I (33F) have a good friend (31F) who has a very large dog in a small, old apartment. She takes great care of him and washes him regularly, but the house…not so much. It’s covered in dog hair and just general grime from her being too busy to clean. For years, I’d guess. She clearly tidies, but I don’t think she’s ever actually cleaned. And lord, the smell. It’s overwhelming. It’s gotten to the point where when I go visit her, my partner asks me to take a towel in the car that I can sit on on the way home, because the smell sinks into our car’s fabric and takes weeks to air out. When I get home, I always immediately shower and start a load of laundry with the clothes I was wearing, just to feel clean again.
I’ve started asking to meet outside her house, but it’s tricky since where we live it’s cold and rainy like 9 months out of the year. She also won’t leave her dog at home, so wherever we go has to be giant-dog-friendly, which is pretty much nowhere indoors (including my house, which is strictly dog-free). So we pretty much always wind up at her place.
But now, I’m finding myself going over less and less often because I just can’t stand being in her house. I think it’s time to tell my friend about the situation. The thing is, I think she knows, she just doesn’t care. Like she’ll make comments about how she needs to clean…she just never does. Will telling her it’s affecting my ability to spend time with her be helpful, or is there a better way to bring this up? Should I just bust in with a bunch of cleaning equipment like I would with my sister and be like “OKAY TOUGH LOVE.” 😂
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You just tell your friend the truth, that you don’t want to go to her house anymore because it smells so bad.
Sometimes dog people can’t smell it. Ive definitely popped out and come back home and realised my house smells a bit “doggy”.
As someone who owns two Australian Shepherds (long coated shedders), I recommend:
a good wet dry vacuum for the couch, rugs and any soft furnishings.
Washing their bedding once a week
Regular spritzing of plush puppy odour muncher: https://plushpuppy.com.au/product/odour-muncher/?srsltid=AfmBOortBfjMAg94h2BgQWS4yyeDKKJYBVhyv5MkjRiMRfT4MT25wiW1
This is the Aussie link, but I’m sure there’s a US (or wherever you are) version.
Yes, tell everything 🙂 and offer to help. I wouldn’t worry too much about how and exactly what to say. It’s clear you love her from putting up with it thus far. Just keep that love in the message.
I get how complicated it is to bring that up. Having people pleasing tendencies, I’d look for a very soft way to put it.
You could either act, like you only started noticing the smell getting worse recently (and ask if she needs help with the deep clean if you’re that close and willing to help) or maybe tell her you’re developing some sort of allergies and reacting to fur/dust, and request her to keep the environment more clean before your visit. If this doesn’t work, why not meet outside the house?
I think I would go with something like ‘ hey, I’ve gotta be straight with you. I have a really strong sense of smell and I love your dog, but their scent just really sticks to my clothes, it’s pretty overpowering. You know I love spending time with you, but we might just have to stick to outdoors, or mine if you can leave dog for a while’. I wouldn’t offer to help clean, because I imagine that even if I did, the problem would just return. Plus I’m barely on top of my own life, parenting, cleaning, work, etc, I don’t have the energy to clean someone else’s house. I do have a really strong sense of smell and I wouldn’t be able be in this persons home by the sounds of it.
She’s unwilling to leave her dog at home for even 2-3 hours? Yikes
One thing to remember is that since she’s there so much it’s possible she just doesn’t smell it anymore. So it’s possible she’s not like, letting her house stink on purpose. It’s kind of like how I barely smell my litterboxes after my cats anymore, because I’m so used to it. Not that they stink since I regularly clean them, but of course they still smell, that’s just part of having pets. But I can only really ever tell at all when I’ve been away from my apartment for hours and hours and then first come home.
You should still talk to your friend, and be up front and honest, and maybe give her a few suggestions on how to clean her apartment to at least help with the smell. But just keep in mind that she might be surprised if she genuinely can’t smell it all that much anymore.
Be honest. She lives there, so chances are, she doesn’t even smell it anymore.
Maybe she runs into more issues with social settings and doesn’t know why.
