Hello all! I have been warring with this in my head for ages and I need some outside opinions.
I (f27) got engaged about 2 months ago! He’s the love of my life and my best friend. Cliché, I know, but I’m living the dream lol
My relationship with my biodad is rocky at best. And I have decided that it would be best for him to not come to our wedding. If you asked him, im sure he’d say that our relationship is fine, that Im distant, but we’re fine. I’m on very low contact with him. This is for a lot of reasons. When my mom divorced him he took a lot of his anger out on my younger brother and myself, though honestly I think I got the worst of it. He would yell and throw things almost daily, and after mom left that made me “the woman of the house” (his words) and I was expected to take up all the household chores at the age of 12. Im not kidding. I still remember the list: vacuuming, mopping, mowing, dishes, all animal care (2 dogs), cleaning doggie droppings in the yard, laundry, dusting, etc. At the time, I was promised 20 dollars at the end of every week if everything got done. I was paid maybe a handful of times from the start to my high school graduation. My brother wasn’t asked or forced to do any of this like I was. If I didn’t feel like doing the chores knowing I wasn’t actually going to get paid, I’d get punished. But I figured out a good rhythm, and could get the entire list done in just over 2 hours if I really worked my butt off.
Then he started dating again. It was a revolving door of women for a while. And I don’t need to tell every horror story that came out of those experiences, the important one is his current relationship. I’m going to call her J.
J was a single mother of a classmate of mine after her husband passed. They lived about a block away from us and as best as I know that’s how they met. J has 2 kinds of her own about my age, and to be perfectly frank I cant stand her. She smokes, she assumes she can take whatever she wants without asking, she’s rude, and she’ll act really nice when she gets what she wants but if you try to set boundaries she becomes a nightmare. Screaming, crying, profanity, and if you walk away she’ll text you novels about how you’re wrong and a horrible person.
After a few months of dating, J moved into our home with her 2 dogs…. leaving her 2 teenage kids (and the cats) in the house around the corner to do whatever they pleased. This is when I found out J was also a slob. She never did any work around the house (still my job) and couldnt hold a job longer than 6 months. She’d yell at me constantly because she’d promise that she’d take care of the laundry or dishes and then never do it. It’d pile up until no one had clean clothes and Id do it. Then all of a sudden i had “ruined her whites”. Not to mention she was several sizes bigger than me and would “borrow” my clothes and stretch them out, and wouldn’t understand why I would get so upset about this.
During this time I was week-on-week-off with my parents. When i was with my mother, no one would do the chores, so theyd pile up and wait for me to return. Imagine this: A weeks worth of dirty dishes, pots and pans, piled up in a sink full of water and left to sit until it’s all swimming in Grey matter. That’s what I got to come back to every other week.
When I was 18 I got a job and needed a car. My dad who i was living with full time at this point (for the job) bought a pos Kia sephia from our neighbors for less than 500 bucks. It was trashed. Sand and gravel an inch think on the floors, stank of cigarettes, and needed some parts. The agreement was that I’d help fix the car, and clean it up and I could use it for getting to work, but I had to share it with J when I wasn’t working. I spent 3 days power washing and cleaning and de-stankifying this car. It was a lot of work! But at the end of the day it ran and I was proud of what I’d worked on. Immediately after it got cleared for daily use I caught J smoking in the car and I politely asked her not to do that after I spent so long making it not reek. She blew up at me for being disrespectful, but agreed to keep the cigarette out of the window when she was driving. Good enough I guess.
Then I noticed that whenever I filled the gas tank (also my responsibility) I’d get through maybe one shift at work before J would take it and return hours later with an empty tank. So I started only filling the tank up as much as I needed. She caught on fast and confronted me about it. I explained, and she blew up at me again. I was pretty used to it at this point, so I turned and went to work as she screamed after me.
When I got home from that long and hellish shift my father had come home from work early and was sitting on my bed. Apparently she’d called him and spun some story about how I cursed her out. The thing is, when I was young I was very soft spoken and never really stood up for myself. So I pointed out how it was an obvious lie and my dad didn’t look angry, he just looked lost. He told me I could either apologize for the stuff with the car and what I’d apparently said, or… I could move out. That was the final straw. I realized right there my awful, neglectful, sexist father would never stand up for me. Never fight for what was best for his only daughter. All he cared about was getting laid.
So i moved out of my childhood home and in with my mom and bonus dad.
After a few months of the silent treatment I was guilted into visiting from time to time. J and I still cant stand each other, but we’re civil. Since I’ve moved out my younger brother has also been chased out of our home and he now lives with our paternal grandmother. J has moved her kids into our old childhood bedrooms. It still hurts knowing that my brother and I were effectively replaced. No one takes care of the house anymore and last time i visited to let them meet my now fiancé it was falling apart. I was embarrassed and ashamed that my partner saw that. I didnt know it had gotten that bad.
