I (34M) and my fiancée (35F) have been together for 8 years. Throughout our entire relationship, my mom has lived with us. Some background: we’re originally from another country, and I went through the immigration process to bring my mom to the U.S. for a better life.
When she arrived, she was in her early 50s—healthy and able to work. She had several opportunities for good-paying full-time jobs but refused them because she didn’t like the type of work. She didn’t help much around the house either until about 4 years in, when my fiancée had enough and brought it up directly.
She tends to sneak around, eavesdropping to see if we’re talking about her, and she keeps her distance emotionally. She doesn’t contribute meaningfully to the bills and has shown no real interest in becoming independent or moving out.
I can tell my fiancée is becoming more and more irritated, and honestly, I am too. I need space from my mom to focus on my relationship and our kids. But talking to her isn’t easy—she’s very defensive, often dismissive, and not open to direct conversations.
I’ve supported my mom since I was 17—sending money weekly, helping with repairs, doing her immigration paperwork, and housing her for the past 8 years. I love her, but I’m beginning to feel used and unappreciated. It hurts that I even have to ask her to leave. I wish she had made that decision on her own, considering I now have a family to take care of.
I know asking her to move out will be difficult, but I strongly believe that once she’s in her own space, our relationship might actually improve.
TL;DR: My mom has been living with us for 8 years, doesn’t contribute much, and doesn’t seem interested in leaving. It’s affecting my relationship. How do I tell her it’s time to move out without damaging our bond further?
Comments
Does she have finances to survive on if she leaves? She’s already pretty old, and it looks like you’re abandoning her like this. In my culture it’s normal for parents to live with their kids and take care of them, but I guess culturally it’s different from where you’re at.
Does she have any friends or family around here? Any hobbies or anything that brings her joy? Right now it just sounds like she’s got nothing going on, and you’re ready to kick her out.
Can she afford to live on her own or would you be supporting her?
Start the conversation imo sooner than later imo even if you’re not asking her to move out right this second, will probably take her some time to get used to the idea so best to let her know it’s something that will happen so she can start thinking about it.
What was the plan when you went through the process to bring her over? Did you tell her she had to get a job and become independent from the beginning or is this some kind of bait and switch?
Unfortunately, that generation has been socially conditioned to depend on their children, especially in immigrant situations like this. She’s dependent on you for many of her vital functions. Tbh, getting her out will be a long process. And keeping her out and independent on her own will be an even bigger challenge. If her moving out doesn’t prove to be a viable option, maybe move to a place where she’s got her own separate building? Like a guest house or something? That way she’s near, but far enough?
Im so sorry I dont have an easy solution. I am sure this will be a difficult process but I think you have to. She has really been taking advantage of you and your family and you can’t continue to let that happen. You could try at first to make it her idea. Like “mom wouldnt it be nice to have your own place”. But if she is difficult and being stubborn then you will just have to give her an end date. You can decide when. But something like “Mom this really cant go on forever. I have my own family now and you need to build your own independence. You have 6 months to move out” Then you have to stick to it. If she is a difficult person she will try to manipulate you and say she needs longer. Then she will just keep saying she needs longer and longer. So just be aware of that. If it comes to the end date and she still won’t leave then you might have to evict her legally. You will have to be really strong with your boundaries. She might try to make you feel horrible and guilty. Dont let her! You deserve your own life for you, your fiance and kids. It has been years now and she hasnt changed or contributed. You have to hold her accountable for her actions or else you are just enabling this behavior. Allowing her to take advantage of your fiance. Again Im so sorry you have to deal with this. Your mother should want the best for you, not to use you.
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No offence but you shouldn’t have moved her to US if you are not going to take care of her. You said you have supported her all your life so what is wrong with continuing that given she is much older now and living alone on her own will be very difficult for her.
My advice, don’t do it.
Do you own your place? Possibly move to an apartment complex and have her get her own apartment but that way she is close, Orr even a duplex situation, one of you has the top home and another has the bottom? If she doesn’t work then start signing her up for social security and getting her used to taking care of that on her own
Where is she going to go when you kick her out? If you have all that figured out just literally just start moving her shit into the new place. There is no easy way, this WILL damage your bond. It’s like trying to break up without damaging the bond or hurting the other’s feeling. This innate relationship change is damaging. It’s ok, she’ll get over it and should know by now, that you still love her, but you need your own space.
If it’s viable, could you also build an “ADU” or Coach house instead? or turn a basement into one?
Are you in a position to move? Just telling her to move out is not going to go well. She’s going to drag it out until you’re either forced to accept that she’s living with you forever, or go the ugly, legal, eviction route, which she’ll use to paint you as the worst person in the world.
Instead, tell her that you’re all moving out. You and your fiancée will be starting your lives together in a new home, so she will need to find a new place to live since your lease is ending/you’re selling your house. No, she cannot just come with you to your new place since you need privacy as soon-to-be newlyweds. That puts a hard timeline on it. Tell her you’ve enjoyed living with her the past 8 years (even if it’s a lie), but now it’s time for everyone to have their own space. Then you can help her get a job and a new place as much as you want, but there is no option to keep living there when the timeline ends. She’ll have to figure her shit out or be evicted by someone who is not you.
Did y’all really move your mom from her home county to live with you with no plan? What was the plan? Was her moving out ever discussed? 8 years isn’t temporary. She lives with y’all, not just a guest. And she’s dependent on you. It almost sounds like a bait and switch where you never actually informed her that you’d want her to move out at almost 60.
And the fact that you’re doing this in the US, As an American, I think it’s cruel AF to bring your immigrant mother here in her 50s to live with you and then try to kick her out just before 60. WTF, are you thinking?