Maybe you can blame the dog hair? “Do you mind if we go hang somewhere else? Last time I was over it triggered my allergies and I might be sensitive to the hair/dander.”
That’s a hard one because people have nose blindness and can’t smell it,
I have a friend whose house smells like she’s storing a dead dog in it. Her dog was old and probably should have been euthanized 2 years earlier than she did it.
Men she’d bring over would tell her the house smelled, she didn’t believe them. She asked her friends.. we agreed that the house smelled, she didn’t believe us, and got mad at anyone that said.. “yes your house smells like your dog already died in it”
She didn’t do anything about it because she couldn’t smell it.
Her parents even stopped going over because the house smelled so bad.. but she just put it down to covid.. even though her parents straight up said why they weren’t coming inside her house, she still convinced herself it was because of Covid.
Some people just will not believe you, and some will get angry at you, and others may fix the situation.
First of all, what exactly does it smell like? Is it a wet dog smell or is more than that? Houses can get dirty (dusty, etc.) but since you say she washes the dog, it really shouldn’t be a dog smell. I’ve got a very strong sense of smell, and I’ve visited friends whose homes have a lot of dog hair, but they’ve never smelled. Are there dirty dishes lying around? Is the bathroom filthy? Does it smell like the dog poos or pees in the house?
If you find that the smell is so strong it sticks to you in the car, I assume your friend has a very strong odour herself. Does she have a job or spend any time with other people? Does she date? I would think this would be affecting her life. You say she claims to be too busy to clean – that makes me think she has a job. If so, maybe she could afford to have someone come in a clean once in a while.
On the other hand, are you certain that you’re not just super sensitive to certain scents? Does your husband smell the odour when you get in the car coming from her place? If her place smells so bad that you have to go to such extremes after visiting, she must be suffering from some sort of mental illness to not be aware, since anyone she interacts with would smell this odour too.
You are a good friend to want to help her. Although it’s always tough to tell someone something negative about themself, in this case, it really does seem necessary. Maybe you could phrase it along the lines of: “Hey, I really treasure our friendship and love seeing you, but your house has a very strong odour that really affects me. Would you like some help in figuring out what it is?”
I’ve had this exact conversation with someone where I straight up just one day said “I’m sorry but I have to be honest. I’m sensitive to bad smells and you really smell like dog. I know you love your dog but not everyone is a dog person.” I mentioned too that the smell would stick to the cars and clothes and literally everything. I offered to help clean even though it was denied. I’m also allergic to some dogs so I did ultimately have to stop going there but they did make an effort to clean. If your friend cares about your friendship she will make the effort as long as you are gentle yet stern with how you tell her.
I actually had to do this with a friend, except to tell them that it was them that smelled not their house. It was honestly one of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had with anyone, but I am so so glad that I did it. I can give you my strategy if you are interested. But we are still best friends (convo happened over five years ago) and they’ve told me a few times how glad they are that I said something because they had no idea how bad it was. We can even joke about it these days!
I have a neighbour whose house I won’t visit again bc it smells like male body odor. e.g. her 20 something yo son.
A good friend can say ,with love, what nobody else will. How is her self care? As someone whose dogs were/ are my only family, and who has lived alone with them for 24 years, at the down times, I only cared for my pets, but not myself or my home, sadly …I did have undiagnosed ADHD though… isolation can really affect our motivation. Can she afford a one off deep clean maybe? You’re a good friend. PS giant dogs usually love being out in all weathers, there are private dog parks with cabins for the humans here in rainy UK…if all else fails, maybe look for one of those to meet up at?
I’ve been concerned about similar in my house, and sometimes ask friends if it smells.
I don’t really believe them when they say no but I’ve made efforts before their arrival so maybe.
I would really want someone to tell me. Some people don’t know how to clean, or are concerned febreeze isn’t safe for dogs, etc.
You should help her, it sounds like she needs it. She may be overwhelmed and cannot get going to clean. Just be honest with her, in a loving way, and tell her you’d like to help her get her place clean.