He still thinks we’re fine because I lack the guts to really call him out for everything. I moved out of state for college and settled there, and invited my brother to come out and see what my city was like. My biodad invited himself along and I spent the whole trip absolutely boiling on the inside. I really think my biodad came along only so my brother wouldn’t get any ideas about leaving too. Since I left he’s become the household work horse, and I feel immense guilt about that too. It feels like I left my little brother alone in a tank full of sharks with no way out.
I want to point out that my relationship with my mom and bonus-dad is great! They’ve always been supportive of what I chose to pursue, and bonus-dad has played more of a father figure in my life than the man who made me did.
My mom and bonus-dad cant be in the same room as biodad. The divorce was messy, and while I never witnessed anything I was told biodad got violent on at least one occasion.
I want my mom and bonus-dad and all my siblings to be at my wedding more than anything, which means regardless of however I feel about it biodad cant be there. I think this will hurt him, and he might even cry. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but if I don’t do this it’ll all just be worse later. Friends who know the whole story say this is a good opportunity to say my piece and go no-contact, but I’m struggling to navigate this. I’m angry and sad and scared of how they will all react. I mourn who my biodad was before the divorce, and it’s hard letting that go.
I need help finding my words on how to tell him he’s not going to be invited to my wedding, or any other major life event.
If you’ve read this far you’re a saint. I’m sorry for writing such a book, but I felt like replies wouldn’t mean much without context. I only put the big events in this post but there were a million little things that added up too. I cant help but still see him as a towering figure of rage and hurt or recall the memories of who he was when he taught me how to fish or ride a bike.
How does anyone do this?
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Text- (first name) you are not invited to my wedding. Hit send. Hit block. Block the shrew and her brood too.
You could say why-
Then block them all.
Don’t even tell him the date of the wedding.
If he finds out, tell him he’s neither wanted nor invited. Don’t discuss. Don’t explain. Block his number.
Have a friend run security for you with a picture of him and his partner. The friend can make sure your day isn’t disturbed.
I’m so sorry you went through all these. Don’t let him come to your wedding. The person who was your dad from your memory had long gone. This is not him, it probabaly was never him; it’s probably just a false memory.
As for your brother, you were trying to survive yourself. You were a child, and it wasn’t your responsibility to save your brother. He has parents. They should be the people who helped him.
Don’t worry about how your biodad feels. If he cries, good. If he can’t see why you do what you do, it’s on him. You don’t owe him anything, not even an explanation, not even a hint. Let him be.
I hope you’ll have the support, strength, and wisdom to get through all these. Wedding planning on its own would be stressful enough on a good day.
Sending you lots of love. Good luck, my girl. Have a wonderful wedding!
Hire a singing telegram, write him through the us mail, broadcast it over the radio.
It doesn’t really matter how you tell them. You were parentified by taking care of him and J. They’re not your responsibility, and even though you may feel so since you’re a decent person and they’ve conditioned you to care for them (you were the parent). Let them know in whatever way is easiest to you or easiest to stand up for yourself to where you’ll stand by not having them at the wedding.
Congratulations on your engagement and wedding! This is your wedding and about you and not them. I would be doing the same and not inviting them in your position. However they feel about, they feel about. Its not your job to soothe them in any way after you tell them.
You can do this. Im proud of you.
I think it’ll be useful if you reframe your idea of what hurting somebody means.
In this case, you are being honest about your feelings and prioritizing the happiness and comfort of the folks you care about.
If he chooses to be hurt and not acknowledge his part on this, then it’s on him.
There will also be people who’ll feel “hurt” if they dont get away with what they want. You can’t carry that burden.
Sorry I don’t know if there is a right or wrong way to do this… I personally would simply go no contact (I have with my own abusive parents) and not even tell him there’s a wedding. Abusive parents ruin special events on purpose even when they are invited. If they are confronted with what they have done as the reason for not being invited, given how they don’t care about boundaries and especially given how his wife is vindictive and dishonest, I could absolutely see them doing something to ruin the day. They will absolutely blame you for everything. I don’t know that there’s a good way to confront them.
Text or email, if you don’t feel ready to go fully no-contact or to just block him:
“I know this may come as a surprise or be hurtful, but I need to let you know that I don’t feel like our relationship is in the place that I would need it to be, to include you in my wedding. I hope we can move forward some day, but we’re not there yet and so I’m making this decision. If you want to know about my reasons, I’m open to that. But I need you to respect my wishes here, and I’m not open to debating my decision.”
Remember – you don’t need him to understand or approve of your decision to make it valid. And you don’t have to tell him now that this is your policy for all future life events.
Honey, you are spending so much time worrying about the feelings of someone who never cares about your feelings. You deserve better. He wouldn’t hesitate to hurt your feelings and he did so when he asked you to move out.
