I (21m) have a friend (24m) who is unable to drive himself. He is more than capable of driving himself, he just doesn’t want to get his license. He said that driving makes him feel uncomfortable, so he doesn’t drive. He is autistic and doesn’t pick up on a lot of the social cues that I insinuate. We both go to the same weekly events that are spread out around the city that I live in. The events are normally around ~10 minutes from my apartment, since I live inside of the city. He lives in a suburb that is around 25 minutes from my apartment and 30ish minutes from the event. To drive down to his house to pick him up, drive back to the event, take him home after, and then finally drive home myself is over an hours worth of driving for me. I reallyyyyyyyy don’t want to do that. Once or twice as a favor for my friend is fine, but he’s begun to rely on me to be his weekly chauffer these past couple months.
I can weasel out of it here and there by saying stuff like “I’m just gonna get an Uber, I plan on drinking tonight” and various other excuses, but he is very autistic so it’s hard for him to pick up on the fact that I don’t want to drive him in the first place. I feel like the only way he’ll realize this is if I tell it to him, to his face, which I don’t want to do. We’re not the closest of friends, I met him at these events a few years ago. I’ve been seeing him almost every weekend now for the past couple years, so creating animosity/drama between us is the last thing I want to do. I can’t lie to him and say that I don’t feel like going out tonight, and then go anyways, because if I do go out I’ll just see him at wherever I plan on going to.
He offers to pay me gas money, which I appreciate, but my problem isn’t the gas or the wear and tear on my car, it’s mostly just the driving and having someone rely on me in general. I’m a little autistic myself and I’m a very independent person. I go out by myself and meet people at the events that I go to. I like to enjoy my time on my own terms, so if I get bored or tired or if I want to do something else, I can just go do it and not have to worry about my responsibility to chaperone other people. He could pay me $100 to drive him and I’d still be annoyed and not want to do it. Additionally since I stay out late when I go out, having to take him home oftentimes means I don’t get home myself until like 4 am.
I would feel like such a dick sending a text saying that I don’t want to drive him anymore, make him spend $35 on an Uber (money he can’t really afford to spend), and then see him an hour later face to face at the event anyways. He’s too autistic to pick up on any of the subtle hints and excuses that I’ve been giving him, wtf am I supposed to do?
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Yeah you’re fucked thats too bad
It doesn’t matter that you drove him in the past. It doesn’t matter that he offers you gas money. You don’t wanna drive him anymore. That’s perfectly reasonable.
Your friend is autistic, he’s not incapable of learning boundaries. You just need to be honest with him.
Here’s what I would suggest.
Do this with enough time before the event that he can find his own ride. Either call him or text him and say, “hey friend, going forward I am unable to give you rides to or from events. You’re going to need to figure out how to get to XYZ event going forward.”
He might ask why, and you should be honest. “I care about you as a friend and try to help you out, but I am no longer able to do it going forward and I would like you to respect that.
Surely dude can learn to drive, he just doesn’t want to drive it sounds like.
If you don’t want to drive him, you don’t have to drive him, but you should be clear with him especially if he doesn’t take hints. I think it’s good for people to car-pool for various reasons and he is being fair about it by offering you money, but if you don’t want to, you don’t want to. You probably feel like a jerk because you really don’t have a good reason outside of not wanting to, but if that’s your boundary you need to be clear about it. Maybe he doesn’t realize you don’t want to, he might have no issues making other plans and you are putting more responsibility on yourself than he might be. Don’t know until you guys talk about it!
No is a complete sentence.
Jesus. Just be an adult and tell him directly you don’t want to give him rides anymore. It’s ridiculous that you don’t want to do this but you also don’t want to be honest and you just want him to read your mind or whatever so you don’t have to say how you feel.
Just tell him you aren’t going to be available to give him rides anymore. If he gets upset, thats for him to deal with. You aren’t responsible for managing his feelings and spending your life expecting others to pick up on “hints” and social cues whether they’re autistic or not just so you don’t have to voice anything directly is childish and passive aggressive.
As an autistic person please can I ask that you stop beating around the bush! He’s not going to read between the lines.
You tell him, hey friend, it’s a lot of time and energy for me to drive you back and forth to events. I’ve been doing it a lot recently and I want to cut back on this. I am willing to pick you up and drop you off (once a month, twice a month, whatever you think) but I don’t want to be your driver all the time. I enjoy hanging out with you but I also like to do my own thing as well. Hopefully you can use public transport more or ask other people to help you get around.
That’s it. That’s all you need. Direct and to the point. No guesswork required.
I get that being autistic can make driving uncomfortable for him, but does he know everyone is uncomfortable when they’re first learning to drive? You’ve seemingly randomly been given control over a 2 tonne machine that can go 100mph, and you share a road with hundreds of other 2 tonne death machines. You just kind of learn and get used to it until driving doesn’t even take up any thought process anymore and you’re on autopilot, same with learning any new skill.
You have to learn how to use your words.
Tell him.
You’re not making him spend $35.00 on an Uber… that’s his choice.
If he’s able to drive and chooses not to that’s on him.
So here is the problem: you are assuming that he will take rejection the same way you would take rejection.
Here’s the likely conversation.
You: hey friend, I’m sorry if it disappoints you, but I don’t like to drive for a long time and it’s really inconvenient for me to drive you around. I don’t want to do it anymore.
Him: oh, okay.
He is autistic and not thinking about all of the things you or I might automatically think about. That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t. He may have to think about things for a while, he may have follow up questions to establish the parameters of your friendship. That’s fine. Just roll with it honestly. Tell him you hope to see him there but you can’t drive him, or maybe if there are special occasions where you are willing, then tell him that. But you don’t have to. You aren’t doing autistic people any favors by tiptoing around. Be blunt. They generally appreciate it and respond very well.