Please tell her honestly and lovingly. I would die if my friends knew I smelled bad or my house smelled bad and they kept it secret from me. Because if one person is noticing then everyone else is definitely noticing. You know the whole criticism sandwich thing? Where you layer something critical in between nice things to soften the blow? “I love you and I value our friendship. This is a little hard to say because I don’t want to make you feel bad but I need to let you know your house smells very doggy and it’s bad enough that sometimes I don’t want to come over here. I want to spend time with you, you are an important friend. Maybe I can help you clean your house.”
She’s nose blind! I have two golden retrievers and 2 cats. I definitely have recognized that there’s a dog smell in this house, even though I vacuum, dust, mop, etc. But when I went to a friends house for the weekend to watch her dogs for her, I brought my blanket with me and it wasn’t until I was at her house that I realized the funk of my blanket. I was so embarrassed. We are moving into a new house in a couple of weeks and I bought a couple of air purifiers, a roomba, and will be getting the dogs groomed before we move into. Truly sometimes people don’t realize because they are desensitized to it! It’s okay to be honest, just be kind and graceful about it.
Tell her. I had to have a similar conversation with a family member who had grown nose-blind to the situation; he tidied but never really deep-cleaned and his house just smelled like dog. Changing air filters, mopping the floors, buying new dog beds and vacuuming in between couch cushions made a huge, huge difference and it only took him a morning.
I’ve done this before. You need to be direct but not rude.
I’ve also just been in the gross house and said, do you have a vacuum?
Both worked. You know your friend, you know what will work. Make sure to tell her you care for her and just want to hang out. It’s not about judging.
I think that you should be honest with her and maybe offer to fund a deep cleaning for the house.
Buy her a deep clean for her birthday or something like that.
“Let’s hang out. Want to come over?”
“I would love to see you, but we need to have a serious and incredibly awkward conversation. First I want you to know that I love you and I love our friendship and what I’m about to say to isn’t intended to hurt you but it’s to make you aware of some of these boundaries I need to lay down. I hope you can listen to me in full without being defensive. I’ve put off this conversation for a really long time because I’m deeply afraid it would change our friendship and I’m afraid of losing it.
But here it goes. I can’t come over any more. I know you are super busy. I know dog is your family. I love dog too. But your house stinks girl. Like, my partner has asked me to sit on a towel on the way home because the smell lingers in our car fabric bad. I know you are nose blind to it. But I have to be real with you. It’s really not healthy. It makes me worried about you honestly. It makes our hangouts uncomfortable and from my end not at enjoyable for me as they should be. I love our company, I just can’t be in the environment any more.
Like I said, I’m not saying this to try and offend you. I’m saying this because I cannot go on pretending like I’m ok with it. You won’t hangout anywhere where dog can’t be. Like I said I don’t mind dog. He’s a good dog, but you unwilling to meet without him makes it so we have to hang at your place when there’s crappy weather and it’s almost always crappy.
If you don’t have time to deep clean, then have you ever considered hiring cleaners? I know it’s expensive, but if time is money it would take that off your plate and your home would be a whole lot healthier.
I’m sorry I needed to lay this down on you, but it was a long time coming. I can’t avoid our hangouts and honestly it would be unfair if I just ghosted. I would rather be honest with you.”
I have a neighbor with two very friendly dogs. They seem clean and well taken care of (the neighbor is an ass, but that’s another story) but one day one of the the dogs jumped on me and licked me and I swear the smell followed me FOR WEEKS. I think I came home, initially washed my hands and went about my day, but I swear I must have transferred the smell to other surfaces in the house. I washed everything in the house and it eventually went away. I had never experienced anything like it before.
I have two small dogs and a cat. My cousin has one giant dog. We live in the same apartment complex. Whenever we go to each other’s house we also go “does my house smell like animal?” Because being in there all day we no longer smell anything. The animals do get routine grooming. We have candles, incense, and fabuloso on a pot at all times. But still, you get a bit self conscious because animals smell.
But if I go to her house and it smells stuffy I go “Girl, it smells like your dog in here” and Vice Versa. I’d rather a close friend tell me the truth than for someone come over and act like everything is nice but then gagging on the inside.