Telling him he isn’t invited to the wedding isn’t nearly as bad as what he has done to you, so let him see how it feels. Enjoy your day guilt free.
>I’m angry and sad and scared of how they will all react.
Are you? Are you scared of their reaction? Or are you scared because you know that it means that you’re going to have to truly face what you already know, that your biological father isn’t the father you deserved to have?
I know exactly how hard it is to truly face that for the for the first time. It’s one thing to say it. To know it in a “that’s just how life is” sort of way. And it is an entirely different thing to know it, with your heart, in a “my daddy doesn’t actually love me” little girl way.
You don’t have to tell him. If you haven’t shared any real details of the wedding, you can simply choose not to have this difficult conversation with him. Don’t discuss any wedding details (especially the date), and simply don’t send an invite.
If you are ready to have this conversation, I’d just be blunt and to the point. “I won’t be sending an invitation for my wedding. You were not a good dad after the divorce, and I’m not interested in the drama that you’d bring with you.”
And please, please be seeing a therapist so you have someone qualified to help you after this discussion. Maybe plan the talk with your biodad the day before you have a therapy appointment scheduled (with an established therapist familiar with your situation). You deserve to be supported, and to have help navigating all of the turmoil this may bring up for you.
Text you dad. Tell him he isnt invited to your wedding. Block him and his shrew on everything. He’s isnt a father.
You don’t have to. Boundaries are yours to draw and enforce. They don’t require permission.
You also don’t have to pick up or return his calls.
Anything you say to him will be received as an argument. So don’t engage.
If he somehow corners you about the wedding, just say “I no longer wish to have any contact with you. So you and your messy gf can fuck off and leave me and my family alone.”
If you want to give more detail, tell him you haven’t been his daughter in years. You’ve been the maid. Tell him he knew damn well he and his gf mistreated you, and you are not interested in any sort of relationship with him ever again.
If you want to make it hurt, tell him your step dad is walking you down the aisle because he’s been the father figure that your dad never was.
tbh I would still invite your dad but not invite J.
“Dad, I’ve given this a lot of thought. You made my childhood hell. You never prioritized me or treated me like your daughter. I was simply your live in maid. J has been nothing but awful to me and you allowed it.
Steve and I are getting married and honestly, I only want people there who love us both and who make our lives better. I’m pretty sure you feel blindsided, because in your selfish way, you think we have a good relationship. We don’t. We never had. Consequently, you aren’t being invited to the wedding.
I’m sure you understand, and I appreciate your cooperation.”
Just send him a message. Pour ALL your grievances out and then end it with why he won’t be there and hit block.
You’ve dealt with this enough. You barely have a relationship and it’s more stress than it’s worth.
Why are you worried if he gets mad? You’re an adult. You aren’t going to be ‘in trouble.’ You can’t get ‘in trouble’ anymore. I know it FEELS like you’re in trouble, but I PROMISE you, you are not. If the dude gets mad, the dude gets mad. Who cares? Consider hiring security to keep him out. And, why do you have to say anything? Just don’t send him an invitation. If he finds out anyway through the family grapevine and calls you to find out where his invitation is, you just say, “You’re not invited. I don’t want you there. You were never there for me when it mattered, and that ship has sailed. You don’t get to enjoy the good parts after the way you treated me growing up. The end. Please leave me alone.”
And just like that, you’re free.
I’ve personally found the book “Adult children of emotionally immature parents” by Lindsay Gibson very helpful in navigating difficult relationships, including parents. It gives good advice on how to process the difficult feelings your struggling with. I can recommend the book.
Your father is allowed to be sad and cry. It’s also not your job to manage his emotions as he’s an adult. If he struggles with being sad, he can look for advice and guidance. Just like you are for your struggles. You’re not sitting on your ass waiting for your biodad to swoop in and smooth everything out. If your biodad is moping on his ass waiting for you to fix things, let him sit on his ass. He’s an adult.
The fact you haven’t cut him out of your life completely shows you have major trauma from him. You will never find full peace, and healing when you keep abusive people in your life, even low contact.
You don’t owe him anything. No is a complete sentence. Tell him NO he isn’t invited. End of story. You get to choose how peaceful your life will be, and removing abusers, and anyone who enables abuse is the first step in finding peace and healing.
He never once worried about your feelings. You owe him nothing. Only tell him he’s not invited if he asks. Give no details.
I cannot fathom how a father can do this to his own daughter and son for some woman. I wish I could hug you because I can relate to being the eldest sibling. I am the eldest son and I have a sis and a brother.
I would gladly move out of the home if I had to but I don’t want it to happen for my siblings (it’d break my heart). I literally kiss my little brother on his cheeks while he’s asleep they mean the world to me. I would love to have children one day too. I can’t imagine how someone tells their own minor children to move out. I feel you I really do.