I’m 20F and I’ve been dating a new guy (21M) for about a month now. He’s the sweetest and most loving person, and I really like where things are going.
When I was 17, I was in a toxic relationship with a girl who manipulated me a lot. At the time, I was confused about my sexuality and couldn’t really tell the difference between friendship love and romantic love. Looking back, I realize I was vulnerable and fell into that relationship because of it.
Now I’m unsure if I should bring this up to my current boyfriend at all. Part of me worries that if I never mention it, it could backfire later. But if I do bring it up, I’m scared he might take it the wrong way or even use it against me.
For those who have been in a similar situation did you tell your partner about your past same sex relationship? If so, how did you bring it up? And if you chose not to, did that ever cause issues later?
Sorry for rambling any advice would really help me figure out the best way to handle this.
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Why do you think he would take it the wrong way or use it against you? Do you think he would worry that you aren’t attracted to him or something? To me this seems like something that doesn’t necessarily have to be brought up out of the blue, but if say a conversation about exes arises, I don’t think its a good idea to lie or try to hide it. I don’t know your boyfriend, but I feel like it shouldn’t be a big deal if you explain it to him like you did on here.
You do not owe anyone explanations of your past. It is something you want to share if you want to and it feels good for you to.
He’s new to you, get to know him. I am sorry you had a bad relationship before. I hope you will find much better future connections and relationships.
So, question: Are you bi? Or did this girl try to emotionally manipulate you into being bi? Because if you are in fact bisexual, then it’s as easy as dropping the fact that you’re bi into casual conversation. Like, no fanfare, no coming out story, just “as a bi person… (blah blah blah)” and if he stops you like “whoa whoa whoa, hold up; you’re bi?” Just be like “haha yeah, you didn’t guess?” And just let that hang. If he’s a homophobe, he’ll drop you, but you probably wouldn’t want to deal with that BS anyway. If he’s chill, he’ll be like “haha you right.” And that’ll be the end of that. If you guys get around to talking about past relationships; which you should if you get serious, then you can mention your toxic ex-gf. No need for crazy specifics unless you think it’s very important. Again, if he gets insecure, that’s on him, not you. I’m pan (which is basically bi with a different flag lol), and when I love somebody, I make sure to let them know that I had options and I’m choosing them. So you could try that, but yeah, if he gets weird about it all the time, he ain’t the one. Period.
If you really think it will resurface down the road, tell him, but keep the focus and weight on the negative impact it caused, being manipulated. Make that the spotlight of why you’re telling him. This will help outweigh the same sex setting. Its like the news reporting the biggest story first.
Only you know what your BF is like. At first he sounded like a keeper until you said “I’m afraid he’ll use it against me” and WTH? If he’s the kind of guy you can’t be vulnerable with, why are you with him at all? Would you trust him enough to send naughty photos, because he can use them against you too.
I’m assuming you were expressing an irrational fear and BF is amazing and wonderful and would never hurt you like that.
I know me, and if you were my GF and you said something like “would it weird you out if I told you I had a brief fling with another girl in high school” I would get excited and say “tell me more, this is interesting!” and you’d say basically what you said in your post and I would say “okay, that’s not a problem for me, is it a problem for you?” Something like that. If you’re dating me you’re already saying you like guys, and the way you tell your story your same sex phase was a brief experiment that didn’t end well and you won’t likely go there again. So we’re cool, all is well. Also if you don’t want him saying anything to anyone say so, although he should be considerate enough to realize that’s for you to announce, not him, when and if ever.
And if you’re wondering why I’d be fascinated, it’s because it’s a side of you I’d never guessed existed, another facet in the sparkling diamond (you) that lights up my life. It helps me understand you a little better and the fact that you’re trusting me with your story makes me feel worthy of your trust. If you’re comfortable being vulnerable with me, I can be vulnerable with you and that’s a special bond that helps relationships last. (i know I’m using first person, just insert BF instead). So if you think he’s okay, hit him with it and stop worrying. Give him the opportunity to show you how wonderful he is.
And if he is a jerk, punt and start over. Find out now, before you fall deeper in love.