The title pretty much summarizes everything up. Also, using a throw away account.
I (29M) and my girlfriend (31F) have been dating for approximately two years. Because of the world being so expensive, both of us still live with our parents and usually see each other on the weekends. I am planning to purchase a house in the near future, but it will be in only my name because I, fortunately, have enough savings to make it work. To me, the next logical step in the relationship is for her to move in once the house is purchased. We both understand, if it doesn’t pan out between us she would obviously have to find her own place to live.
She has previously stayed with me for consecutive days at my parents’ house while they are away. I find this to be an excellent trial run of what to expect as far as how each of us live day-to-day. This past experience has me very concerned. She doesn’t do a whole lot to help. I do the dishes, make the food, and put things back where they belong (i.e., condiments, chip bags, throwing away garbage). She will help when I ask, but I’ve noticed she will try to get away before I can ask for help and likely knows I’m less likely to ask once she sits down. For example, I washed both of our cars and before I could ask her to help putting the hose and other items away, she went back inside. As a side note, I didn’t get a “thank you” for doing her car, which got under my skin too.
My concern is she doesn’t care too much because this is not her house, and this will translate over when I eventually purchase my house. She sometimes offers to help with things, but it’s become less frequent. Although I like things clean and a certain way (not to a crazy extent), I don’t want to constantly follow her around to clean up messes. I’m not very confrontational and don’t have the best communication skills, so this has been weighing on me. Can’t ask family or friends, because it’ll be met with the “just breakup”, which I don’t want to do. That being said, I reluctantly turn to the internet for help.
Any and all advice is appreciated. Thanks in advance for the help!
Comments
I’m concerned for both of you because communication is key! You have to discuss this with her instead of being resentful about it daily. Your resentment will kill this.
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Honestly dude, communication is key. Ya gotta tell her, straight up but tactful. Say “Hey, I noticed you often duck out when there’s cleaning to be done. I need a partner, not a guest. If we move in together, we’re both responsible for our place.” Be chill about it, but be honest. Relationships gotta have balance. You’re not wrong to speak up, bro. Don’t shy away from hard convos, they’re the real relationship builders. Stand firm, you got this.
People have different set points for how much mess they tolerate and how much they care about extra cleaning such as vacuuming or washing their car.
If your GF shops, cooks, washes dishes and cleans her own bedroom and bathroom at her parents’ house then that’s a good sign. If she lets her parents do everything for her then likely she will not change upon moving in with you. She hasn’t taken ownership for managing her surroundings. She’d have to recognize this is a deficiency and grossly unfair, first, and then care enough (about you, about the relationship) to make the daily effort of pulling her own weight.
If she’s inherently selfish or lazy or thoughtless or entitled, that isn’t going to change without introspection, personal growth, and self-discipline.
You need to talk about this.
>My concern is she doesn’t care too much because this is not her house
That’s worst than you think…
Usually “messy people” will make more efforts outside of their house than in their own houses.
I have a few friends who all share a house which is in a TERRIBLE state. Every time they stay over at my partner and I flat, they do clean after themselves.
So the behaviour you see here will be even worse when she moves in with you…
You say you still live w your parents. My husband and I used to do this too. I often didn’t feel comfortable touching things or going around on my own. I’d wait for him to ask or direct me. First, it isn’t my house. Second, although we were dating other ppl live in that house and I don’t want to accidentally move something that would cause an inconvenience/make trouble.
My husband did talk to me and encouraged me to feel more comfortable and no one is going to be upset. I didn’t start fully cleaning his house or room until we got married. Of course, I’d clean up after myself just as I would going to a friends house but im not going to step up and do someone’s laundry/dishes/bathroom on my own. I’d help him do his cleaning and stuff if he asked.
Discussing chores/bills etc etc is important before moving in. It’s completely valid you would want her to step up in your own space and you should bring it up. This conversation shouldn’t be taken as “oh you haven’t done it so far so I need you to start asap” more as “hey since we’ll be in our own space, it’s a new chapter of life, which also comes w a new routine” and you guys can split in the best ways for you.
The only thing constant about life is change and while routine is nice, adaptability is key to survival! (And healthy loving relationships)
Edit: just wanted to add! Congratulations! This is an exciting new part of life for you. It’s always best to think the not so exciting parts first through, which you are, before bc it helps mitigate risk and if something does happen, you’ll subconsciously bounce back! I hope things go great! Good luck 🙂
No 2 people ever have the exact same desire for cleanliness, one person will always have a greater need. She definitely needs to do more, or contribute something else of equal value to the relationship.
My gf is much tidier than me, but I do all the cooking and pay for the vast majority of our nights out. We are both happy with that arrangement.
You need to find a similar arrangement
Her moving into your house without trial run sounds really risky. What if things doesn’t go well but she refuse to move out?
