One of my (27F) closest friends, Tara (28 F), is dating a guy, let’s call him Nate (31 M), who I thought I liked. They’ve been dating 3 years and recently moved in together so it’s serious. He’s always been A LOT but it was mostly fun in the past. For example, he’s loud, gets very drunk, talks to every stranger, like the craziest fratty extrovert you know. Recently they came to stay with us (we live several hours apart) and by day 3, I was about to BLOW. All the behavior had become incessant and annoying. Him talking to girls who clearly looked uncomfortable. Stupid pranks and temper tantrums constantly. I felt like I was dealing with a 7 year old in a 30 year olds body. It got to the point where I said I was too tired to go out and let them go out alone because I was seething.
Before this trip, we’d (my husband and I) been talking about doing a getaway down to Mexico with them. Nothing is booked but we had a plan and now I feel like I’d be tearing my hair out if we did a 5 day trip.
I love my friend, so I’m not sure how to tell her. Making an excuse seems shitty since we are usually honest with each other. However, if this is her forever person, I don’t want to say anything that would drive a wedge between us. Or do I need to say something? Any advice is much appreciated.
How do I tell my friend I can’t vacation with her boyfriend
r/Advice
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You gotta consider what you value here, your sanity or your promise. You’d prolly be cruisin’ for a bruisin’ spending 5 days in Mexico with this guy. Honesty is a must, but delivery matters. Maybe find a chill way to let your friend know, somethin’ like, “Hey, your BF has a big personality, our quiet selves found it a bit taxing. Maybe we should do separate vacations?” Ya know smthn like that. Keep it light, no blame game. Keep your friendship, save your vacation. They choose us, we don’t choose them. Keep positive vibes only.
Just say you and your husband want this trip to be just you two. If she asks, call it different travel styles. Keeps it honest without drama.
I would just make an excuse for this specific trip. Since nothing is booked, it’s easy to say something came up with work or you need to save the money. It kicks the can down the road, but it avoids a huge fight over a guy she’s serious about. You can suggest a shorter girls trip with just her later to make up for it.
Be honest but gentle focus on your needs, not him. Say something like you need a low-key trip and will sit this one out, and let them enjoy it
Tara, I love you to death but Nate is a dick. Sorry can’t.
I’d do my friend a solid and let them know they are too much and maybe they’d wake up instead of feeling like it was just them.
You can be honest without it being about him. Something like I realized a long trip with the group might be too much for me right now, so I’ll pass on Mexico. I hope you both have an awesome time
Honest but kind. He just too much for you in a concentrated block of time?
You talked a lot about how his behaviour affected you but you never mentioned how it affect’s her. Does she love it and encourage it or does she ask him to stop or calm down? if she encourages it, then this is who she is and shes not going to change. If she asks him to calm down or looks embarassed, then you should definetly be honest. Be honest now or be honest in a blow up screaming match in 14 months when you ask her to come alone to an event, and she brings him anyway because ‘whats the harm’ and he ruins the event with his pranks and bull-fuckery. … Rip the bandaid off now.
From what I know, it’s super easy to bribe the Mexican police to arrest someone you are traveling with.
“I love the dynamic when the two of us are alone but following your visit I think I would struggle with travelling with you and BF together.”
Or, tell them finances are a bit tighter than you first thought and you’ll have to skip this trip. Then you don’t have to worry about it until a future trip is on the cards, if it ever is.
Vacations are for relaxing. Leave bro at home
And
Blame your hubby 🤭
Her forever person.. really? Why is she blind to his drunken boorishness? If you care about her be honest and carefully tell her his behavior is too much for you. She might benefit from a wake up call before it is too late. Telling lies to avoid conflict is still telling lies.
Your friendship is over. You spelled it out. What else are you looking for? Help to tell her in such a way that protects feelings? Just say “cant make it, we are busy ” etc..
Nate is not low key, and I want a low-key experience. So if he starts to get boisterous, we are going to want to do our own things away from you as a couple. It sets a clear understanding with consequences.
One of my best friends had a girlfriend who was just plain ol’ nuts. I was honest with him. I told him, “Brother, if you’re happy, I’m happy for you, but that girl has some problems. I’ll support you, and I’ll even stand in your wedding if it comes to that, but in order to be a true friend, I have to be honest. You’re going to have problems.” He laughed, accepted it, and continued on dating her. We stayed friends like nothing had ever happened. A few months later, they break up. I did not do any “I told you so” stuff. I just kept being his friend. A couple months after they had broken up, we are having a beer and out of the blue, he goes, “You know, I never thanked you for being honest about Sarah. You telling me that got me to realizing how much I was overlooking.” Turns out, my honesty and subsequent friendship was what he needed in order to make his own mind up about the situation.
Maybe your friend needs to hear that you see it, you still love her, and she’s got your support. It may not be ripping off a bandaid. It may just be showing that you care.
Just tell her the truth! I would be furious to find out my best friend lied to me. The friendship would die after the lie! I’ll take the hurt of the truth any day over the hurt and betrayal of lies!!
Just say you have different energy and vibe from her boyfriend, and you don’t think it would be a good idea to go on a combined vacation trip with him.
Straight up honesty .
My sister whom I love , married young and from day one I knew I couldn’t stand this man . I was 15 when they started dating , she was close to 17 and he was 18. At age 15 I already knew I disliked him .
FF they married , had 3 kids . I still always disliked him . Well many years later my sister and her husband came to visit me and my husband ( my husband ended up being the godfather to my sisters first born ) as I had moved about 300 miles away . They stayed with us for about a week . I was going out of my mind .
After that visit , I told my sister “ I love you , can’t stand your husband and in the future you are always welcomed to our home but your husband is not “ . I also told her that because he is your husband I understand and take no offense if you choose not to come visit in the future because your husband isn’t invited .
I must say my sister took it very well .
Grant you know one in the family liked her husband but I ( the rebel that I am ) finally said it to her out right .
She understood, respected my choice and we continued visits were he was not allowed at my home . I would still go to family gatherings that he would be at and mostly cordial but he was never allowed in my home .
FF after about 20 years of marriage my sister got wise and divorced the guy .
FF after years of divorce and both being involved in separate relationships post divorce and break ups , they as of last year now once again live together but as room mates only now , definitely nothing between them and you know what his ass still isn’t allowed at my home .
Obviously you’re not true friends otherwise you would have been both honest and concerned about the person she has picked and spoken up about it.
Say you want it to be a trip just for you and your Husband.
Just tell her you realized group trips are not for you and you want to keep vacations smaller. You dont have to make it about him at all. Frame it as knowing yourself and what kind of trips you enjoy.
Haha
As an extrovert to the extreme myself I would find a dude like that hysterical.
Not sure what you mean by the temper tantrums tho.
Anyway..it’s your vacation. Your hard earned money. Your precious time. If you can’t enjoy it with this dude around then don’t go. You deserve that time and money to be spent on something you enjoy
Same situation. I could not stand her boyfriend. Over time I just spent less and less time with her. This really came to a fork in the road when I had a birthday party at my house and I couldn’t stand the thought of him there. He would ruin the whole vibe. I told her I only had room for her….she said she felt bad leaving him at home and I said well you will be missed.
Id just say we can’t swing it right now. We are saving up for xyz. Its not a good time for us to take a big trip….
Just make an excuse. You’ll find as life progresses and people have kids the list when ypu actually be full on 100% honest will shrink especially for minor things like a vacation with a friend. If you tell her the truth and she marries him expect the friendship to drift apart.
Make an excuse