My husband and I just welcomed our little girl 4 months ago. Since then, his mom has already made comments to me twice that have made me cry.
Some background, this woman is not stable. She’s suffered a lot of trauma and hardship in her life, but that doesn’t excuse her behavior. She was nearly an our late to our wedding, offended every one of my family members, threatened to kill herself the day after we got married, and proceeded to berate my husband via text while we were on our honeymoon. The only saving grace is that we thankfully live over 1000 miles away from her so visits are infrequent.
Recently our daughter started daycare. My MIL decided to text me essentially say our daughter would be miserable and asking if I was sure I wanted to put her through that pain. Asked my husband to deal with it, he did. This past week she’s been pestering my husband nonstop and now texting me trying to get sympathy saying that he never calls her and hasn’t spoken to her in months (all of which is a lie, I live with the man and have heard them talk). When she messaged me I gently explained he’s been busy with work, very stressed, and spending what free time he has with our daughter. She proceeded to go off on me and compare me to the woman who murdered my husband’s brother! Needless to say, my husband lost it on her, but he does still plan to have her meet our daughter next time we visit our hometown.
This woman has been nothing but a source of stress and constantly tries to manipulate every situation and I don’t want her around my daughter, ever. How do I set that boundary with my husband? I know she’s his mom, but I feel like she’ll just be a source of pain and stress for my daughter as well.
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Why would he want her around your daughter?
I hereby give you permission to say “what the fuck is wrong with you” when she compares you to a murderer.
Don’t listen to MIL, children who attend daycare do just as well as children who stay home with mom. There are no differences with development or bonding; they don’t even remember it long term, so if this is what works best for you, then it’s the right thing to do. As for your husband, this may be more than a one-conversation decision. Hopefully you’ll have a while before a visit home so you can get on the same page about his mother’s involvement.
First of all, stop answering her calls/texts/attempts to turn you into her flying monkey. You are doing the opposite of helping your husband reinforce his boundaries (you are unintentionally rewarding her behaviour by responding, thus contributing to your own misery).
If you want him to respect your own boundary (no contact between kiddo and MIL), start by working together to enforce his boundaries about when he chooses to engage with her. Then take note of the changes and benefits and start applying those benefits to limiting co tact with her and your child
Ask him to do some personal reflecting on if he’d really be okay with the idea of his mother saying any of those types of things to y’all’s daughter- because that’s exactly what she’s gonna do. It’s inevitable. She has no self control at the end of the day and cannot be trusted to behave herself appropriately around/in front of your daughter. Remind him it’s not about punishing his mother for her behavior, but about protecting your daughter from her behavior.
It’s a difficult but very necessary move to make.
She compared you to…. Someone who killed your husband’s brother….?
That’s not crossing a line. That’s “ok cool I’m never interacting with you and you’re not stable enough to be around my child” material. Absolutely not.
No. Not after what she said about you. Absolutely. Not.
Grandma doesn’t get to be a bitch and be rewarded with seeing your daughter. We don’t reward bad behavior in children, and we shouldn’t reward it in adults.
> When she messaged me I gently explained
Why?
Seriously, why? Why are you talking to her? Why are you answering her texts? She’s abusive to you over text, so why do you keep doing it?
She sounds unsafe. Are you concerned for your daughter’s safety? If so, this should be a main point with your husband.
You’re worried about your MIL’s influence on your daughter, and rightly so. Have an open conversation with your husband about your concerns. Share specific examples of her behavior that have made you uncomfortable. Explain how you want to protect your daughter from potential stress and harm. It’s essential to be honest about your feelings and work together to find a solution that prioritizes your daughter’s well-being.
Block her on all ways of communicating. Your husband is the only one who c an deal with her. His family, his problems. She has earned NO CONTACT from you for shooting off mouth with ignorant and hurtful comments