I have a friend named Liam. I have a larger friend group too that Liam is a part of. He is not as close as them as I am. But he is in our group. We are a group of 20s/30s for context, co-ed group. Liam is a quiet guy, and awkward. For context he he has never engaged with a woman romantically or kissed or anything. He is 32 and older than most of us. I also think his playful teasing for some comes off as insulting to people. He also has had times where his insulting has gone to far but he sometimes does not pick up on the social cues. I have tried to encourage him to give out more compliments instead but he does not really know how to do that. His insults towards people in our friend group have been voiced to me as unsatisfactory. Because of this and other things the girls in our group do not view him as particularly that safe and makes the mood of our group hangouts different. They don’t hate him just view him differently. For example, the girls want to go to take a Vancouver trip next year but would prefer if Liam did not come. But if he did come they would prefer if girls and guys got separate airbnbs or hotel rooms. If I was Liam, this would be information I would like to know, information about how I am perceived that is. And as his closer friend than the others I feel like I need to tell him but I do not know how. He is a chronic overthinker and I do not want him to take this so extremely that it affects every move that he makes when he is with all of us. How should I go about this? Please keep in mind I hope I did not paint him in a bad light, he is a nice guy that is harmless, I just think his emotional intelligence can be a lot better, but it also stems from his household growing up was not very loving. Any other thoughts or advice?
How do I tell my friend that our girl friends are starting to have a negative opinion towards him?
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Address his behavior as he does it and promptly. Bringing up that women in general have a problem with him likely won’t work out well. If you want to talk to him about a couple instances that hurt his reputation, talk specifics and how they affected people, not about the wider pattern.
If he really is as nice and harmless as you think, he’ll probably listen and think about what you say. However, I think it’s more likely that he grew up with and still holds misogynistic views. That’s what’s coming out in these “jokes” and why women aren’t comfortable around him.
Okay so, you are in a tough spot wanting to be honest but also protect your friend’s feelings. I think the best approach is to have a calm, private conversation with Liam. Be gentle but clear: tell him that some of his teasing comes off as hurtful, even unintentional, and that it affects how some people in the group feel around him. Emphasize that you want him to have better connections with everyone and that this is about helping him, not shutting him out.
You could also suggest small changes, like trying to give compliments or focusing on positive interactions, which you already started. Remind him that emotional intelligence is a skill anyone can learn, and it is okay to ask for help or resources on it.
Most importantly though, do not sugarcoat so much that he misses the message. It is kind to be honest because it gives him a chance to grow and be part of the group in a better way, instead of just being left to the sidelines. You are doing a good job by caring enough to speak up. Just be firm, kind and supportive all at once lol.
Honestly gotta just be honest. Might sound harsh to him or might sound harsh for you but if you try and prolong or find other routes and he doesn’t understand, it’ll more than likely make it worse.
Maybe if you have an example just say hey when you said this joke or whatever, x didn’t take it well or didn’t understand or took offence. Maybe try ease off the insulting jokey sarcasm and try and be a bit more relaxed and natural.
The reality is no guy wants to find out he makes girls uncomfortable especially if they’re your friends. You don’t even want to find out that you may make your guy friends uncomfortable. But if you aren’t honest he may make them feel even more uncomfortable if not worse (one of the girls might become scared) which in the long run just won’t help him. And I would personally want a friend to tell me (in private even better) that I’m making someone uncomfortable (may sound harsh at first) as I would want to rectify that problem. Won’t come quickly but as long as he’s trying. And hopefully the rest of the group appreciates him trying.
You don’t have to mention that they don’t want him on the trip as there’s still time for him to prove himself and give them a better impression. But mention how he acts and what he says. Don’t have to say you’re talking to him because they asked you to. But mention how some jokes etc are making some of the girls uncomfortable and yes he’s 32 but help him every now and then. That doesn’t mean watch him and baby him like a nursery kid but check in on him. Try have some one on one conversations with him every now and then and if he does an insult to you or something that can be uncomfortable, point it out and tell him.