy fix, just drive yourself.” Well, I don’t have my license anymore, it expired during COVID. I moved away from my parents in that time and didn’t have a car to drive. The appointments for tests with test cars were a year backed up, and I couldn’t book anything in time before my license expired. Basically the drive test ladies said I was SOL. With living on my own handling a full time job and full time school, I just haven’t had the time. BUT I finally have a time slot booked to do my test this month! Yay!
The whole thing sucks because she keeps asking me to go on road trips with her, but there’s no chance I’m going on the highway with her, or an unfamiliar busy city. I’ve raced dirtbikes competitively since I was 7, maybe I have a heightened sense of awareness but the things she misses and her late reactions could be life threatening.
She can be very defensive, in a nice way. But I have no idea how to talk to her about this. I really really need some advice or even creative but valid excuses to avoid getting in the car with her.
Comments
There’s been no other slight hint of rejection for the entirety of your relationship? How long have you been friends.
Tell her her driving makes you anxious. Hopefully she can empathize. Then hold her hair back while she pukes.
Interests conflict. That’s life. She’ll be fine, probably would be good for her.
Your priority should be your safety IMO.
Go in very small stages.
Tell her it’s nothing personal with her, but you feel she lacks important and learnable skills that make you fearful of driving with her.
Then give her some space to digest that without fully unpacking anything more.
If she can handle and digest that without it turning into a fight or without her breaking down, then supply her the next stage of constructive criticism by expressing the highest priority thing on what you think she could do to change how you feel when she’s driving you.
Instead of “you’re doing wrong”, focus on what she could do to make you feel safer. “The way I help myself feel safe when I drive, is by doing ”
If she can handle one constructive comment, you can add another, then another.
You can offer to show her what would feel safe to you as a passenger while driving so you can educate her on what you do to feel safe as a driver.
Lastly, you should stay firm in your boundaries, and you should keep this impersonal and treat her in a similar way you might educate a 3 year old about sharing— gently, calmly, and confident that they are a wonderful person, and a wonderful friend, and the way they do something is not a reflection on the kind of person they are; merely it’s a sign of a lack of education.
Go very slow, and if they take it personally take a step back, tell her you had no intention of hurting her feelings then just back off until she feels ready to talk to you about it.
It might take time. You might need to go slow. And you might need to be very patient and watchful of how she’s managing each small part, but aim for the ultimate goal of her desiring you to gently educate her so she can become a driver you would feel safe with.