I would love if someone came and body doubled with me to clean. As said before you can’t really smell your own house. So if you don’t say something as a close friend who will?
Also air purifier machines are great.
A friend of mine had 4 dogs and her car smelled like dead dog. I told her as much and next time she had one of those car scents so the car smelled like dead dog with cherries.
It’s a tough situation and with some dogs there’s nothing you can do to make it smell “nice”. Maybe she can do some damage reduction at best. Luckily, she will be immune to the smell by now. Sucks for her visitors though.
You would be a good friend if you said something or helped her clean. It seems like she has an idea there is an issue since she does bring it up often. Next time she brings it up don’t brush over it and say do you want me to help you, let’s plan it. Or if she has a smaller apartment you can say “ oh I wonder if we can find a cleaner in your budget wouldn’t that be nice?” You can ask on local Facebook and usually find cleaners.
I would pay for a cleaner to do a deep clean as a gift, she will benefit everyone will and gift giving is my love language. But that’s just me lol.
Buy her a cleaning service for her birthday. It’s expensive but your friendship must be worth something
Take a before and after for reference
I guess she doesn’t see the grime anymore and a pic is worth 1k words
“I think I’m developing dog allergy to some breeds, and I think your dog might be one of them.”
I wonder if a little lie would help, perhaps tell her you have a slight allergy to something in her house. She might get the hint, maybe?
I’ve been in this exact situation OP.
Me and another friend had to have an “intervention” of sorts because her tiny 600 sq ft apartment had 1 cat and 13 rats and 2 bunnies…. Smelled absolutely horrendous. Seeped into her clothes. She would do laundry and you could still smell it on her if you met her anywhere. She lives in the downtown area so her spot is a good place to meet,,, but we always stayed outside. Just took smelly.
It was so strange cuz she would have guys stay over and they would say nothing. Her place is DISGUSTING and the smell makes me want to puke.
It was really tough talking to her because she is extremely sensitive and has a lot of mental health issues (as indicated by the many many animals). It wasn’t easy but im glad we talked to her.
Unfortunately the smell is still there but it’s WAY better.
It’s tough to be honest with the ones you care about but only the people who really care about you will say something. As painful and awkward as it is, I would absolutely always want my friends to tell me the truth and be real with me. If you can’t , then we don’t really have a great friendship.
For different reasons, me and my smelly friend aren’t as close. Mainly bc she is rushing to have a kid she is unprepared for with a dude that has no prospects.
Yes 🙂 If you’re willing to help clean, personally I would offer. If this was my best friend I would definitely be willing to put in some elbow grease to be more comfortable in their home in this situation. I would say I’m not used to this amount of animal hair and understand she had a lot going on with the care of the dog and I would like to help.
On my end, I would definitely welcome the big ol’ pupper into my home but I’m able to do that. I can understand that’s not your situation.
Being in a cold, rainy climate for 9 months a year doesn’t help much with dog smell either.
My mate lives with 2 cats and they piss everywhere but of course he can’t smell it, even though it absolutely STINKS!!
I just told him straight it smells bad, and that he needs to get a black light so he can see where they’re pissing and put deterrents down ect. I’ve not been there since, but I can imagine it still smells really bad 😒
Now I’m paranoid as a dog owner lol. I’ve been really bad at deep cleaning the past year due to depression. But I have an air purifier I run daily.
Is there a way to check if your apartment smells?
Please, just tell her!
I have two cats and a small dog in my apartment. I’m aware that having pets = having to deal with smells of all kinds. I clean my apartment all the time. I steam clean my carpets and couch regularly.
I ask people who come into my home to just tell me if it smells bad so I can fix it. I live here, so I may not be aware because of “nose blindness.” I want people to feel comfortable and welcome in my home and not pass out from bad pet smells.
Be kind when you tell her. Don’t make it a judgment on her character. But also be straightforward and tell the truth. As a pet owner, it really shouldn’t shock her.