Living with parents are not indication of lack of life skills, but it could be, if her parents allows her to be. Have you been to her house? Does she actively do the chores? Is her room clean? It could be a good indicator to she what she is like.
Can’t you rent for a while and see how it goes? At least rented place have end of the lease you both need to move out.
You guys are not compatible. You can’t make people do things they don’t want to do.
When my partner and I moved in together we were already engaged. We worked on our living styles to make them more compatible. We had talked about almost everything else. Planning to be in it for the long term made this necessary. There are still little things, nothings perfect, but we love and respect one another. It sounds like the two of you have a lot to talk about before you cohabitate. Laziness and lack of concern for your partners well being coming from either side is not a good sign.
Its possible that she isn’t helping when at your parents place because in that dynamic she is a guest. She doesn’t live there, she’s visiting. When I was dating my boyfriend, I rarely helped out when I was visiting and similarly when he visited my place he wasn’t expected to help. We’re married now and I do like 90% of the cooking and clean in the house and he does 90% of the outdoor chores (fixing the cars, mowing the grass, taking out the trash etc.) I’m just saying that the trial isn’t necessarily a reflection of what is to come after you actually live together.
That said, you should definitely have a conversation that asks what does living together look like? Before my husband and I moved in together, we filled out a paper separately that had questions like “who is going to make dinner?”, “who is going to take out the trash?”. After filling out this sheet separately we compared answers and when there were discrepancies we had a conversation about expectations and found solutions.
First of all, she’s currently living with her parents, as are you. She is currently also not doing anything so strenuous as to say “thank you” when you do something for her. She sounds like a lousy roommate.
However, as a person who would not be on the deed to the house, I would probably not move in with you. This is from personal experience, that I would be expected to pay for groceries and things that have no lasting value, while you spend your income on paying for real estate when you probably couldn’t swing both the mortgage, utilities, food, and other expenses on your own. This is where the women get screwed if there’s a breakup. If the shoe were on the other foot, it would be the same situation. There needs to be a prenup that spells out exactly who pays for what, and who owns what if the relationship ends. Then, if both parties are amenable, then go for it. But go into the prenup with a business mind, not with stars in your eyes, or letting your little man think for you. Get a third party opinion if you don’t trust yourself.
Should she really help with the new house if she has no stake in it?
Let me ask you this….. when you are at her parent’s home with her do her parents coddle her and do all of the things? Is she escaping basic chores like a kindergartner? Just remember, what you see is what you get. Whatever she does (or doesn’t do) now will be amplified when cohabitating.
I would recommend that you both read the love languages book together.
Your love language is likely “acts of service”
You are happy to show your love to your gf by making her dinner and washing her car, but you want her to recognize that and appreciate that and reciprocate by doing nice acting service for you.
But people often give their own love language instead of giving the one that their partner wants.
If her love language is “quality time” or “physical touch” she may be thinking:
”we only have a few hours together on the weekend, I was hoping he would plan something romantic, but instead he spent the weekend washing our cars and taking out the trash”
Does that make sense? She might have rather cuddled on the couch with you on your limited weekend time together, even if it meant she had to drive through the car wash another day on her own, so your “gift” of an act of service not only wasn’t appreciated as much as you would have liked, it might have actually annoyed her a little because it felt like you were prioritizing other things over her.
Good news, once you are aware of this dynamic, it’s easy to change. You might mention some small acts of service that you appreciate
“I feel so loved and taken care of when you bring me coffee in the morning.”
Once you know what makes each other feel loved, she might say “hey, I’ll wash the dishes, but first will you come in here and rub my back?”
A back rub might be an act of service that you happily give, and it may also fill her need for quality time and physical touch.
And sometimes there is stuff that needs to be done, so if you say “I’ll wash if you dry, and then we can cuddle on the couch sooner”
But definitely don’t just be a martyr doing acts of service forever, if it’s your love language and not hers, or you will end up being bitter and resentful.
You: “After everything I have done for us! I wash your car every day! I bought us this house!”
Her: “I never asked you to do those things! I was happy in the apartment if it meant we could spend more time together and you weren’t always mowing the lawn and doing house projects!”
You: “but I was doing that for you!”
How is she in her own space? Does she have a clean bedroom at her parents place? Does she clean up after herself in the shared/common areas there?
The answers to those questions will be more likely to determine how she’d live on her own.
She’s at your parent’s house, with you, it’s not completely shocking that she would expect you to clean up knowing where everything goes and how you/your parents like things. Especially if you’ve never asked her to help out.
It sounds like to me she’s an invited guest, she also sounds like a smart woman. She’s not acting like a wife and doing wifely things when she’s just a girlfriend. You’re supposed to be recording her dating her getting and wooing her sounds like you’re taking too long. She’s doing exactly what she should be doing. Acting like a guest in your house.