It’s not that serious if it’s your a real friend just walk in and say girl what is that smell the apartment gives off we need to do something about it then make suggestions. Rather than gossiping about her online makes no sense. Then go to the dollar store and get some remedies. Go buying cleaning supplies take them over and make a joke out of it say you need this and you are my friend. Take snacks and drinks if y’all are real friends it shouldn’t take any thought just do it. It’s no strategy just tell her point blank let’s clean up it’s starting to smell in here. I had a friend whose family house was horrible. I didn’t ask any questions I just went over with cleaning supplies and started no questions asked. They laughed said they felt bad I was cleaning the home then they just started to help didn’t change nothing. If it changed or relationships I would not care. I care more about the need to be true to myself and hold them accountable being a real friend because I’m not sitting around in no one’s nasty house and not saying anything about it. I’m not going to talk about you behind your back. I rather talk about you in a loving way in your face.
Maybe offer to help her clean her house.
This feels a bit extreme.. I have a friend with hoarding tendencies who lives in a tiny house with a Great Dane and 3 toddlers, and her house doesn’t smell… extremely messy and nowhere to sit, yes, but it’s not so bad that I need to sit on a towel on the way home.
All you can do is not go over her house as much. Ask her to go out for dinner to a place you’ve wanted to try (not dog friendly) and say it would be nice if it could just be the two of you and not the dog. She’ll say yes or she’ll say no.
Regardless you’re at the point of no longer going over her home, so either she goes to your house, you go out, or slowly just stop hanging out. In my friend’s case, we have never brought up her house, she’s already well aware it’s bad. She’s extremely sensitive to it too, so I wouldn’t dream of saying anything.
Blame it on mould.
Say hey did you know your house has a smell, and it’s been getting worse, and now my partner can notice it on my clothes after I’ve been at your place – are you feeling ok? Can you smell it? I’m worried you have mould! I saw a post on this girl who had black mould and etc etc. maybe it’s just dog smell but what if it’s mould? I think you should get a deep cleaning service in just make sure etc.
Honestly- I wouldn’t bring it up, specifically. I’d be vague. “Hey girl I’m sorry but I can’t go to your place anymore. For some reason whenever I go to your house something triggers my allergies and then I have to take antihistamines and those make me tired… so do you think we can catch up at the park from now on?
I think this could be iffy depending on delivery but you could get them a deep cleaning service as bday or xmess gift. I think you’d need to say things like “I’d love to have a cleaning man or service” or other ways to make them not feel self conscious.
How close are you and her? Bc ill be honest i struggle deeply with cleaning and my friend has helped me before bc she knows its hard for me so i was wondering if u feel comfortable enough to nicely bring it up and if u are willing to say youll help her clean. Maybe she doesnt know how? Tbh I didn’t rly know how to clean well my mom never taught me basic life skills so when she passed away i kinda had to figure things out on my own but since i never knew how to do anything it was hard but i was embarrassed to admit that i didnt know how to do things like clean cook laundry dishes etc….so idk if ur friend is similar to me or not.
And if ur friend makes good money and if she thinks she can afford it maybe ask her if shed be interested in hiring a house cleaner service maybe even once a week? Just to keep her place clean and she wont have to worry.
Next time she invites you over just be honest and say the mess/odor is NOT a reflection on her value as a person or your friendship. Say it is not just you but your SO has noticed the odor too and that you are both concerned about her health.
Offer to help her clean up a bit or maybe chip in for a professional cleaning service who can spend a couple hours cleaning a bit to help get her started. Some people just need a little bit of a push to get things done.
Stick to what is most authentic to you- are you a direct person ?
If so, tell her that her house smells like dog and it’s so strong it sticks with you even after you leave .
If not , tell her , that you want to tell her something that may be a little awkward and you hope it doesn’t come off the wrong way. Lately, I noticed that your home has a strong dog smell and it tends to cling to your clothes. You know that it’s not because she’s not a clean person and you really don’t want to accidentally offend her but you wanted to bring it up because sometimes it’s so strong it’s uncomfortable to be in the house for too long .
Or something .
Personally, I appreciate people being polite, but when it comes to saving me from embarrassment (something in my teeth, a booger in my nose, bad breath, my undies showing ) I prefer a direct approach . Preferably in private and as soon as possible to avoid further humiliation.